Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[Thinker]

I actually interpret "I want to run away" in the present and physical sense -- ie she felt the strong urge to get up from the table and leave and get away from me and escape the whole situation.

Interesting that the friends response was along the lines of "Oh you poor dear!" and "I'm available tomorrow if you need to meet and cry" - very understanding and familiar with at least one version of our situation.

I think the reason she was looking for a movie was that she feared having to sit at a table or in a bar with me, because then she would have to interact with me, and that is exactly what she has been trying so hard not to do recently.

I keep really looking at it closely, and I don't think there is anything in our current interactions that is negative and that she could complain about (except the distance and lack of intimacy, which she is causing herself):

- I am a lot more present than I used to be (I used to focus on a lot of things other than the R). I am a happy person who takes care of myself and who has his own social life (I used to be grumpy and more dependent on her).
- I play with and interact with the kids a lot, and since I am working from home I do a lot of the child care myself (I used to work from an office, work long hours, and travel a lot, so was often not around).
- I do about half of the house work (all of the dishes, about half the laundry and half the decluttering. She does most of the cooking and shopping. A cleaning service does the grunt vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, etc). I used to let her take care of the housework while I was working.
- I am in shape and taking care of myself physically.

In short, I think I have addressed all of the things she vocally complained about - and in reality, I have made the changes for myself and am pretty happy about it.

I do know, however that she is not happy with her life - was not before and is still not. She has been going to IC, but I don't think has been really working at it or addressing anything painful there - so is not really making any core changes. I get this impression from my discussions with the C we both use. He has made comments to me like "one of you has been really working hard at making changes"

To an extent, she may be more MLC than WAW. When we met, she was an optimistic graduate student out to save the world with 2 healthy parents, no responsibilities and no health concerns. Now she has not made any real career progress (has moved with me, and then was a SAHM), has 3 children and a house to take are of , her father has died and her mother is terminally ill, and she now has a strong family history of cancer that points right at her. I think emotionally she is still blaming me and our R for all of this and for her own resultant unhappiness.

But you are right - right now she can't find much to pin it on...

...but at the same time she does not want to deal with me in any way.


Time and Space. Time and Space. Time and Space.




I'm off for the evening and tomorrow at least - going to a 24hour men's retreat with my church. I am really looking forward to that as a chance to get away for myself.