Thanks for your posts. The reason I want to tell him about the school applications is that the father also has to sign the application. I can't put them in just under my name, otherwise I would have paid the application fee and put their names down already. And since our IC has been talking about a real convo in his office, I have been waiting for that to happen before dropping the bomb on H. It's definitely not a tactic. I am REALLY considering going home. We have a house near my parents that we are renting out so the kids and I can move into there. I really liked the school I visited. So I have made concrete steps in that direction. The only question is timing, really. When and how soon? Because, like I said before, the move will be for good. We probably won't be coming back. So in essence, I will be giving up my life here and probably H as well. So it's not JUST a move, it's a commitment to a new future without H.
You may all think that heck, if he wants to be with you, he will just move to be with you. But in reality, that is 99%-99.9% unlikely. My H now defines himself by his job. I KNOW he would rather lose his family than his career. So if I were a betting gal, I would be that he would stay with his job and let our family move away. His justification would be - hey, they chose to leave me, nothing I can do about it. But in reality, he would be choosing his career over us.
So if I want to keep this M, I will need to stay here and work at it. That is, if I believe there is a future down the road. If I don't, then I will up and move home. No use waiting around for nothing to happen and also watching my H wasting his life away on OW and abandoning his former values. Can't bear to watch H lie to the kids either.
I have had several appointments with DB coaches and I have another one on Tuesday. I will see what she says.
MLC, I have been doing a lot of 180s. I used to be judgmental about H's choices and used to comment on them. I don't do that anymore because DB coach says judgment kills intimacy. I used to wait for H to decide what we do on the weekends. I don't do that anymore and make plans for kids and me without H. Those are only two small examples but there are many more. I am not so dependent on H anymore. I am not suffocating him with my dependency or love. He is living his life and I am living mine. Only thing is he is living it with someone else. I would love for that to change but can't go anywhere with it if H's attention is with OW and not on me. He is putting in his efforts there. I have noticed that he is spending a bit more time with kids but his affections are no longer with me anymore. I think he still cares about what I think, I think he values my opinions but I try not to give opinions anymore and try to detach. DB coach says to give him a lot of encouragement for being a good dad. I have done that and continues to do so. So I am trying to follow everything she says. She warned me that MLC could take a long time, I am warned.
I am also very busy with my own life. I have filled it with work and friends and sport. I am extremely busy and popular now and truly happy with my social life. I have always been happy with my social life. That was never a problem.
He has done many things in the past few things for me to 'react' to. He thinks he can hide stuff from me but I can tell when he is lying to my face. I have kept calm and didn't react. Because that was his complaint about me, that I always wore my heart on my sleeve. So I don't react. I don't tell him I know he is lying. I let it go. That is a huge 180 for me. Because if he chooses to lie to me, he will do so. Me making a big fuss about it will just hurt our relationship even more. Whereas now, he can't complain about me, he has to face the reality of his lies and live with them. I am taking myself out of the picture, he has to live with himself. I will not give him more ammunition to use against me.
MLC, I see your point about H wanting to make the effort or he won't. But I really think that he is still unsure. He hasn't quite made up his mind to D. He is passive-aggressive and action for him takes a lot of effort. He is tired and he doesn't want to make the effort. He doesn't want to make the effort to work on M and he doesn't want to make the effort to end the M. Both of these options take tremendous effort.
So he has opt for the easiest option, to let me take the reins. But I refuse to end the M on principle.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
