WAW Affair Confirmed - Advice?

[DCBHM]

It sounds as if you are keeping a very sound mind and staying focused on what is important. I sincerely hope that the MC will help. I have little confidence in so many of them, but she sounded as though she was perceptive to what she picked up with her visit with your W, so maybe this counselor knows what she is doing and is pro-marriage. So many just tell couples or individuals that the M won't work and go their separate ways.

Yeah this therapist came across as very pro-marriage, but was also willing to consider 'divorce mediation counseling' but she seemed to think I could handle all that on my own, and seemed to prefer helping to save my M especially seeing all I have put up with the past several months, and seeing how I'm still emotionally reaching out. She almost acted like she wanted to cry herself after I spent 30 minutes discussing each bit of evidence of the A, and my knowledge of it, but yet I was bringing home a rose and reaching out to W emotionally.

She liked the analogy I gave of the mixed messages I knew I was sending, since I was open, compassionate, etc. on the personal side - but on the legal side I'm a bulldog. So it was like I was holding out an olive branch while beating W with a stick.

But she recognized I have been very reactive to what has been thrown at me and didn't seek this fight.

I told her I felt like Israel, people tossing rockets over my border until I gear up to fight and they scatter like cockroaches.

So she did recognize and ask if that made me feel "empowered" and I said "yes" but also that I felt sad because I didn't want to do this to someone I love. I told her I was reluctant to fight, but never afraid.

Don't look at what I am about to say as criticism but just to keep a "watch" on yourself. Your post almost.....almost gives a hint of arrogance in how well you have everything together and all the proof against her. That doesn't mean you ARE, it is just what I sense. So, what I want to say is to be careful about getting "smug" in your work to prove yourself to be the best parent to have custody of your child. If.....if she should try to come back into the M, it would be a very humbling experience for her and very difficult b/c to be proven that you are an unfit mother, I think, one of the most devastating things to happen to a woman. Even though she brought all of this upon herself, it will still be devastating. I am not blaming you for fighting for your child; I think you need to for the welfare of the baby. But, if she does try to come back and approaches you in that decision......whether you want her back or not, try hard to be kind in your rejection of her or your acceptance in taking her back and if you take her back.....try never to discuss the matter of you being the better parent. I suppose what I am saying is that if she wants to work things out in the M, you will need to be strong, but yet don't come across to her as her superior in the MR or in parenting. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say in my own poor way, here. I don't think she should have custody, but as a mother, I just can't help but have pity for her (and yet feel anger also....since she let this happen) b/c I think when she wakes up to what she has allowed to happen......she will either turn to you or she will hit rock bottom and there is no telling what may happen to her life then. So, you need to really evaluate how your feelings rate for her and I know a lot depends on the MC and the ruling of the court and her further behavior......I realize all of that, but also try to keep this thought in your heart, okay?

You are doing good.

Sandi

Well, I think it really bothers her because she knows that I "know" but I haven't yelled, haven't done anything but reach out a hand of friendship, non-judgment, and compassion. That only has to multiply her guilt I'm sure - and maybe she feels like she can't come back now.

When it comes to our personal relationship - I'm being kind and respectful either way, because I have nothing to gain by trying to 'win' an argument. I've always told her that nobody wins when we argue.

When it comes to the divorce I'm playing total war. So it probably sends a mixed message - but I recognize she'd do the same to me in her mental state if she had real evidence.

I try to keep very humble about everything, and want to know I do things for the right reasons. I self-reflect every day and try not to get too far ahead of myself. Whenever I do start to feel 'empowerment' 'pride' etc. I just remind myself of W's arrogance and how quickly she fell when all the evidence fell into place.

I've been evaluating my feelings for her, and they have gone pretty much to ambivalence as the therapist said. I love her, and I hate her. I haven't resolved which is stronger, but each passing day tilts the scale one way or the other.

I wrote a "timeline of the breakdown of the marriage" in response to an interrogatory and it ended up being 17 pages long. Remembering all those hurtful details has definitely put me in a less favoring view of W after what she has done.

But just last week I had read through 3 years of her personal journal, and I felt pity and compassion for her.

So I have warring emotions going on myself now, and I structure that by focusing on what I know is important and having faith that the other things will work themselves out - because I have to worry about controlling the things I can, and letting the things I can't handle themselves.