This is powerful; yet a little unclear. If I understand you Coach; I'm to be confident, plan our time together, something that works with her LL; and yet that is somehow not pursuing. Obviously, I'm not going to be begging, showering her with gifts, etc.; not that type of pursuit.
Yes, be in charge. Plan a easy fun date.
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But last April, she had mentioned that she had always wanted me to pursue her. That's where I have trouble. The history behind us; and her desire to date, with my knowledge that she wanted me to pursue her last year. Putting all that together without sabotaging our recovery or appearing fake is a perceived obstacle to me right now. Not one that cannot be overcome; just something that seems unnatural. For some reason I feel I have to "date" her as though I would someone I've just met; and that would require acting. "as if?"
She wants to know you are thinking about her, that she matters to you. She wants to feel appreciated. That you went out of your way to show her she is the most important person in the world to you. Not acting as if but engaged while you two are together. Look at it this way: you are dating someone different than before. Have you changed? You get another chance to have the marriage you truly desire. So how do you make that happen?
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Look at it this way: you are dating someone different than before.
Exactly, and so is she!
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Have you changed?
Yes, I have changed. I have changed from the needy, codependent husband to a man that has his own interests and is sure of his ability to live happily without his W.
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So how do you make that happen?
I'm working on that. That's why I asked for some assistance. Just FYI; she lives in an apartment in town. Works nights and goes to school during the day; so our time together will be extremely scheduled.
thanks for stopping by Coach. I appreciate the assistance. I'm still concerned about the amount and frequency of interaction I should do just yet. I guess I'll do it like I've done DB in the past. She what works and keep doing it; what doesn't work, quit.
Tom..that sounds like a great plan, about seeing what works and keep doing it and throw out what doesn't?! Have you done anything today, sent her a text just as a "hi or how's your day?" As a girl, even something as simple as this would let ME know that you were thinking of me during your work day and we know that you men take your work time seriously, so it means extra. Of course, I can't speak for your W, but..
When is your next or first scheduled/planned date night? Can you get a sitter and go out this weekend or something? Just some random thoughts.
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
No Tawnya, I haven't done anything for her today. That's where I'm at a loss; I don't want to be too pushy or too available. But I'm don't want to be too unavailable either.
I'm working on a plan for our first date.
There will be no sitter for the weekend; unless you count her. She's watching the kids Sat. night whilst I go out. These were plans made before she decided that she wanted to date again. And I like to keep me commitments.
Anyway, how do you interact with a person who has wanted nothing to do with you for a year; to now wanting to date? How do you go from never initiating contact to deciding how much contact to make? Certainly, you don't just pick up and have contact every day?
Tom..yeah..I think it will be a challenge to find the right balance and it sounds like you are well on your way, if you are planning your first date..that's very cool Of course contacting her everyday is a little overkill for sure, so I guess think about how much is comfortable for you and gauge it from there, whether every other day or like 3 times a week is good or not enough or too much..I think you're in a good spot to be able to tell and see signs of what is working and what's not! I WISH I had the magic formula that if you call her x amount of times that it would be perfect, but we women are all unique LOL!
As for how to interact with someone you haven't contacted/done anything with for a year, I think you would almost have to look at it as if it was someone you just met. YES I know you know her, but think about when you meet someone new in your job or somewhere out, how do you interact with them?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Yesterday, I sent her a TM that was the greeting we used to use for each other when we first met. She replied back with the same greeting. I went out last night to my favorite place and was talking with a girl I know that frequents there as well. We were going back tonight; but then I decided not to after the following exchange with the W.
The W TM's me this morning to let me know that she would get the kids after she gets off work @ 5pm and tans. She asked if I was still going out; I replied "yes."
She says that the kids will stay with her and go to Church with her in the morning at 9am; unless I want them back to go with me later. I, humorously, replied "you're going to Church at 9am?"
She said yes because she now has to work tomorrow and has to be there at 11:45. So she can't make the 11:15 service. I said "Good luck getting the boy up that early." Frankly, I would be more surprised if SHE got up that early to go.
Anyway, she then said that depending on what time I got home; she would keep the kids here and stay the night then leave early or go home when I got home.
So I put this out there to her; "Let me get a babysitter, you and I go out to eat, you can stay here or at home; and we'll meet you at church at 9am. What do you think?"
I got an immediate reply, "Sounds good to me"
I guess I'm just journaling that I'm making an effort to do this; even while I'm having fun being out and about by myself. I think if I go by myself tonight; I'll be doing my M an injustice. 1 -- because I'm passing up an opportunity to be with the W. 2 -- because last night's convo with my friend was very leading and opening up doors that only a single man should go down.
Thanks everyone for their support. I'm trying to God's will.
{{Tom}} YOU are doing so great on your own hunches and know what is GOOD and what is NOT the right road..I knew you would be I hope you have a good night tonight.
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Wanted to third WDID and Tawyna. It feels good that someone else recognizes you as a good person. At the same time, once those doors open....they are hard to close. Don't get fogged out.
The C I see said that really, we shouldn't even have dinner or hang out with anyone of the opposite sex without inviting our partner. I didn't agree with this before. But I 100% agree with it now. Inappropriate is anything you do that wouldn't do in front of your spouse.
I keep that in mind now, because I NEVER want to be in this position again.
Hope ya'll have fun tonight! I am jealous!
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Well it was all fun until about 3/4 into it. Seems she is still in the fog. Since Tuesday night, God has now led her to believe that divorce is the only answer. That way she can't cheat on me anymore.
We might as well be back at Bomb day; M was never about love, I've not been true to myself; yada, yada, yada. All WAW script.
I validated and agreed that this is best; cause I don't want to work at it since she's still lying.
I told her the settlement papers will be done and we can file by mid April.
All of y'all don't say you're sorry; I'm actually relieved. I really believe that maybe God is leading me out of misery and prolonged pain and suffering. I just hate it for my kids; but I can't make her stay.
What a monumental waste of time tonight has been. I should've kept my original plans.
Of course contacting her everyday is a little overkill for sure, so I guess think about how much is comfortable for you and gauge it from there, whether every other day or like 3 times a week is good or not enough or too much..I think you're in a good spot to be able to tell and see signs of what is working and what's not! I WISH I had the magic formula that if you call her x amount of times that it would be perfect, but we women are all unique LOL!