A New Decade

[MsMelancoly]

Just to add to my previous post and say suspected former ow. I don't know, but don't think there is ow anymore. The little we spoke of her, he seemed very uncomfortable. Yet, he brought her name up - I didn't.

Should I have been so accomodating to him - don't know - probably not, but I was. Oh well...

[cat03]

careful ok? sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, who he is and hasn't found his way back to sanity, he sounds just like stbx last year when he used me for his emotional blanket and then got himself a live in gf in a matter of days, yes, days..he was too lonely.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi cat03 thanks for stopping by & for the insight. I agree, its' oblivious that my H doesn't know what he wants. Could I be his safety net in his eyes - yes. Yes, indeed, I'm stepping carefully.

[cat03]

I got hurt by being a friend and a listening ear, it was too soon, I was the wrong person to talk to... that's why I want you to step away, to let him deal with it and not to try to solve ANY problems for him.

Force yourself to have sub 0 expectations, please. If he wants back, he has to make himself whole on his own, to have a solid desire to want YOU as a woman not as a crutch, not because he is lonely/depressed/sad ... that perhaps having an R with you *might* make him feel differently... that's BS. BTDT.

[JCJ]

Hey Ms M

How are you doing? Any update on the H sitch?

Jx

[MsMelancoly]

Update on my sitch .... well this will be a 2 parter. Well, my H emailed me his D papers. He wrote: Here is my finished junk. Oh I am in debt. Bet you are glad it is not your problem anymore

Yes, my H is in debt. When he left me he was down to 5,000 now he is at $10,000. Whether or not he loves me (which I believe he still does), I realize he cannot come back. His pride and guilt of this debt & his suspected A will not allow him to. He has made such a mess of his life. And he has taken very few steps to even repair our friendship or M. I did offer to help him sell some of his toys on ebay to pay off some of his debt. We will see if he takes me up on it. Yes, another DB no, no. Although, DBcoach Jody did approve of it - so maybe not.

Just like his mum, which he learned from so well, he is in debt & still running from life. I had hoped when we got M that he would stop running. But, I know he cannot - it is who he is.

[MsMelancoly]

Part 2. So how do I feel about part 1?? I feel sad, sad that it has come to this, sad my H cannot stop running & sad he has made a mess of his life. Sad that he doesn't realize he's still running & will for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him & pity him. There is not much I can do about that. I acted like his mum to help control his debts, which I'm sure he resented me for. Our ideals about money are just not compatible. He mentioned about coming over tomorrow & signing taxes & D papers. WE will see if he decides to or not. I may just lay it all on the table with his suspected A. There is nothing to salvage so why not???

Me - I'm doing ok. I went out last weekend to a benefit concert of an old friend & then went to an after bar at a club. I had a good time, met a few other people I knew. A friend, acquaintance of mine hung out with me at the club. He's ok, definately not R material. Then on Wed, night M1, M3, my sister & I went to a local bar for their rockabilly night. It was a good time & good company. We all chatted a lot & even closed the bar. I hadn't seen M3 since last month! We have talked on the phone weekly, blimey we have some strange conversations - last time it was about misc stuff & recycling. My sister & I may go to a rockabilly show on Sunday, so I will call M3 to see if he's interested. He's so funny, he went out so much the week before, with his swinging bacholor life, that he was too tired to go out on the weekend. LOL M1 & M3 also invited me to a concert this Wed. So we will see how this plays out. If M3 likes me - he is very smart not to get involved with me while I'm still M. Who knows how this will all turn out.

[MsMelancoly]

So no meeting with my H this weekend. I did call him on Saturday & surprise, it was not voice mail - he actually answered!! He wasn't feeling well, so no meeting. I called him today, to see if today would work. He said maybe or maybe tomorrow & he would call me later. He did call back later & we are scheduled to meet tomorrow. So a small change in that he answered & called me back. Guess, I'm off the blacklist!

He said tomorrow eve is good for D papers. I said well, if it doesn't work out let me know. He said it would unless something major happens & he doesn't want to let me down. What a strange statement ..... hhhmmm......

[MsMelancoly]

As thoughts spin around in my head, it seems it's time for a bit of journaling.

My H did make it over tonight. I cooked dinner, not too bad of a job, although I'm not used to multi-tasking at home. He arrived & we had a dirty martini as he spoke about his day & we chatted a bit about misc things. Then we ate. After dinner he went to pet our (or my) cat. Our cat had such a special bond with my H, when he lived here. Last time the cat ran away & hid. This time the cat let H pet him & bit him, like old times. My H said mama (we used to call each other mama & papa) - do you play with cat2 like this. I said no.

After dinner we had coffee. I told him I would like to start with a clean slate. I asked him if he even knows why he left me. He said he didn't really know why. I asked him if he thought he left because he was afraid & afraid to talk about the issues we had & it was just easier to run away. He agreed it could be. Then I asked him if he thought his upbringing led him to run away when there were problems. Again, a could be from him. I mentioned about his mum (not blaming her) - but how she runs away from problems & his brothers in their own way do too. He agreed & gave examples as well. Also asked him if he had a girlfriend at any point since we've been separated. He said there was someone he wanted to date, but never did. (Don't know if I believe that one). I then asked him about his debt & how he got so much. He said it was from furniture & wall stuff he bought. He didn't want to take anything from home & hurt my feelings. And he really doesn't know how he's going to pay it all off. One card that he owes money on, his landlord owes him for!!! I said what & he's making you pay rent & he owes you money!!! Oh, I could just swat my H!!!! I told him about my mum's husbands huge debt & that he hid the growing debt from her for 10 years. What did my mum do? Put her house up as collateral & took out a loan. I told my H, my mum loves her husband & that what you do, work through the bad times. Then I went over & sat on his lap, gave him a hug & a kiss & told him that I still love him. He said that he loves me too. He hasn't said he loved me since sometime before he left. He said, I don't know why you love me, when I'm so bad. He said, well you love dog2 & cat2 & their bad. Yep, that's true. He then gave me the D paperwork I needed. When he was looking for it & pulling out papers, he said is this it? I said no, that is your petition to D me. He said don't say that. (Meaning I guess he doesn't like to hear it). We then signed taxes & divorce papers. I told him, that he knows he needs to start taking his things. He said he knows, but this was enough depressing things for tonight.

Before he left I gave the starving man some food to take home. Strange that he asked for it - normally he would decline. Then he said to dog1, that papa has to go. I said, you won't be their papa forever you know. My H gave me this pouty face & said don't say that. I told him 2 funny stories about cat2, to lighten the mood. I also asked him if he would change the brakes on my car. He said, I would love to!! I said, no you wouldn't love to, you hate working on cars. He smiled & said no I would love to.

Well, I don't know if reality is hitting him or not. I know from all the questions that I asked that I may not get the truth. My point was, that I needed to asked these questions. Maybe it was also to show that things can be talked over, I was pushing him to face his fears. To lay it all on the line, no what if she knows this or finds out about that. I needed some type of closure, truth or not - I guess I have it.

Again, how do I feel. Kinda numb, a calm sadness that it has come to this. He definately doesn't want to burden me with his debt & this is his maybe, noble way of doing it.

So on with the D - I have an appt on Thursday to hand in the paperwork.

[MsMelancoly]

On a side note, one other thing I asked my H was why did he think I didn't want to have kids? We had talked about having a child before we got married. He wanted them, I really didn't & we both would flip flop about it. And then, like many things in our R or M - he would always say whatever would make me happy. He pretty much said that until the day he left. A month before he left, I told him that I didn't want to have kids. Anyway back to my question, my H said because we don't have the money. I said, no because I'm afraid of being a single mother, I'm afraid of being abandoned. (as well as the money issue & the effect the guilt I would feel towards my pets). He looked at me and said the funny thing is, is if we would have had a child - I wouldn't have left. It is funny isn't it. Yet, I see on this board that a child cannot keep an M together.

Once again - lack of communication, as we both closed down and tried to hide.