Today, I called to ask her if she wanted to have lunch. And after a little chit chat, she asked how my IC went and if I wnat to keep going. Its cause she knows that I'm wavering about continuing with the IC or maybe trying another counselor or just stopping altogether.
And W asks if I'm getting what I need out of it. And I said that I not completely sure what I want out of the IC. And then my W asks what I want. And I say out of IC or out of all this. And she says out of all of this. So I say you know what I want. She says, no I dont. And I say I want the same thing I've been saying I wanted this whole time. And she says 'you still want that?' And I say yes. So now I'm getting the feeling that she thought I wouldn't have lasted this long.
And I dont' even remember all the details, but we talked about her feelings and the usual ILYBNILWY, blah blah. And again I validate that I understand she feels that way now. And we get on the subject of what went wrong with us. And I say how I've learned so much in teh past few months and I can see how things went wrong. And she asks me what I think went wrong. And we talk about the nasty cycles where you do stuff to one another (whether you know it or not), and the other reacts which causes another reaction, etc, etc. And how I can see so many times now where we caused bad situations/feelings to each other whether we knew it or not. And she agreed.
Then I ask here if she heard of Retrouvaille, and she says no. I told her its kinda like a weekend retreat for couple in trouble and there is one I have info for in August. I ask if she would like to go with me. And she said yes. And then she asks how come its so far away in August, and I say I think there's one alittle earlier and if she thinks we should look into that one. And she said yes. So I'm getting info on the May1 weekend now.
And then I wanted to confirm what she told me the other week about getting a babysitter once/week. Sometimes she says things and then seems to forget so I never pushed it cause I didn't want to come across as pursuing. But I asked if she remembered saying taht and she says she did. And she wants to keep working on getting our son to sleep alone. Right now he still needs one of us to stay with him in bed till he falls asleep. This was one of our problems cause waht happens is that whoever puts him in bed usually falls asleep with him and the other person ended up sleeping alone. So we always seemed to be sleeping apart for a long long time now.
So now she's willing to go to Retrouvaille, we're still going to try to get out once/week as a couple and going to keep trying to get son to sleep without one of us having to be with him.
Also, I just remembered, when we were having the talk about waht I wanted...she mentioned that she thinks we are both getting too comfortable with how things are now. I'm thinking that yeah...you're comfortable cause you wanted it this way remember? But I didn't say it. I just said that I am giving her space because she asked me to give her space. And that this isn't the way I wanted our R to be, and that I'm not 'comfortable' with keeping us like this but I'm just doing what needs to be done for now. So I don't really know what this means. Maybe the DBing is working alittle, where she thinks I'm getting over her. I don't know.
So i'm kinda happier right now cause I think I made a gain today, but I still realize that the feelings for me are still not there.
