Ali, sorry about the cloud, it will get better and easier. Maybe it is not so much to be seen as a mask but as a "faking it til you make it" attitude-that way the outcome has a more positive senorio.
I know you have huge debts as you have posted maybe if you are moving it might be a good time to try to at least reduce them. I know its not the best time to sell but I see the expects say it is never going to be what it was before so maybe releasing some of this pressure will be a good thing,especially as you are at a crossroad for choices. Freeing yourself from past commitments,releasing yourself from being obligated to xb/f (re c/card debts) and that will leave you better able to plan.
It in no way pushes b/f away or closes doors.
It will also rid or be a great help to you of this feeling of being worthless and taking active steps would be empowering and perhaps make x see a bit of the girl he left behind. A strong resourceful woman who is confidently taking charge of her life. Anyway just a thought.
Hope the rest of your time away is relaxing and enjoyable.
