The pain is incredible, so give yourself credit for having survived it. That must have been difficult, not to get support from those you'd thought would support you the most--I guess it really made you appreciate who your closest friends were? As for your friend who thinks you were clueless for 14 years, is it really possible she hasn't seen other guys around her in MLC? When my sister and I totted up the numbers, we were shocked how many we knew. Or maybe she has some reason for not wanting to believe there is such a thing? I really wish more people knew about MLC, because it affects so many lives ... and lasts far too darn long!
You know, my H was never good at apologies, and during the MLC he twisted everything that should have been an apology--or even a simple acknowledgement--back to me. That makes me see how far he's come, that he can now actually apologize.
That's interesting about the PE. The majority of MLC men do seem to have some sexual issues. In my H's case, he could no longer ... finish, pre MLC. (He's fine now, so a lot of it must have been depression-related.) I understand that the initial novelty may result in better sex with new partners, but that doesn't last. And on the whole, most affairs result in pretty bad sex. So, yeah, OW's motivations are questionable.
I know that in my case the abuse impacted my ability to be sexual in unexpected ways, and it's taken me a long time to figure out how I've unconsciously tried to "protect" myself with behaviours I'm now trying to change. I suspect some of your H's problems could be similarly motivated and believe me, it's so hard to change issues you aren't and don't want to be aware of. If that makes sense.
About the selfishness, I think H always had the potential to be that way, but as long as he was in love, etc, he generally wasn't. He was a great dad up until the MLC, then he started avoiding and criticizing the kids and quite clearly wishing he hadn't had them. Poor little things. When women have MLCs, I believe they're just as apt to ignore the kids and parent them poorly, at least for a time. I did read recently in the paper that researchers have determined that girls have a much higher rate of overcoming highly negative childhood situations than boys do, and wondered if that was why fewer women seem to have MLCs. On the other hand, for every MLC man, pretty much, there is an almost equally messed up OW, so I don't know that they come off that much better. (Although, many do seem to be serial OWs, reducing their ranks.)
I like the camping joke--I may even get to live it this year!
