Stellar~

[Bagheera]

Ali wrote:

I also added fuel to the fire by getting upset when it first happened.
IE~ taking it personal.

This seems to be such a universal female reaction to the onset of erection problems in your man. Unfortumately, it only tends to make the problem --worse-- and makes him disappear into his 'man-cave' over it; that is, not want to talk about or address the issue, but instead either brood silently or avoid it entirely. Last fall, I went into a bit of a defensive rant when the very same issue cropped up in my own sexual relationship.

The good news (for my wife and myself) is that we've both adjusted our thinking and approach to erections, and the problem has pretty much corrected itself. I've worked hard at keeping myself in the enjoyable moment, and NOT worrying about performance or my erection, because the instant that I do, it becomes self-fulfilling. My wife has to do the same: keep herself in the moment, and not worry about my erection state or what it means --> that's a rough one for her: not going into instant female analysis mode or taking it personally. The less we BOTH worry about it, the more likely it is that I'll respond in the way that we both want.

The irony here is that I could take the paragraph above, and rewrite it with the male and female roles reversed, and it would also apply to us. My wife used to (and occasionally still does) feel PRESSURE to respond to me, become aroused, be passionate with me, and reach orgasm. And the more either of us worry about that NOT happening, the more likely it is that she won't be able to.

Given the above, a successful sexual encounter for us is still a bit of a mountain climb for us, with the two of us tied together. If one of us slips, be both tend to lose our grip and fall back to the bottom. We can only reach the summit together, and if we work smoothly and comfortably as a team -- which does happen more and more often now. And these days, that mountain no longer looks like Everest either (particularly to her), but something doable and most importantly, enjoyable.

Ali wrote:

AND THEN also the fact that he has so many rules about sex.
Hard = horny he would tell me and when you arent wet it = you arent horny for me Ali.

I hear you --> that particular over-simplified misconception on his part has now turned around to bite him in the butt, hasn't it? (or somewhere closer to the front....).

You've proven over and over again that in your relationship with him, that YOU have to be the bigger person in order to make things work between you. You have to do the research and put in the lion's share of the effort to implement what you've learned / read. I have to do the same in my own relationship, and there are times when it feels like I'm the only one carrying the load and moving us forward. However, we HAVE been moving forward, both you in your relationship and me in my own, which is the important bit.

Take care, Ali;

-- B.

P.S. Who is Lil?