Hi, I need someone to talk to... not feeling good at all. I need to run away fron my life and I feel so trapped. So I was in California traveling for work this week. The break from my life and troubles was so great. I felt so free and happy, all my hurt and pain felt like such a distant pass. Today I came back home.
Before leaving I called H this morning to ask him about coming by this weekend to do the cable tv work he promised and H asked who was picking me up from the airport and he offered to pick me up. And of course as such a damn loser, I was happy and thing wow H and I are making progress. When in fact he was just trying to be a nice person. So on the drive from the airport I told him that I just wish I could go away and live abroad for like a year or so since I have no kids or anything holding me back except for this damn house. I even told H that when I'm away i feel so free and being in the house alone is just too depressing. And I just want to sell the house and run away but where would I live after I come back. I know its running from my problems but this is what I want to do. Anyway h dropped me off by my mother's place to pick up my car and I acually could tell that it was just cordial and we were just friends and the feelings hurt so much.

I even gave H some books I bought for his son. I'm not even sure if this is against DB's rules of no gifting. But H had mentioned that he needs to start teaching his son so I bought some educational exercise books for him. H just said thanks.

Anyway, I got home and as I walked in I got so depressed. I haven't felt this way in over a week., I just can't take this feeling anymore. I started balling my ass off. I feel so lonely in this house. And then H's Macy's bill came and I opened it and saw that he went shopping again which he has been shopping like crazy for OW on his Macy's card. This time he bought expensive cookware. God damn, that means that H has no intention of ending this whole damn thing. He is building a permanent life with them slowly but surely. This all just made me feel even worse. I've been home crying my ass off all night. Damn I haven't felt so bad in a long long time I feel like I am back right where I started from. So I was feeling so depressed that I called H crying and I could tell that he was in bed and then he said to OW let me talk to "this girl". This f--king girl, your f--king wife. Then he says, what's happen, and I said what do you mean I'm here alone in this house and my husband is laying in bed with another woman. Then H said look call me back when you calm down. And I hanged up the phone. This all feels so awful, oh my God I can't believe my life has come to this. I feel like I'm trying to be civil and nice to someone who just doesn't give a damn about me and my feelings. No friend would hurt another like that. I just hate him. God please I need help I can't take this hurting anymore.