So H was going to come by Fri or Sat to talk. I decided to do some GALings instead of waiting around for him figuring if he plans on coming he would call me first. On Fri night he was taking care of our business and called me while I was at the movies with my girlfriend. he kept calling so I answered the phone in the movie and told him to text me. H hearing I went to a movie and he's there working got mad even though I think he only got made b/c I was galing and was not readily available to him. Anyway, he refused to finish the work and text me that I can't even take time out from being with my boyfriend and that he's tired from work and that I needed to come and mopped the place the Sat morning. I knew that he did that to "punish" me so you know what I just wasn't taking the punishment. On Sat I had plans with a co-worker to go to a dayspa with her girlfriends and I was keeping it. I did not go mop. At about 2pm the people renting the place called so I had to call H to give him the message and he asked if I mopped, I said no, and again he was pissed. hehehehe -- I was GALing. He went and took care of it. Anyway, so he didn't mention anything about coming Sat either and I didn't ask. Then Sat night a friend of H and I was having a birthday party -- really more H's friend. Anyway, I didn't even ask H if he was going nor did I tell him I was either. But I suspected he would be there and kinda hoped he would too but I told myself I was going to have fun regardless. I made sure I looked HOTTTT for that party. Anyway, got there and H wasn't there. I thought that ahwell I guess he's not coming. He got to the party like 2:30am (culturally our parties are late allnighters). So H walked in and greeted our friends and I stood in the back and the lights were dim in the place. He then noticed me there. Came over and gave me a kiss and said that I looked nice. I'm in California this week for work and he said he thought I was gone already. Anyway, I played it all cool. H said he was just poping in and was going to another friend's party but would be back. In my mind of course I was thinking damn if he was into me he would have stayed at this party. Shortly after I saw H walk back in. He came back and we danced the whole night.
Ok, the thing is H and I are caribbeans and so our dancing some would call "dirty dancing." It was getting pretty hot. Our friend kept telling H and I how happy she was to see us together at the party and snapped a pic of us. But then H called her over to take a better pic. I was trying realllllly hard to keep my cool but as a loving caring person it was difficult at times to keep it all in so I must say I was reciprocating the affection/flirtation as well. At one point I said to H we shouldn't be doing these things as friends since he kept kissing me while we were dancing and he ok don't kiss me then and I said jokingly you are kissing me. Anyway, so H and I left together and he was going to drop me my car and we talked a bit then. In the party H had said that he's been thinking about things too and he's mad at himself for how he handles things. We talked about that in the car and he said he sometimes wishes that he didn't leave and how he feels bad leaving me alone with all those bills and that he has problems and he thinks he needs to be alone. I told him that I do think he needs to take some time to be alone to figure things our, I told him that I loved him enough that I want to let him go, and that his problems he needs to figure them out by himself b/c no matter what woman he's with he will always have those problems. I also told him that I know I will be alright and that I'm not seeing anyone, I want to do things right by God and I don't want just any man I want the right man and I know God will he will take care of me by living right. I brought up my concern about leaving his son and he said he's getting big and he would understand and I just said that he would want his dad to be happy. He also said that he knows OW would leave with his son if he comes back to me and I told him he has a right to his child and I know he would feel good about not being in his life. I also told him that I wouldn't want him to not have his son on account of me. He said he would fight her he doesn't have the strenght.
Anyway, so during our talk it got a bit heated again physically and H ended up not taking me straight to my car. I know I know one of my 180s is to not ML to him and I know I so don't want to keep feeding this man cake but ladies and gentleman I was so enjoying the feel of my H that I just didn't care. We had a fabulous time. Doesn't it solve anything -- NOOOO. But H and I for all these years have had such a strong physical attraction that it is damn hard to break. In the middle of ML, H of course tells me how much he does love me and that he does want me to be his wife. But I take it with a grain of salt such it was in the midst of sex. So go ahead and 2x4 me all you want, I know that once again I have fed him some cake but that cake sure did taste good to me too.
This week I'm in California and promised myslef that I would distance myself from H a bit and do some NC. So will see how the week goes.
xoxoxoxo and thanks for all your support (and 2x4s)
Hi, I need someone to talk to... not feeling good at all. I need to run away fron my life and I feel so trapped. So I was in California traveling for work this week. The break from my life and troubles was so great. I felt so free and happy, all my hurt and pain felt like such a distant pass. Today I came back home. Before leaving I called H this morning to ask him about coming by this weekend to do the cable tv work he promised and H asked who was picking me up from the airport and he offered to pick me up. And of course as such a damn loser, I was happy and thing wow H and I are making progress. When in fact he was just trying to be a nice person. So on the drive from the airport I told him that I just wish I could go away and live abroad for like a year or so since I have no kids or anything holding me back except for this damn house. I even told H that when I'm away i feel so free and being in the house alone is just too depressing. And I just want to sell the house and run away but where would I live after I come back. I know its running from my problems but this is what I want to do. Anyway h dropped me off by my mother's place to pick up my car and I acually could tell that it was just cordial and we were just friends and the feelings hurt so much.
I even gave H some books I bought for his son. I'm not even sure if this is against DB's rules of no gifting. But H had mentioned that he needs to start teaching his son so I bought some educational exercise books for him. H just said thanks.
Anyway, I got home and as I walked in I got so depressed. I haven't felt this way in over a week., I just can't take this feeling anymore. I started balling my ass off. I feel so lonely in this house. And then H's Macy's bill came and I opened it and saw that he went shopping again which he has been shopping like crazy for OW on his Macy's card. This time he bought expensive cookware. God damn, that means that H has no intention of ending this whole damn thing. He is building a permanent life with them slowly but surely. This all just made me feel even worse. I've been home crying my ass off all night. Damn I haven't felt so bad in a long long time I feel like I am back right where I started from. So I was feeling so depressed that I called H crying and I could tell that he was in bed and then he said to OW let me talk to "this girl". This f--king girl, your f--king wife. Then he says, what's happen, and I said what do you mean I'm here alone in this house and my husband is laying in bed with another woman. Then H said look call me back when you calm down. And I hanged up the phone. This all feels so awful, oh my God I can't believe my life has come to this. I feel like I'm trying to be civil and nice to someone who just doesn't give a damn about me and my feelings. No friend would hurt another like that. I just hate him. God please I need help I can't take this hurting anymore.
Of course I did not get too much sleep at all. I realize that my breakdown was caused by the re-established communication with H. I need to go dark again. God, I wish I could be completely dark more so I wish I could just erase this man out of my mind. I hate him so much right now. He's so mean. Who the hell does this to a friend/someone they have supposedly loved for so long. To hell with that little bitch and him. I need to look after Vic. I just wish I didn't feel so bad rigt now.
So question, is it better to not be friends with our WS? I mean are they really our friends if they could treat us this way. I think if a platonic friend did to me what H has done I wold have felt like this is not a true friend at all. No one hurts the one they love. You protect the people you love. I know very well who H loves and it just isn't me. I definitely will work on breaking communication with him, out of sight out of mind. He does it well. He has nothing to do with me and seems to be just fine, happy as can be. Anyway, just needed to vent and get things off my mind. I will try to make myself busy today so that I can put this all in the back of y mind.
I feel like I'm trying to be civil and nice to someone who just doesn't give a damn about me and my feelings. No friend would hurt another like that.
I think you are so right! I'm so sorry, but yeah, he's just cake-eating I think. I think it would be easier on you to go dim with him and try not to have contact. Make him make a choice. If he's going to choose OW, maybe it's better to know. I just worry about you and the having to deal with all this. NC makes it easier, you kind of found that out it sounds when you were in California. How are you doing today? (((((Vicky)))))
I'm doing so/so today. Not feeling so well this morning. I think I need to occupy my mind. He is definitely cake eating and I know that I have allowed him. I just feel like I hate him so much right now and yet still love him. And then it makes me think how much do I love myself. I just want this feeling to pass today and to get back somewhat even keal. Before I left last week H was all i was thinking about every minute. It was truly sickening. So just need to focus on me, but it so easier said than done. God, I got my Masters degree and it was easier than this. I think if I could just go away for like a year I would come back so much better. But my house and job and the house has negative equity now so it is so not feasible to sell now. Maybe I'm just trying to run away but it would work and it would feel so good.
Ok still not doing well today. An emotional basketcase. Called H to tell him off-- in fact I called to remind him that in 1996 when I was in college and I broke up with him. H had taken it very hard and had lost lots of weight. i remember when I saw him I went back to my dorm room crying becuase of how thin he had gotten b/c of how I hurt him. I had called him begging him to eat and telling him that I don't like seeing him that way. I was hurt because he was hurt. Now, when I am hurt, H wants to hear none of it. I told him that is not a friend. He then went into I kicked him out and I called the cops on him (yes, because H and I was fighting and in his ignorance he was throwing my brand new furniture out on the lawn. Broke them up and so I called the cops), and he said he wasn't coming back. Anyway, we got into this brief fight that I kicked him out because of his behavior. Then I brought up him buying expensive ccokware -- yes, I did. It's like I can't stop myself today. And of course he got mad at that saying I don't even know what I'm talking about or what's going on. Oh, he loves to say that, you don't know what's happening. I asked him to go ahead and just change his cell #, this was one of his favorite tactics to do when he tried briefly to walk away from OW, but b/c of son and other reasons he always gave her the # back. Anyway, he hanged up on me saying that he will call me back he needs to clear his head. And I texted him, "DON'T call me back for weeks/months. You r dead to me here on. In fact PLEASE change ur cell #. I HATE YOU!! We wer never friends to begin with." He texted back, "Ok thanks".
Ok, I am going to give you a slight 2 x 4. Hope you are not offended.
I really get that you want to save your M. We all do and that is what brought us to DB in the first place. I have made and still make huge mistakes and backslide alot.
From what you post I am trying to see if your H is on the fence or trying to bow out with the least amount of drama or financial loss. Not sure. Either way he knows that all he has to do is snap his fingers and you are right back where he wants you. How long have you two been separated? How old is this child he has with OW? Seems like its been awhile and he has been with OW a long time.
I can tell you from experience that arguing and fighting with him and making him feel bad for leaving does not work. I sent numeous texts and emails pointing out how he abandoned me and the kids, how he walked out on his marriage etc. Your H knows this. He is choosing to keep on the path he is on. Nobody is holding a gun to his head. OW cannot keep that child from him and if he tells you that he is full of BS. HE is choosing to stay where he is.
YOU deserve to be happy. I am not saying to give up on your M if you are not ready, but for heaven's sake stop chasing this man. It will only drive him farther away. Get a life...on your own. Do things for you. Let your H see that you are over it and really don't need him. Come here and vent all you want but lead your husband to believe that you are blissfully happy and going on with your life. No more fighting. No more guilt trips. If/when he comes back, you want him to do it because he wants to...not because he has to.
Find someone else to do your work around your house if you can. Get other rides home, etc. If he offers just say thanks but I already have it covered. Do it with a happy tone and a smile. Make him wonder what the heck you are doing and why you are happy. Don't contact him unless its an absolute emergency. NOTHING. If he tries to engage you end the conversation in a nice way....you are just waaaayyyy to busy with your new wonderful life to deal with his immature crap. Always with a smile.
Your H may be fearful and confused. But he also may be cake eating as well. Sorry to be harsh, but I hate seeing you so run over.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
