Seperated But Living Together

[stillloveshim]

Well I think you sound great and I agree the more calm you is a better you, and that goes for everyone. From today on, I'm going to be the calmer me. That is a turn on for sure.
I think you need to stay the course EXACTLY how you have been. You're doing a great job.

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks. I think we are both coming along nicely. We are becoming better women all around. It flows into our friendships, our work relationships and our parenting.

Oh one quick thing. Yesterday he asked me how many roses were in the anniversary bouquet he gave me. I said I don't know, let me check, I said maybe 6?? So I went and checked, I said there are 7, I said that's odd, I told him one was a different color, so maybe the girl put it in to make it look different, pretty.

He asked what yr did we get married, I said 2002, he said so it's been how many yrs, I said 7, he said how many roses are there? I said 7, oooooohhhhh. I said how sweet You had bought one for each yr we've been married I said wow you put a lot of thought into them. I told him how thoughful that was of him, and how much I love them, again.

Then I said wow you must have spent a lot of $$ on them, the arrangement is Gorgeous. He said are you worried about that, I said no just curious, but I don't want to know the amount. He said don't worry, to Him they weren't expensive. That was nice. And he has a new Ipod on order for me for as soon as they're back in stock. All of these things make me wonder if the new me is in fact melting his heart a lil'.

If he doesn't want to be with me, why would he buy me an anniversary present? If we are not "together" there wouldn't be an anniversary to celebrate would there? This is confusing to say the least LOL....I'll keep doing my 180's and DBing right along.... Chuga Chuga Choo Choo!! Ride the train of life!

[stillloveshim]

He does want to be with you but just hasn't officially said it yet. Just go on like you have been and do not initiate any relationship talks. He completely knows where home is. It might have just been him talking out of his butt. He didn't want out, he wanted a change.

[stillloveshim]

I do have to let it go. I do have to stop with all the questions. The great news is that I'm tired. I am so tired emotionally that I just can't bother with it anymore. I only talk about the relationship with my girlfriend/roommate because that's about all I can take and she's very supportive of me fighting for the marriage if that's what I chose to do.
Alright.
New day.
No more questions. No more talking about relationships. And 180's only.

[stillloveshim]

How goes it?

[2gthrButApart]

Hey SLH, I was home sick in bed for 2 days w/ the stomach virus. My H took care of me, and made sure he got the girls ready for school. He was up with me the first night, and yesterday morning he was rubbing my lower back for me b/c it was in so much pain.

Last night we all went out to dinner b/c he was leaving today, we had a nice time.

This morning he left for his trip, he gave me a warm kiss on the cheek, which I expected, then he looked at me, and gave me a kiss on the lips. That was great and unexpected, I wished for it, but just figured it wouldn't happen. When he was leaving, I don't know if I should have said this but I did b/c it came from the heart, I said Just so you know I love you and hope you have a safe trip, have fun. He said ok to the stay safe part, but didn't say anything to the I love you part, which I DIDN'T expect him to, but he's getting on a plane and God forbid of anything, I tell my family I love them. No harm done though, we spoke before he boarded and he seemed fine. So...that's where I'm at.

I decided not to send the girls to my moms this wknd, I'm going to take them to see Monsters vs Aliens 3D, the new animated movie, they're excited, it's their 1st 3D movie.

So now I'm basically going to struggle with trying to stay a lil' distant, give him his space while he's over there. Hopefully it'll clear his mind a lil' and he'll miss me LOL. We shall see.

[2gthrButApart]

Things I will do differently this trip:

When he calls I will sound upbeat, ask him if he's having fun, won't complain about ANYTHING (him not calling when he said he'd call, things the girls did, household headaches, work headaches Absolutley No Complaints)

When he's gone on previous trips, I've been a big nagger and complainer when he's called me to say hi. I wait and wait for his call then when I get it I'm a grouchy Bit**. B/c then I feel resentful that he's having a good time and I'm "stuck" here. When he hasn't called me when he said he would my insecurities would kick into high gear and when he'd call I'd accuse him of cheating and ask him if that's why he hasn't called me. Full on Crazy mode. I see now that this has driven him away.

On his last trip he was telling me how much he missed me more than any other times he's gone away, then 3 days after he got back he dropped the bomb. I asked him about everything he was saying while he was gone, and he said it's true he did in fact miss me more than ever but when he got home he realized he was coming back to the same old shi*, and that "this" just isn't for him.

I want him to feel good coming home.

So...
~No calling him 6x a day while he's over there and sending him a million texts.
~No nasty attitude when we do speak
~No nagging if he doesn't call, I'm not his mother, he's on vacation for crying out loud who the he** wants to be "checking in" every few hrs, or nightly.
~Ask him upbeat questions, like how his day went, did he go fishing w/ his dad etc
~Clean the house top to bottom, make it feel like a sanctuary when he gets home
~Help the girls plan a nice Welcome Home event for next sunday, make posters and cook a nice welcoming dinner (like old times)
~When he gets back NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS about his trip, NO ACCUSING, INSECURE questions or comments
~ Keep the house it top shape, and remain cheerful.

He gave a me a goodbye kiss on the lips when he left, let's see where my changes can take us. He's inching towards me, I have to show him I'm for real. I love my H with all of my heart, I don't want any other man, I have to prove my devotion to our marriage by being the wife he married and being the woman I want to be, again.


One of the things he's said when we began having our M problems over a yr ago was that when he goes to see his dad, that's when he finally feels happy. Said he feels free over there. I have to change the nasty, negative person I've become so that our home can help him to feel that safe also. He says he hasn't been unhappy in our M for about 4-5 yrs. That's how long I've been feeling so much hostility built up. I was a SAHM to 2 toddlers back then, and resentment and anger and all sorts of emotions took over my happy positive self.

Lately I've been light, and joking, acting silly, not taking things too seriously and he' been responding differently. We've been getting along great. I'm trying my best to act the way I acted when we first met, even being silly sometimes, and it feels relieving, and I think he missed it. But now it seems like he's a lil' scared, and he has every right to be. He probably thinks I'm different until we get back together then all the bad things will come back. But I can swear with every fiber of my being. If God saves my M and brings me and my H back together I will never take our M, him, or our love and family for granted ever again. I will live every moment like it's our last. I just want my H, my M and my family back again. I don't want any other man in my life but him. I will continue to work on me so he can feel safe enough to come back "home".

[stillloveshim]

Want to know what I think? Ok I'll tell you.

I think your H completely bluffed. I think he just wanted things to change and he decided this was the way to get your attention. Or maybe he really "thought" a divorce is what he wanted because nothing would ever change. Whatever his reasons for saying "I want a divorce", it's all over now.
I see you guys in a reconcilation mode. Maybe I'm wrong, but he is a not a man who wants a divorce. Even if he didn't acknowledge the I love you part. He does love you.

Let him have this trip. Go a little dark at first and then follow his lead. I'm sure he'll be calling you very soon and very often.

When he gets back, keep doing your thing and let him ease back into your new marriage. You've done an amazing job. I'm so proud of you!

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks SLH, I hope you're right. It's scary.

I remember back in Dec I asked him, so are you still moving out after the holidays, and he said he didn't know. Then some how the comment came up that even if he did stay it would be for the girls not for me. And I asked him , so does that mean that our M is definitely over and he gave me such a mean look and said yes it is. (this was before I read DR)

Then I went on with the whole "But I've been changing!" crap. And he said you think you can change for 2 wks and everything will be fine! He said you always change for a few wks and go back to the same crap again. He also said I have to want to change for Me and the girls and not for him.

Back then that's when he was basically sleeping on the edge of the bed for us not to touch, phone calls were only about the girls, TM stopped. Then I kept up with my PMA, and he bought me really nice x-mas gifts, like really went out of his way, and said it feels better to give than to receive. We were still rocky, and on Jan 15th he mentioned the D again, b/c the oven was dirty. Said he's tired of all of this and knows that the best thing for him to do is leave and for us to get a D. I just said OK, b/c I had been reading DR by then. Little did he know I had a surprise party set up for him for the following night, invited a lot of his family and friends over, he gave me such a kiss when I did that. I even invited 2 Very Good friends he hadn't seen in about 6 yrs. That was his biggest surprise ever.

Ever since that day things have been getting slightly better, and a bit more friendly. We are up to 4 kisses on the lips since that time, and hugging me at night instead of hanging off the edge of the bed. And when I hug him at night he scoots really close to me.

When we were having MC, the therapist saw us individually, and said my H doesn't feel appreciated. So I'm working on that w/o trying to persue. It's confusing. A lot of times I play it off thru the girls, but I verbally tell him a lot of times thanks for this or for that, and how much I love and/or appreciate something he did or got or said. I hope we are close to reconciling.

This AM when he left and he gave me the kiss on the cheek, the look he gave me was like "I can't leave to another country with just a kiss on the cheek" like he felt bad doing that, then he gave me a kiss on the lips, it felt really good, but I'm so scared that I'm leading myself on.

[stillloveshim]

I understand, you get excited and boom, they have a freak out of just a backing off for some reason and there's no explanation.

Just keep doing what you are doing and I think things will be ok. I think he wants to be with you but the new you so he's waiting to see how long the changes "stick". But if they are geniune changes, they will be there forever. My Girlfriend/Roommate always asks me "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
Happy. Duh.
And if someone feels unappreciated, it sucks. Do you think it's in his head or does he really have reason to feel that way?
My H definitely was unappreciated