I just found out that W is facing some serious problems. Apparantly her depression is worsening. I don't know if this is related to her money problems, unresolved guilt/anger,living too long on her emotions, or just a result of general spiritual malaise and lack of faith, forgiveness.
She seems hard=wired for emotional disaster to me.
Anyway, she is unable to make ends meet and is considering selling her new car or getting out of her apt. Gas bill is too high ( told her to get on the equal payment plan, but I doubt she will even pursue it).
She was using our Sam's account for food and gas, not able to pay herself, and ran it to the limit. She thought erroneously that I had disabled her card. When we talked about it (I knew she was doing it, we had talked briefly about it b4), she felt pretty bad about essentially taking advantage of me.
At this point however, that doesn't matter to me.
Since depression can kill and her's is getting worse, I am concerned.
Her counsellor wants her to take a month-long medical leave of absense and to change her medications. But she can't afford to do that. Even if she could, she would not be able to relax and recuperate, which she needs to do.
In any case, I told her I would be praying for her and offered hugs if she needed it....(she needs hugs...)
Her text response: ' Thnks. I appreciate that. :)'
I also offered her a sympathetic ear and dinner, so she is going to go out to eat with me tonight.
I'll report back later.
I'm afraid that the chickens are coming home to roost for her.
I presume this latest development is the accumulation of all her bad financial and emotional choices weighing on her. But only she, God and perhaps her counselor knows for sure.
What I hope will become clear is that I am not the source and cause of all her problems, especially the worsening depression.
Last edited by native; 03/27/0912:20 PM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
W and I had a wonderful dinner tonight. I told her it would not be a date, but a time for her to share with me and tell me what was going on, if she wanted.
She told me everything that was going on in her life. It was very revealing.
Apparantly work stress (and if you want my two cents, trying to be counselor and savior to 20+ student workers) has burned her out so badly that her physical and mental health is suffering.
She will be taking a leave of absence, possibly paid.
She is $500+ behind on her car payment bc they were not drafting it out of her account as she had set it up.
The great thing that came out of this is what I hoped: She acknowleges that the rape trauma has been affecting her much more than she gave it credit. She says she has serious difficulty trusting men.
Apparantly she went on a few dates and they ended badly with her biting the heads off of the guys she went out with....they might have tried some moves on her. She says she scared them off.
She acknowledges that what happened in our relationship would have happened to any man she would have married, that the rape trauma issue would have sabotaged it.
Throughout the evening she talked, I listened, she laughed and we enjoyed dinner....it was really really nice. Not quite a date but a reaffirmation that we have a common tie (our daughter) and I hope, that we do have some level of trust.
When I took her home we were talking all the way. She pouring her heart out re all the things she has been going through, talking about practical matters. No specific talk about reconcilliation, but some talk about some aspects of our relationship that caused her problems.
I do really think she has turned the corner though.
She now sees that her problems are not essentially with me, but within herself and coming from her wounds.
I think it will be an interesting month, this mini 'sabbatical'.
Last edited by native; 03/28/0903:58 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Hey native, That is nice to see you had a nice dinner & convo with your wife. You seemed to handle it very well. Maybe she is coming out of the fog, to see you are not a bad guy. She has been doing some self reflection - so that is good.
I still believe that in M both partners place their own happiness too much on the other. Through here many of us have learned that we control our own happiness. But I think many WAS, at first, believe the LBS is the cause of their unhappiness. Finally, too late or not they realize this is not true. Ah, sometimes you just want to shake them, wake them up & say I'm not the cause of ALL your unhappiness!!
Your thoughts about her dates rang true - didn't it?? Your W is so lucky you are still around through all this craziness.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
