It is not an awesome weekend, it is a strange weekend. I was thrown off on Wed/Thurs because Dan left a message on the home phone both nights, mentioning the kids AND me by name and saying I love you all/miss you all. ?? He had my cell # obviously, so why do it on the machine...Even said on Friday he was excited only 30 hours until he was back home...
Anyway last night I had an epiphany of sorts. Not sure I like it. Anybody seen "The Great Pumpkin?" Where Linus waits and waits for his hero the Great Pumpkin to come out, and he never does? Well, for some reason last night it came to me that the Great Pumpkin was never going to show, so to speak.
I don't know for sure how it happened, except that I was up late folding laundry and doing other stuff after the kids were in bed and watching my recorded episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights. Something about watching couples in those shows, esp. Friday Night Lights, I love the husband/wife dynamic on that show. Anyway, I realized it is only this hard right now because Dan is choosing to make it that hard.
I guess the blinders came off and I thought about all the things he has done to hurt me, the strippers, the 1 night stand in 2000, the short-term A in 2002 and the year-long A just this past year. And here I am paying his bills while he is gone and telling him I love him no matter what, etc etc. WTF is wrong with me?
And I didn't mention it hear b/c I was embarrassed (not that I did anything wrong). But while Dan was back for 2 days last weekend he was doing all his laundry here so he could be ready to go back to Canada. While he was out at the farm for a couple hours I grabbed his t-shirts/socks out of the dryer to fold for him (dumb me). Anyway I checked the suitcase to see if there was underwear to wash or anything else since all that was in the wash was tshirts and socks.
Well there were 2 porn magazines laying right there in the unzipped, but unopen, suitcase. And there were 2 dvds in little paper wrappers that must have come with the magazines and one was torn open like he had watched it...Both kids were around all weekend and down in the basement, too, and could have seen the magazines. I was just so disappointed...shouldn't have been, that is his pattern and I know it.
Anyway I realized, bottom line, that
I have been waiting for something that is not going to happen and offering my heart to someone who walked away from me and doesn't want it anymore
It doesn't matter what they say, isn't that a common statement on this site? It is what they do, or don't do. So it doesn't matter that he says he loves me and wants to figure things out. I thought somehow that it meant something, but I was kidding myself. So I am taking myself out of the running for a contest I wasn't going to win anyway...
On the other hand, I am hopeful that some day in the distant future (when the kids are older) I will have a passionate love in my life again, one that i can count on...
