Thank you for the compliments. I just wish the instinct to protect myself and the realization that I could not change what was happening, had made the experience less painful. When I look back over the past year, I am amazed I survived.
What has been especially difficult has been finding that the people who I thought I could depend on turned out to be the least supportive. At the same time however, I have come to appreciate the support of others where I did not expect it.
The lack of understanding or belief of a MLC has also been really frustrating. One friend basically thinks that I was married to an alcoholic philanderer with a gambling problem (investment account) and I somehow failed to see this over a 14 year relationship. Oy.
I don't see an apology ever coming from xh. Even when we were together and happy, he would always try to turn things around or say "but you did _____" rather than just give me a simple apology.
It won't make any difference in my healing. I am still having a hard time when I think about his coldness and complete lack of empathy throughout our separation and I guess what I really want is for him to feel the same pain that I have felt. He hasn't grieved our marriage or the loss of us at all and that really hurts.
I hope this is not too much detail but for the last several years of our marriage (I honestly can't remember when it started) xh appeared to have PE. Intercourse would last 1.5 minutes at the most -- no exaggeration. I made very light of it and most times we would both laugh about it, but it certainly didn't inspire me to initiate sex very often. On the rare occasion that I did actually try to address it, he would say, "I am afraid it is hurting you" (I have endometriosis) or "I thought you weren't into it." Whatever. I could not believe that he was blaming me for this instead of trying to find out if he had a problem.
I asked him in Jan when he finally admitted to the affair, and he said that it doesn't happen anymore. It was still happening when we were together and he was cheating, so why with me and not her? I can only assume that it's because he was drinking when he was with her and that would make a difference or he is lying. If he is lying, I cannot figure out what this woman is motivated by, unless she thought that he had a lot of money.
He just is not good about facing anything. He will avoid any unpleasant conversation or situation. You can actually see him shrink into himself. That makes him sound like such a coward and I don't mean to but it's true. There have been many instances over the years where I felt like I could not depend on him to stand up for me or take care of me.
I've observed in my reading that many notice selfishness in their MLC spouse. Did you notice that he was selfish before, but it became exaggerated or was this a new trait? It must be very hard to be selfish when you have kids. Maybe that is why there are fewer women who have a MLC?
The bear wasn't really that scary for some reason; he was pretty cute and mostly curious. I suppose camping is fun for the kids and something they should experience. What I remember from my very few experiences is that it always seemed like a lot of work. You no sooner finish cooking, eating and cleaning up and you have to do it all over again. And then there is the uncomfortable sleeping. I heard a comedian once say that he did not understand working all year so that you can pretend you're homeless while on vacation. Pretty funny.
