BBJ, it's so very hard when there is so much going on to just sit & "do" w/ the kids, but I think it makes a huge difference. Like I said, we've been having lots of issues w/ our 2 youngest and just changing our routine w/ no TV and reading and making sure we're doing something that is focused on them makes a huge difference in their attitudes. Have you ever read the "Llama Llama" books? They're wonderful! There are only 3 of them, the first being "Llama Llama Red Pajama" and the 3rd that just came out is really good to help them have fun at school.
Anyway, what you are going through w/ your kids is totally normal even though you also have the separation to deal with.
You're doing great w/ the cards you've been dealt. It's hard, but just hang in there.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm so sorry you had such a struggle today. I understand how overwhelming it is to be the only parent. I know you have to know this, but you are the BEST parent your kids could ever have. How do I know this? Because you worry about how your actions are affecting them. A parent who is just going through the motions barely thinks about that (trust me - I know. My xh has next to no interaction with our son except the 4 days a month he "plays" dad).
Keep your chin up sweetie and don't stop the running. You need that. Could you get the kids involved in your running somehow? Even in a very small way? Maybe it could spark an interest for them.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It is not an awesome weekend, it is a strange weekend. I was thrown off on Wed/Thurs because Dan left a message on the home phone both nights, mentioning the kids AND me by name and saying I love you all/miss you all. ?? He had my cell # obviously, so why do it on the machine...Even said on Friday he was excited only 30 hours until he was back home...
Anyway last night I had an epiphany of sorts. Not sure I like it. Anybody seen "The Great Pumpkin?" Where Linus waits and waits for his hero the Great Pumpkin to come out, and he never does? Well, for some reason last night it came to me that the Great Pumpkin was never going to show, so to speak.
I don't know for sure how it happened, except that I was up late folding laundry and doing other stuff after the kids were in bed and watching my recorded episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights. Something about watching couples in those shows, esp. Friday Night Lights, I love the husband/wife dynamic on that show. Anyway, I realized it is only this hard right now because Dan is choosing to make it that hard.
I guess the blinders came off and I thought about all the things he has done to hurt me, the strippers, the 1 night stand in 2000, the short-term A in 2002 and the year-long A just this past year. And here I am paying his bills while he is gone and telling him I love him no matter what, etc etc. WTF is wrong with me?
And I didn't mention it hear b/c I was embarrassed (not that I did anything wrong). But while Dan was back for 2 days last weekend he was doing all his laundry here so he could be ready to go back to Canada. While he was out at the farm for a couple hours I grabbed his t-shirts/socks out of the dryer to fold for him (dumb me). Anyway I checked the suitcase to see if there was underwear to wash or anything else since all that was in the wash was tshirts and socks.
Well there were 2 porn magazines laying right there in the unzipped, but unopen, suitcase. And there were 2 dvds in little paper wrappers that must have come with the magazines and one was torn open like he had watched it...Both kids were around all weekend and down in the basement, too, and could have seen the magazines. I was just so disappointed...shouldn't have been, that is his pattern and I know it.
Anyway I realized, bottom line, that
I have been waiting for something that is not going to happen and offering my heart to someone who walked away from me and doesn't want it anymore
It doesn't matter what they say, isn't that a common statement on this site? It is what they do, or don't do. So it doesn't matter that he says he loves me and wants to figure things out. I thought somehow that it meant something, but I was kidding myself. So I am taking myself out of the running for a contest I wasn't going to win anyway...
On the other hand, I am hopeful that some day in the distant future (when the kids are older) I will have a passionate love in my life again, one that i can count on...
That is a sad post BBJ. I am sorry you are so sad. And yes, Linus is really sad in the pumpkin patch year after year. I see the analogy very well. Sometimes the shoe does have to move to the other foot. You do still get to make the choices in your life. I wish you strength to face the fear of change in your future.
It is interesting that it took your H to say a few things that resembled a normal relationship to make you come to the "green" conclusion. To make you have an epiphany of sorts. What is so frustrating to me is to read other sitches and be so clear and yet in our own we struggle so much. I say this to all the people I have been following for a while, my only concern at a certain point is for the well being of the LBS. I can't help but think that we all perhaps stop DBing when we maybe should be really working harder. Especially the GAL part. Not neccesarilly to get our spouses back but for ourselves and to move on. Anyhow, I hope you have a nice Sunday BBJ.
BBJ - what you wrote is very eye-opening for me as well. Heck I'm standing in the pumpkin patch for someone who has done similar things as your H (affair wise that is) plus my W has no interest in saying she still loves me or hopes we can work things out.
I'm sorry you are in the patch but at least you look like you are finding your way out. Thanks for writing the post and providing a wake up call for those of us who are a bit lost :-(.
