Hey Mish.. FE is like post 16, college (but not Undergrad), but really I wanted to be an adult trainer, or student mentor/study skills/dissertaton tutor.. I think. To be honest, I dont know what I am doing, just puting one foot in front of the other and keep on living, but its like wading through concrete and it doesnt give me any joy. Yes, theres been nights out, laughter, the odd bright spot, but I can honestly say, I havent actually felt happy since June 2007, when he started to switch off and I began to realise something was wrong. Kalni referred to it as a cloud over her heart I think and thats how I feel, I'm just surviving, not thriving and certainly not the carefree, happy go lucky person I was for many years before.
Sorry to whinge, its a bit hard being home here without him, as always, so many memories.. I went in a pub today (now a coffee house) where we used to go for drinks after work back in 1996, sooo many years ago. Now I am sat in there, drinking tea with my Mum, a childless spinster of 38, wow, what a difference the years make. I cannot say I am happy about it.
But then I went to my BFFs house and nothing there bothered me (and there are things about her H and issues that would have in the past) but I am not so nervous/neurotic/fussy anymore and took everything in my stride. For that I am grateful.
But.. although I am doing things for me, I dont see that as a beautiful situation or brilliant, sorry! thanks for trying though Mish. I like you have a alot of words inside me since he did this that I am ashamed to admit, but yes, despite 15 months of C, I still feel "worthles", not good enough, wrong, boring, annoying, like I failed, drove him away, lost the most precious thing I had been so lucky to have in my life for all those years. So.. thanks for letting me download that, I have been chating and laughing al night, acting as if. My BFF is also quit depressed, like me and she knows as I know she is, but theres only so much of that you can take and the rest of the time, you have to try and drink wine, eat chocolate cupcakes and pretend you are ok...
I seem to have become a bit of a 'mask wearer' like my ex. He has turned me into him.
Tommorow, I see his oldest BMF W for drinks, we are very close, but we dont talk on the phone ever.. so I havent spoken to her since Christmas. She may have met Helen at NY, but will also know what she is like, as she is friends with SIL and ex's brother and I am intrigued to hear a different opinion, instead of hearing it just from Cher and G.. sorry, I know thats frowned upon round here but I am curious and anyhow, thats me, nosey !
