I liked that movie, and for the Love Dare to work, the other spouse can't be a slime or a spineless lyiar, so it would not have worked with me either. Anyways, hope you have thing squared away with your L, you should have a say about the kids and where they stay, do you have joint custody? that's what I have now, and we both have a say about where kids go/not go.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
it must be also tough to have it happen so quickly. The adjustment and everything. Do you feel you are ready at this point?
Hi, Karen,
NC has the waiting period for a D more on the separation side of the time-line, if you know what I mean. That is to say, they make you wait a full year in separation before they allow you to file for D. I suppose in most cases that helps couples from entering into D proceedings too quickly. Some states let you file almost immediately, but then have a long period thereafter (which again varies from state to state) for it to become final.
Am I ready? I can't say that I want to be divorced, to have my M terminated, as that was something I had dreamed would never happen. This was supposed to be forever.
But since the State (in general and in specific) and society allows for unilateral divorce without consequence to the party that seeks it, making the death of my marriage just a matter of time, then if it has to be so, I'd just as soon get it over with.
My STBXW has been relentless and adamant for all of these 22 months that she considers our M ended already. I know, believe nothing the wayward says, right? But her actions speak louder than words; she has made certain, by God, that there be absolutely no chance for any form of reconciliation or any iota of a chance we might ever be friends, let alone a couple. I have never ever seen her so determined to see some endeavor through to this degree, well, at least not since our own courtship. If she had ever channeled even a fraction of such initiative and zeal she now displays from her D into our M we might not be in such straits today. She's a tough cookie in that regard, but it's obviously much more easy for one to maintain a level of hostility towards someone else than it is to put your own selfishness aside and work on a M.
But again, to answer your question, if this has to be, I'd just as soon get it over with and get on with the remainder of my life. I am as ready as I am ever going to be.
Originally Posted By: cat03
do you have joint custody?
Hi, Cat, yes I do. Joint legal custody and alternating weeks with STBXW for physical custody -- at least for now. STBXW occasionally chafes at the notion I might be truly involved with our S's, and then she starts making noises about curtailing my custody, as if a court of law would automatically side with her. She wants full decisional rights over our S's lives and if I ever voice an objection to her actions regarding them (such as rejuggling their daycare seemingly ever three to four months), she takes offense for my "interference" and threatens to sue me for sole custody. My threads outline the day-to-day insanity I have had to endure in this mounting custody battle, but I understand not wanting to wade through all that. Right now things seem quiet but once the divorce is final, I am certain STBXW will launch the next phase of her legal war on me, for primary custody.
STBXW occasionally chafes at the notion I might be truly involved with our S's, and then she starts making noises about curtailing my custody, as if a court of law would automatically side with her. She wants full decisional rights over our S's lives and if I ever voice an objection to her actions regarding them (such as rejuggling their daycare seemingly ever three to four months), she takes offense for my "interference" and threatens to sue me for sole custody. My threads outline the day-to-day insanity I have had to endure in this mounting custody battle, but I understand not wanting to wade through all that. Right now things seem quiet but once the divorce is final, I am certain STBXW will launch the next phase of her legal war on me, for primary custody.
But you know the reality is that's never going to happen. Either she doesn't realize that or she says stuff like that just to make you mad? I would just go NC as much as possible with her. And your marriage wasn't over a year ago or whatever when your W said it was. That's just a rationalizing trick or whatever, the WAS tells themselves so they won't feel guilt over their bad behavior! (Mine did that too of course). Gee, if he hadn't started an affair and getting a girlfriend, maybe he wouldn't have decided the marriage was hopeless??? How's it going with you. I'm starting to get more proactice with the D so hopefully we can get it done and over with sometime this year!!!! Karen
I can certainly understand wanting it to be over and done with -- if it has to be then let it be, I say. Is the timeline in your own case for just the big D or are you also trying to settle the custody issue as well? If the latter, that would explain why yours might be taking longer.
For my case, April 3rd, next Friday, is the D hearing. The judge will render my M dead at that point, with no more perfunctory a gesture than handing out a traffic citation.
I am taking that day off, not because I need to be there -- the L's will be there for the two minute ordeal -- I just want to pick up my sons early that day, spend the afternoon with them on such a (personally at the least) solemn day.
I am still so stunned at how easily one person can end a marriage unilaterally, and how the "system" fully supports and encourages it.
I felt the same way about the court's ability to render a marriage null and void. I'm glad I was in court as it ended. You know the amazing thing? The drama ended. A huge weight I didn't even know I was carrying lifted and I felt such calm and peace.
I'd been beating that dead horse (the divorce process/marriage) so much that wasn't even any glue, flesh, hooves, bones left.. just me slapping the earth with my own frustration.
I was the one that held on, clawing with my ragged fingernails.. for what? A man who moved on? A man who moved heaven and earth to be rid of me? A man who'd emotionally checked out years ago? It was me, strangling on a dream as real as fairy dust.
I'd save the day (or include another one) with your children for about 2 or 3 days after it's final. That's when their hugs will mean the most.
Somethings in life just aren't fair... but the best is yet to come!
Is the timeline in your own case for just the big D or are you also trying to settle the custody issue as well? If the latter, that would explain why yours might be taking longer.
I predict we'll have no problems with custody, he is having them one night a week and one day on the weekend. I would like to modify that to him having maybe every weekend or 3 weekends out of the month instead b/c he leaves the kids alone the morning they're at his place. But generally he wants them not that much, and if he wanted more I'm fine with that too, but pre-separation he spent 10 hours or less a week with them and that's plenty for him with his job, running, and OW.
Where we disagree is the homeschooling vs. public school and he wants me to work full-time so he can reduce or maybe cut out most of alimony to me. Basically $$$ is the big thing for him. Karen
nocode, so sorry about next Friday. I know how you feel. Even though I initiated the D, did the paperwork, found the lawyer, etc, xH caused the actual divorce. Wanted it. Did everything he could to push me away.
About taking the day off and being with your boys, I love that idea. I took the day off work, and arranged for my kids to be elsewhere the rest of the day. I thought I wanted to be alone. Nope. I got home and immediately went and picked them up. We went shopping and to dinner. I wanted to be with them. It wasn't happy, it wasn't sad. It just 'was'. Hug your boys and focus on being thankful that they are in your life.
I figure that since my presence in the courtroom on that day won't make one bit of difference, then I might as well do something more meaningful. And there is little more meaningful than spending time with my S's.
The problem is that STBX shot this down -- she got very defensive about me trying to pick the boys up early, and said I was not supposed to have them until 6 PM. I used her own words against her -- asked her whether it wouldn't be better that our S's spend time with their blood relative (me in this case) rather than "strangers" She decided to punt at that point -- she turned it over to S8 to decide, convincing him that he'd rather be at the YMCA day camp instead. S8 wants to go to the camp and there's nothing I can do about that. STBX won that one.
As I have mentioned, I would be tempted at this point to refer to STBXW as a b*tch, but I have too much respect for dogs to associate them with such contemptable behaviors-- dogs are, at the least, faithful.
<journaling>
Right now I am so torn up. I am distraught over the revelation I discovered this weekend. Seems as if I am always the last to know, but I found out my brother and his wife are now separated. They have three wonderful children.
The both of them, my brother and his W, have supported me during my separation, and to hear they are now in dire straits is killing me. I have not been able to speak with either of them about this -- they are being particularly aloof. I have talked with my youngest brother who is already well informed -- he knows all the details and was able to confirm this horrible turn of events. Apparently they have been unhappy with each other for some time, finally my SIL decided she wants out.
I got almost no sleep last night.
I also found out that my STBXW's sister, my other SIL, has been in contact with my brother's W. I don't think that's a very good sign. I have this gut feeling that my "divorce-happy" STBXW has also gotten involved -- if I ever find out that STBXW has said anything to my SIL, I will make her pay for it. She had better not, not after what they've said about me supposedly "interfering" in her family's lives. If STBXW has offered any influence on my SIL, I will make it my personal life's goal to make STBXW's life a living hell for the rest of her days. That's a promise, and you can bank on it.
I hope for all our sakes STBX stays well clear of this. I have a mind to advise STBX's sister to cease communicating with my family.
I'm so sorry about your brother, perhaps all is not lost, I pray this isn't the case. And for that to have happened it must've taken a lot more than (if ti happened that way) stbx's sister meddleing. Anyways, my prayers their way.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
(Mine did that too of course). Gee, if he hadn't started an affair and getting a girlfriend, maybe he wouldn't have decided the marriage was hopeless??? 
How's it going with you. I'm starting to get more proactice with the D so hopefully we can get it done and over with sometime this year!!!! Karen
Karen