I have though about it a bit, and everything seems to fall into either the category of "Pursuing" or "Initiating R Discussions"
I know pursuit won't work - note her flight reflex discussed above.
The only weakness I know of in the wall is our sons. It is hard for her to detached when I am playing with the kids and she is around (although she tries really really hard to do just that) - so that is one easy and fun way to take a few bricks out here and there. Don't think it will take the wall down.
I may have to find a way to start gently initiating R discussions.
The other option is to just let her build the wall...
Last edited by Thinker; 03/27/0903:10 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
No, no discussions about anything - even the questions I ask about household logistics or the weather get (basicly) 1-word answers. And you have to understand that she is VERY chatty and social - with everyone else.
Back when we were having periodic R discussions, she did bring up the idea of D, but never separation. And D was always in the abstract - as in "Maybe it would be better for our kids if we D, because then we (she) can move on and give them an example of loving and supportive R's rather than the one we are going to have together."
I'm just worried now because I can see that she is stewing and not talking (to me or to C). I am concerned that when she stops stewing and starts talking, she will already have things too fixed in her mind to reconcile.
...But maybe that won't be what happens. Maybe I just need to be more patient.
I'm sure not starting any R discussions or changes today, and will then be away for the next one.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Oh, most definitely, not any time soon. We'll it's good there has been no talk about moving out.
If you are doing 180's, you have to stop talking to her. Force her to talk to you. Make her wonder why you're not initiating conversations and start giving her one worded answers.
If what you're doing isn't working and you know it, IMMEDIATELY try something else.
1) GAL - really a 180 for me to go from the non-working out, non social stay at home to the opposite.
2) Stop the Pursuit
3) Detach and stop trying to control
I have also been successfully focused on PMA - I started acting as if things were ok with me and as if her moods and withdrawal were not impacting me, and sure enough it actually began working on me. I AM happy and cheerful - and I AM ignoring her when she is in a foul mood.
Now I am wondering if it is a see-saw effect - the happier and more engaged I get, the more she withdraws and gives in to her own unhappiness.
Hmmm...as I said, food for thought.
For now, however, I want to try to stop analyzing her and our sitch. The answer seems to continue to be the same - detach, be patient, give her space, and focus on myself.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Just got back from my 24 hour retreat - it was really a great thing to do for myself - met some great men, got a lot of stuff out on the table, clarified my thoughts about faith a bit.
It was also 24 hours away from my W -giving us both space.
At the retreat, all of the participants got surprise letters from their family and spouses. Mine from my W was hurriedly and sloppily written and showed that she really did not want to write it. It said some things about appreciating that I worked hard to support her and the kids and the work I did around the house and that the kids loved me and needed me. It said she hoped we would both continue to be great parents no matter what. So that gives me a few things to keep working on - focus on the kids and keep up the help with the housework.
Other than that it shows that after 3 months of my DBing, she is as negative or confused about the R as ever.
No change in our R when I got back - I am cheerful and positive (or at least think I am) and ask about her day and the kids and talk about my Retreat and some of the things I learned. In response I got only simple, non-emotional, almost 1-word answers.
This morning I pulled her into a snuggle for a bit and she seemed to relax. I could see however, that after a while she almost looked scared.
I broke away from my DBing a bit and tried to at least open up a discussion. I told her I could see that she was upset and asked what was bothering her (no answer). I asked her what she was frightend of (no answer). Finally she said "I just don't want to talk about it". I asked her what "It" was, and she replied "Us".
I told her that I could tell that something was eating her up from the inside and that It was clear to me that she had not spoken to me (even really about her day or the weather) in more than a month. I said I am frightened that we are going to continue like this, that the stresses of life are going to continue to come up and build and since we aren't talking we are going to continue on down the road getting further and further apart until we are completely separated - and the end we won't even know why. I said I was not angry about it, but felt sad and a little bit frustrated.
She didn't answer say anything in response.
I told her I would leave her alone and left to take a shower. She left for the gym.
I REALLY don't get it!
This was the first time I tried to start an R discussion in more than a month. (with the exception of a 2-sentence talk about possible MC last week, spurred by her questions about my IC). I feel like the only way I could pull back any more would be to go completely dark and ignore her - which would be rude and cold - or to move out of the bedroom, which I really don't want to do.
Any Suggestions?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
