It is nice to know that you've still got it though I caught a woman checking me out in the gym the other day. I wish my wife could have seen that. I'm like you though--I will take the high road as I want my marriage.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
A very, very strange and brief conversation with WAW this day.
The group we had an outing with last night is having a BBQ this evening, so WAW came into to ask me if I had plans. No, why? Then explains re: BBQ. Hey, sounds great. So we agree to meet at the BBQ (she has to attend a function this afternoon) with the kids.
Anything else? No. And WAW turns to do what WAW's do, walk-away, and then turns back crying.
WAW reviews the feelings of guilt, sadness. I agree with what you said about sleeping together -- that not sleeping together took away our intimacy.
SP: I think that's right. I mean, I didn't make it up. I read it. But it's good to know we're in agreement.
WAW continues with the feelings of guilt, sadness, "I just don't know how we got here," and etc. Then she says how she misses this thing we used to do every night (no, not THAT thing ya pervs!), and how a friend of hers once said that Friend wished, if she ever got married, she'd have a marriage like ours.
Now, some wise man on these boards once said that you don't jump to Cloud 9 when WAW says something nice, and you don't jump off a cliff when she says something mean, so I stayed put.
I validated. Offered some kindnesses. Nothing pushy. No endearments, just kind of cliches -- well, it will take us both some time to process, etc., etc.
We were then interrupted by D6, blessedly, who immediately cut the tension with "I have to poop and there's no toilet paper in the bathroom!" So we laughed and parted.
What an odd, odd thing for her to do. Why would she want to share those feelings with me and not enabling gf, who I've heard -- ad nauseum -- is her Best Friend Ever?
Strange, strange creatures these pod-people we call WAWs....
I'm praying that you keep your stance of LOVING detachment (not coldness), and that she keeps thinking instead of staying on her stubborn, foolish path.
I have had very very similar experiences with my W - times when we're together - usually at some event connected with our S7 - as we were last week when attending a Parents' Evening at school and then S7's investiture at his Beaver Group - we saw a few other parents there - and got into a couple of conversations with other parents - during which it was as if the stuff that has happened over the last couple of years just never happened...we were able to laugh, whisper, share stories, observations and so on...and interact with other mums/ dads in a way that made me feel like we were still a couple with intimacy. It was very weird.
Yet at the same time I know she has an OM...
And I the majority of these other parents know this too...oddly, I didn't feel that it was difficult to deal with that evening - in fact I enjoyed it immensely - rather than let it get me down I saw it as a challenge to rise to...and was pretty pleased that I was able to. W also seemed very relaxed and game in the same way.
What I have learnt though - as you observed up-thread, is not to read anything too much into it...but to enjoy the moment and then leave it. I had exactly that same experience - I almost had to pinch myself to make me remember that this person who I was whispering to, sharing stories, thoughts and so on with - was a woman who a year ago was screaming at me that she was trapped, with no place to go...that it was all my fault, that her life was over and if it wasn't for S7 she would just leave and I would never see her again.
Previously, I would have followed that up with something - an email, a text - by being grateful in some way but never appreciating the underlying message of "hope" that such a message would convey and consequently how destructive that would be.
Its been a hard lesson - that every such interaction or approach from me was destructive - but since I have dealt with such interactions in that way, i.e. enjoy them for what they are, offer the validation and mirroring when "in the moment" (thanks to 25mlc for that) and then to leave it, the feeling I'm left with is much more satisfying and not undermined, as was the case when I went the extra mile - which after all, was then more about me and about my needs and wants.
By learning this and adopting this approach, things have got better for me - inch by inch; its like mastering another level of difficulty - achieving a greater level of competence. It may not result in W and I reconciling, likely it won't, but right now I concentrating on achieving a balance for me.
Smiley - when I first came here - I was struck by David's post on the front of this board - and while its taken me a while to even get half-way to his way of dealing with things - its something I still have as a goal...At the very least it will give W and I a basis from which we can ensure that S7 always feels secure and loved.
Excellent thoughts, GFI, thanks for them. Your last point is, I think, the most important one. At the end of the process -- "successful" or not -- something (+) has to exist for the child.
(Of course, if you're childless, feel free to select a sniper rifle from the armory.....) Oh. Did I say that out loud?
Well, you know how it is when you're out in the cold too long. A desk in Banking Section down at the Circus just doesn't sound appealing....
I caught a woman checking me out in the gym the other day. I wish my wife could have seen that. I'm like you though--I will take the high road as I want my marriage.
