I'm not sure who's reading this anymore since I haven't heard from anyone since my last update. I met with my DB Coach Monday night. I don't know about the other coaches, but mine really is kind-of like a coach. What I mean is there's not much sympathy there. In a way it's like she's getting me to "man-up," like an old basketball coach of mine. She's tough.
Anyway, I'm doing the best I can to follow what she says to the letter. When I think about things logically and with a clear head, I guess things are going alright. Things haven't really gotten any worse in the last week or so. Although the only victory I can point to is that she told me "thank you" one time.
On Tuesday night I did ask my W if she had seen a lawyer. She said that she had. I waited. She said nothing. I finally said, "Well?"
And she said "Well what?"
I said, "That's OK you obviously don't want to share anything with me anymore." I started to leave. I wasn't trying to storm out, but I'll admit that I wasn't exactly Mr. Happy either.
She said, "What is it you'd like to know?"
I said, "Well if something is going to happen to me, I'd like to know."
The coversation opened up a little from there. She said that she had taken our financials to the lawyer. She also said that she had asked the lawyer about the house - me using it as collateral etc. for the business loan. She asked the lawyer this despite the fact that I had already told her that I wouldn't do that. I told her she didn't have to worry about loosing the house. Ironically, if she divorces me, she'll lose the house anyway.
The disrespect with her just blows my mind. I honstly couldn't tell you what I would need to do to earn her respect. I've tried to think about things that I have been irresponsible about, and I'll admit that early in our marriage I was irresponsible about more than a few things. But, I haven't been that way for years.
Here's an example. She hasn't asked me to pay the bills at home since out first year of marriage. I have offered to pay them, and I wanted to take it over, but she resists. Yet I currently own an insurance agency that handles over 2 million in premium a year. I have yet to get behind on a payment or a single billed owed at work.
I'm sorry. I'm ranting at this point. I admit that I'm still angry at her. I'm doing everything I can to let go and forgive, but it's hard.
What's really frustrating is going dark. I haven't called or e-mailed in days. Really only one phone call and one serious conversation in 31 days. You would think at some point that she would want to talk about something - anything. I really think our roles have reversed as far as communication. I'm the woman and she's the man.
OK, on to something positive. My coach told me to bring a book ("How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk") over to the house the next time I keep the boys there. Then let the W catch me reading it. I'll be trying that next Tuesday 03/17. She also told me to pick up a kids cookbook, and make a meal with my two boys. I won't be able to do that this Tuesday, but I will on 03/24. Man that seems like a long time away. At least it gives me time to plan.
That's it for my update. Hope to hear from someone. Thanks for reading.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
Your W's behavior is very typical of a wayward spouse. My W treats me like a stranger (or her enemy) and she's the one who had an A! It's hard for LBS's like us to come to terms with this. Because it just doesn't make sense.
This is something you'll hear over and over again: Don't try to rationalize your W's irrational behavior. It makes no sense for your W (the woman you trusted and loved more than anyone for many, many years) to treat you this way. And yet she does. And the reason is most often because she's fogged out on an affair. Could be other reasons, like MLC/depression, but whatever the cause, her actions are irrational.
I'm dark in my sitch too, and my W only contacts me when she absolutely needs to. We haven't had a real conversation in over a month now, and really I don't think I want to. Because whenever we do, it's like talking to a pod person.
Your coach sounds good. I think that all of us LBS's need a good kick in the butt. Stop tip toeing around our wayward spouses and start taking control back over our lives and our own happiness.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
Good to hear from you. I'm just going to keep at it. One of the things that bothers me is that I feel like I need to call my boys at least once a day. So, I call the house. I do say very, very little to her. I basically just ask her to put one of the boys on the phone (nicely of course). I do this for my boys, not for her at all, but I wish I didn't have to call at all. What I mean is I wish I could call the boys without having to go through her.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
I'm not really sure why I'm typing here at this point. Maybe it's so I'll have some kind of record. Things have gone from bad to worse, to worse even still.
I've had two conversations with my wife since the last time I posted anything. Each time I have tried to do what my coach and the book says. Each time I have found that things are worse than I thought before. I'm not saying that the book / coach doesn't work. I'm just saying that the more I talk to my wife, the more I find out how much she hates me, loathes me, has no respect for me etc. etc. etc. etc.
I just feel like I don't have any fight left in me. I'm almost positive I'm going to be served with papers within the next two weeks. You know, I only moved out on 02/11/2009.
Also, I think she and her mother are trying to hide something from me. I really don't know what unless it's just that I'm going to be served. And, I don't really know if I care. I'm about as defeated as it gets right now.
Maybe my next post will be better, but I don't know.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
I'm not really sure why I'm typing here at this point. Maybe it's so I'll have some kind of record. Things have gone from bad to worse, to worse even still.
I've had two conversations with my wife since the last time I posted anything. Each time I have tried to do what my coach and the book says. Each time I have found that things are worse than I thought before.
Cat,
Define "worse." Do you define it this way? :
Quote:
the more I talk to my wife, the more I find out how much she hates me, loathes me, has no respect for me etc. etc. etc. etc.
If you are, then you're using the wrong metrics. You don't measure DB success by the content of wayward spouses' spew.
You measure success by how much closer you are to YOUR goals than you were before. What ARE your goals? What are you doing for YOU?
Well let's put it this way. I received a phone call from my lawyer yesterday that I would have the divorce papers today. She has filed. I barely had a chance to DB at all.
That's not to say that I can't continue.
As far as goals. My only goal was to get her to talk a little to me without tearing me apart. That's not happening either. And at this point I really don't want to talk to her. All it brings me is grief. So, I guess I need to set some new goals.
I'm moving into a rental house next week. It's a nice little place, and I'm trying to GAL, but it's not my place. I'm just so worn out. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of feeling like dirt.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
Well let's put it this way. I received a phone call from my lawyer yesterday that I would have the divorce papers today. She has filed. I barely had a chance to DB at all.
Your DBing efforts have really just started. Don't expect miracles - consistent, loving action is the key. Learning how to truly love is the hard part, you start by loving yourself first. You can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
70% of my DBing was done AFTER divorce papers were filed.
That was almost two years ago.
As Coach said, your journey is just beginning. I'm just trying to get you to measure success by something OTHER than how pi$$y your wife is, or how she treats you.
Sorry for the hijack -- but Puppy where are you at, generically regionally speaking? You seem like the kind of guy Smiley's Person would enjoy a whisky or two with (and note the spelling of 'whisky,' which, if you do, tells me something about you -- as did your reference to the much-underappreciated "Three Days of the Condor").
Back to my regularly scheduled nervous breakdown over at my place....
