WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

When the kids started to watch their show she was in the den. I went in and massaged her shoulder lightly and thanked her for trying to make me feel better.

CIPA, just in case you do not realize it, this is pursuing. This is neither DBing nor compassion.

My only agenda at that point was to genuinely thank her for helping me when I was battling my stomach virus.

I then said I know how hurt she must have felt and I wish that I didn't make her feel that way. I asked her how she was feeling now.

Again, you are pursuing. You are starting R talk. Stop it!

Now that it's put back in front of me that way, I see how I started a relationship talk. My intention was to understand how she feels now, but I guess that is the heart of the relationship.

I had noticed in our weekly marraige counseling sessions, I seem to dominate the conversation talking about my feelings/thoughts. She would respond/offer her thoughts on my assessment of our situation. My current thinking for the next session is to just ask her what she is feeling now - namely if she feels trapped, perhaps we can talk about why.

I'm open to other thoughts/suggestions. Our counselor usually just starts with asking how are we doing. She would always differ to me. I wanted to try and get her to talk more about how she's feeling, rather than keeping it bottled in.

Or maybe you are angry at yourself for failing to make her stay? Try to listen to your feelings, try to figure out your motivation that is behind your behavior.

You are right, I am angry at myself for failing to make her feel loved and appreciated. I don't know how to let go of that. I've accepted it, but I still fail like a failure. I never meant to hurt her, nor did I realize what was even going on. I didn't know until she told me she filed for divorce. How could I be so stupid/ignorant.

She thinks that by getting away, she may realize what all she is giving up. She did start crying.

That is why I still think she is on the fence, no matter what she does or say.

For your words to God's ears.

I asked her if it would be ok to hug her. She said yes

The way you did it, it is pursuing. Do not ask, just hug her and say "I understand." Period.

I asked her because in the past when she had gotten this upset, when I went to hug her she got angry.

So I guess this brings me back to my earlier question, how do I DB when she moves out?

Or is that the time to go dark?

I hope that answers your questions. You DB by letting her contact you (unless it is something you need to talk to her about the kids, but refrain from any R talk in those situations, unless she starts it). I would not call it dark, maybe dim. You need to stop any kind of pursuing 100%, but I would still respond to her attempts to make contact.

AN

AN - thanks for all the time that you are taking to help me with my situation. Everytime I think I've made the turn, I have a set back/backslide. I know it's people here on this forum is what's allowed me to even make it this far.