When H had his followup appt Weds, his cousin who was supposed to take him backed out. I was supposed to take him then, but he never called me and asked, and guess who miraculously showed up to take him?? OW!! Of course! Long story short is that then that afternoon he called to ask me to take him to the appt he has this coming Monday and I told him no, that I already have my own appt, and that he could get OW to take him, since she had taken him that morning. He was mad, but got over it after awhile, I guess.
Friday we went to pick up the kids from his parents. On the way back, he stopped at an ATM and took out $180. He owed $110 for his half of daycare for D4, and I had covered him for $60 on something else. So he gives me $180 and mentions that he only owes me $170 but then says not to worry about the $10 that he'll catch it later or something. I got pissed but kept my mouth shut. Two weeks ago, he tells me to take $140 out his acct and spend $20 on D4. Which I do. Then later he tells me to give $20 to his cousin cause he owes him. I do that that, too. And it left me $10 short, but I DIDN'T CARE. It's 10 friggin dollars, for Pete's sake, it's not like it's gonna break the bank or something. So then after he made such a point about the $10 that he was letting me have, I was angry. And I should point out that he did eventually say, "Just keep the $10, no biggie," but I did NOT want him to feel like I owed him something or that he had done me some such huge favor.
That was yesterday. Like I said, I kept my mouth shut. This morning I went by to drop off D4 because I had class and he keeps her then. And I just told him about the last time, just so that he...realized that there have been times that I have covered for him and let it go, because I don't keep a running tab. And since it is usually me to keep my mouth shut...and that is part of what got me in this mess to begin with, I told him. I wasn't really mad, I was just trying to make a point. At which time he got pissed. Pulled the old "damned if I do, damned if I don't stuff". I tried to tell him, no, that wasn't the case, that I was just trying to let him know. I finally left and told him that I would be resending him the divorce paperwork Monday. That I give up.
I called him at a break in class and tried to tell him, that I am trying to open up more, to not keep everything bottled inside because this is part of what got me in this mess to begin with. That I am trying to do something different. I'm not great at it, because I haven't been doing it for so long. I apologized that it made him angry, but I'm trying really hard to just speak up.
And I think he is resentful of that. I was the one who always did what was expected. Me keeping everything in always let him believe that everything was peachy keen when it wasn't. So now I try to be open so that we can do things differently, and I feel like he just wants to keep the same old me around, who kept my mouth shut and did what pleased everyone else.
And then I talked to one of my neighbor friends and her husband last night, too. They are about 60. Between them, they have been divorced 9 (NINE!!!) times. She says she understands both sides, but that basically, what ya'll have been saying. If he says he's working on the marriage, then he needs to man up and DO something to work on the marriage instead of just SAYING he's working on the marriage. She said, "Melissa, there is no one in my life, except the kids, who is NOT expendable. He is hurting you and he is going to keep hurting you as long as you let him. He is going to be paying you back for how much he hurts. I would tell him you have had enough and WALK AWAY. If he wants to figure it out, he'll let you know." She also said she can't imagine either of us with anyone else. Which was nice to hear.
I am just tired of him bashing my head into a wall. It's been nine months since he got home and eight months since the affair has been over. He has said he forgives me, but he doesn't really, I know, or I wouldn't still be paying for this. Ugh!! I just wish I could quit crying! I have quit crying before, but these last two weeks, since he broke that stupid leg, have been just awful. She says I have a good heart, that I am a good person, and I know that...I just made a friggin mistake. I know that it will NEVER happen again.
Ugh. Sorry everyone. Guess it's a longer update than I intended. I'm just tired of having my head bashed in and being willing to take whatever scraps he feels like he has leftover to offer me.
The only advice I can give others, is if you are trying to make it work, DO THINGS TO MAKE IT WORK. DON'T JUST PAY LIP SERVICE.
I know I'm gonna be fine, no matter what.
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I apologized that it made him angry, but I'm trying really hard to just speak up.
