A new thread, a new outlook.....

[Can it work]

The title of this thread says how I mean it to go. I've done a lot of soul searching and I think I'm coming back around to the idea that regaining the love and respect of my W is not an impossible task. Many things have helped me come to this conclusion, not least the support I'm getting here on this forum.

Last night a good friend of mine came for a visit and we had a really good talk. It helped me clear my head and focus on the important things in life. I've realised that my main issue right now is my inability to GAL. It's something to work on with a whole new set of goals to spur me on.

PM, I thought a lot about your last post and what I could do about it. I brought it up in my coaching session today and got a surprising response. She advised that I should just let the extra night go and suggest to my W that we just pretend I never made the request. At the end of the day it was about what I wanted, not what was best for Wee Man. In asking for that extra night I would have come over as needy and therefore once again not attractive. She also suggested that it was one more night where I could know for sure that my W was not out partying and getting up to no good.

I know after my coaching session that I really need to focus more on the positives. Lets face it, she offered me tea and came to me for advice. That's a positive step in anyone's book. I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. This could be the start of a friendship. My W wants to gossip with me about her friends. I need to embrace that and essentially become like one of her girlfriends rather than her LBH. It's obvious she still sees me as someone she can turn to and that's a firm foundation to build more.

As for her not filing for a divorce yet PM, I'm not 100% sure of the law here but I told her at the beginning that we have to wait 2 years for a consenting divorce. She won't be thinking about it because she doesn't know it's a possibility. If it turns out I was wrong and we can divorce before that, I think I might keep that information to myself. No sense in giving her more ammunition.

I've contacted an old school friend of mine today to try and arrange some time to meet up over the weekend to discuss the possibility of starting up a mountain biking group. I always complain that there's nothing to do here except go out to the pub and drink. My coach asked me what was to stop me starting up something myself. It was a fair point. Every club and social event is started by someone because they have a need for it. Why can't it be me?

After my coaching session I felt really good. I then went straight to the gym to give myself a good endorphin fix. Afterwards I went for a nice soak in the bath and dressed myself up well. I'm going out to visit my Mum later for a family gathering. Many of my family members who are attending are similar in age to myself and have young families. I've just kind of lost contact over the years. It's time to re-establish that contact and extend my social circle where I can include Wee Man.

I honestly feel like a new person who's been given another chance and I'm grateful for it. I've been feeling so negative lately and there's no excuse for it. It stops here. I know I'm still going to have my low moments but I need to learn to pick myself up from them and move on to more positive things. Basically, I lost my way there for a bit. With the help of all you lovely people out there though, I'm going to find my way once again.

Keep smiling!

Kev

[Can it work]

It's been a good weekend in general. I've been trying to keep my PMA and am succeeding in most ways I think. On Friday I enjoyed my family gathering at my Mum's house. Yesterday I went shopping with my sister and her daughter and grabbed some lunch. There were a lot of laughs and it was an enjoyable time. Last night I went to visit an old school friend of mine to discuss mountain biking. I think we're going to keep in touch regularly regarding it and will probably set up some kind of club in the summer. The plans are for some trips to some of the best mountain biking trails in Scotland. Something to really look forward to.

Today I got up feeling refreshed and went to pick up Wee Man to take him swimming. He's not been for a while and was quite nervous about it at first. He soon got better though and started to enjoy himself. I then took him to my house where we played with the dog for a bit before taking him back to my W.

My W has been quite pleasant and we gossiped for a bit. I think with a bit of work I could possibly build this in to a good friendship. That's where my DB coach says I have to go first so it's a large goal to work on. I just want to reduce any negative feelings between us so far as I can. It's time for me to stop taking life so seriously and show my W that I can be a fun person and hopefully make her want to have fun with me and Wee Man. I'm sure it's going to take a fair amount of time but let's face it, it's not like I'm going anywhere.

The only cloud in my life at the moment is that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm getting Wee Man on Monday and Tuesday this week though so that should make up for it.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev, seems like you are doing real well. I think our DB coaches are giving us similar advice. You can't mend a marriage without a friendship. I'd like to go there as well and picking fights now will not help things. Glad to hear that your W was pleasant and Weeman is also doing OK now. I assume that he is adjusting all right, otherwise you would have wrote about it. I can't wait for my coaching session on Tuesday. When is your next appt?

[Can it work]

Hi PM

Back at work today and really should be catching up but thought I'd write a quick post.

Wee Man seems to be adjusting just fine but he was always used to staying other places between grandparents and child minders so he should be used to it. Not sure how he'll be when he's older but right now he seems fine. I'm looking forward to having him to stay again tonight.

I hope your Tuesday coaching session goes well tomorrow PM. I've not got any more appointments at the present time. I already had the 3 that I paid for. I got some really good advice though which I'm going to work on for a while before setting up any more. I'll set up more if I encounter any problems along the way or when I get to the next stage and need advice but right now I'm just going to go it alone with support from here.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Kev, Glad Weeman is doing OK. I am sure that is a huge load off your mind.

I am helping a guy called Lovetwinslost in 'I am thinking of leaving...' forum. Do you have time to check out his thread? I think maybe you can give him a little insight. His wife is very disinterested and he is at the end of his rope. Thx.

[Can it work]

I had a great time with Wee Man last night and this morning. He's really starting to develop his own personality and I swear he has a lot of mischief in him! It makes things so much more fun though. The poor dog is often the subject of his fun. She takes it well though and obviously loves him to bits too. That could have something to do with the fact that he keeps giving her his food though!

The last few exchanges I've had with my W have been very pleasant. She even came up to my house in my car last night so she could take the dog a walk. I'm not expecting miracles but at least things are less uncomfortable than they have been for what seems like such a long time.

My W's brother came to visit me last night and we had a good chat and a couple of beers. Again, I never mentioned DBing or even trying to regain my M. He did talk about his disbelief at why my W has left and is yet another person who can't understand her actions. I'm not going to keep questioning her motives though as there's nothing I can change about that. Basically, I let him know that I'm doing fine and discussed some of my new found hobbies and my work. When we did talk about my W I was very pleasant about her and never bitter. It ended up that when he left he promised he'd come back again soon because he'd really enjoyed his night.

It is nice for me to be able to remain on good terms with my W's family. They were all such a huge part of my life and I would hate to lose them. I don't think it will hurt to have them singing my praises to my W either! Lol. I know now that there's nothing stopping us getting back together other than the small matter of her not loving me. I do believe in myself though that I'm improving daily as a person and hope that some day she'll begin to start seeing me as attractive once again. I know it will take time and patience but the way I feel at the moment, I'm willing to give it all the time and effort I need to.

So, in a nutshell, life isn't looking too bleak any more. To borrow your signature phrase PM, "Yes, I can." Powerful words that we all have to keep telling ourselves. Only we can control our destinies.

Keep smiling.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev,

Glad to hear you are sounding so positive. I am sure your positive attitude is having an impact on not only your W and Weeman but her relatives and your friends as well. People are attracted to positive energy so it's a very powerful tool to have. Hence I have it in my name to remind myself. Hehe.

You are using your energies wisely, GAL, relationship building and work. Good for you. I think it's a good sign that W is feeling so comfortable around you, it's a baby step and much much better than the alternative so don't knock it, OK? Stop telling yourself that she doesn't love you, though. Prove the opposite, c'mon, I won't spoonfeed you this time, give it a try. I know deep down she loves me because...

[Can it work]

Ok PM, I'll give it a try. I know deep down she loves me because.... who wouldn't?

Sorry, I didn't take that very seriously did I? To be honest PM, I'm not looking for her to love me right now. First I want to be her friend. I want her to turn to me not only for advice but for fun. I want us to laugh and joke together. I then want her to realise that I'm someone she wants to be around. From that, she will then realise that no matter who else she might find in this world, he won't be Wee Man's dad. A dad who by all accounts Wee Man loves spending time with because it's so much fun. Then I want her to turn those feelings of friendship in to feelings of affection and finally love. At that point, I'll have succeeded and will not allow myself to go down this road again.

Positive thinking is a powerful tool indeed PM. I find it is helping me more than anything. There are still times when the doubts try to push through but I'm doing every thing I can to keep them supressed.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Kev, Good to see your PMA again!!! DBcoachs really do help with that & giving another POV. I always felt much better after talking with mine.

[Can it work]

Hi there MsM.

Yeah the DB coaches really help put things in perspective. I've had my 3 sessions for now and think I'm going to wait a while until I schedule any more. I have plenty of ideas to be working on now so I'm just going to see how it goes for a while.

I took Wee Man to my IL's house this morning because the child minder is ill. I'm still getting on great with all my W's family so it's really helping me cope. Unfortunately though, I'm not going to be having Wee Man over to stay with me for a week now. I should have had him this weekend but I've got a wedding to go to on Saturday. I'll be getting him for the next 2 weekends after that though so it's not all bad. It's really good that my W and I are remaining flexible with visitation so things like this don't cause too much hassle.

I've got a friend coming over tonight to watch a DVD and have some Chinese food so that should be entertaining enough and pass some time. I then have to do some overtime at work over the next couple of days so I'll be working 7 till 7. Not the best thing to have to do on my birthday but I'm sure I'll live.

Speaking of my birthday, I'm curious to find out if my W has got me anything or not. Like I said previously, I imagine she'll probably get me something from Wee Man but not from herself. I could be wrong though. It would be nice to think she'd still want to get me a card at least. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

My BIL told me something interesting the other night. My MIL is still giving my W a hard time on occasion about things relating to the separation. My W had told her mother that she was thinking of getting a cat. Her mother then went on to criticise her because she already has a pet (a lovely beagle we got together that I ended up looking after permanently) and that she needs to pay more attention to her. Lo and behold, my W suddenly decided to take the dog a walk that very night. I don't mind having the dog but it was quite upsetting that my W had loved her so much and then effectively abandoned all ties with her when she moved out. Hopefully it'll be yet another thing which may assist in keeping us close. After all, the dog hasn't done anything wrong.

I can't seem to get motivated at work today. Not sure why though. I don't think it's anything related to my sitch. I just don't really feel like being here today. It's nearly lunchtime though so I might be better this afternoon. I hate feeling like this because it makes the day pass so much slower.

Anyway, I guess I'd better go now and try to find at least some motivation so I don't feel like I've achieved nothing the whole morning.

Keep smiling.

Kev