True Love or True Fog? Part II - The Fertile Void

[Silver Fox]

Hi all,

Hope everyone is having a super weekend. It's very rainy here which gives me a perfect day to write out my statement for mediation on Monday. This is not required but the mediator's form asks for a brief overview. I decided to type out something more formal to give to H's L as well as the mediator.

I'd like some DB opinions on this. I tried to stay to the point -facts only, little emotion and no whining. But I need other eyes to tell me if any of it sounds pursuing, which I absolutely don't want. I've learned that much here!

In late March 2007 H informed me that he wanted to live by himself for awhile. Two days later he moved out. At the time, he was working on his tenure portfolio and he felt the time alone would be beneficial to finishing the work by the deadline. There was no indication that anything was terribly wrong with our relationship. I know we had a good marriage and he knows this as well. Throughout that spring and summer as I questioned him on what exactly was going on, he would speak of how his "feelings had changed" and it "takes more than love to sustain a marriage". In August 2007 he informed me of his relationship with someone else. A relationship, as I began to put two and two together, that really was the impetus to his moving out and his "changed feelings".

I want it made clear that this was never a mutual separation. There was never an attempt on H's part to discuss marital concerns or to offer some time together to get to the bottom of what was really wrong. He wanted out of the marriage and he wanted out quick in order to keep from losing the girlfriend. The separation and filing for divorce are H's choices, not mine. My counterclaim to his filing is the consequence of these choices.

At great issue here is our marital home - our only real asset. We bought the house and nearly 3 acres of land as a "fixer upper". It was also chosen as a convenient location to his teaching position at the time in (name of city). The condition of the house is deplorable. Please see the included photographs. H has made few attempts since last summer to continue the renovations needed to even begin the selling process. I will not be saddled with the responsibilities of hiring contractors, dealing with real estate agents, showing the house, etc. My job is a 35 minute one-way commute. I am gone from 7:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. or later, five days a week.

H's schedule is much more flexible, but due to his complete, extreme enmeshment in his girlfriend's life, he has chosen to abandon me with this run-down house and care of our two dogs. He travels 400 miles every weekend to see her and has done so since August 2007. This is also someone who can give him monetary help if he needs it - someone who makes nearly twice my salary.

We still have a joint bank account. I insisted on this to ensure that our many bills continued to be paid on time. H is quickly maxing out his three new credit cards, adding to our already enormous debt. I am aware that this is his own debt now - but he is making the payments out of our joint account - totaling nearly $400.00 a month.

In January, for my own emotional health, I decided to end all contact with H while he is still involved with this other woman. We have not actually seen or talked with each other since this past August. His callous disregard for my well being during this time is a point well taken. If he insists on ending our marriage there is nothing more I can do and I will let him go. However, I will take my time with the divorce proceedings and will make sure the terms and conditions are in my best interest and will ensure financial stability for my future.

Thanks in advance for your opinions.