WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[AnotherNightmare]

When the kids started to watch their show she was in the den. I went in and massaged her shoulder lightly and thanked her for trying to make me feel better.

CIPA, just in case you do not realize it, this is pursuing. This is neither DBing nor compassion. You are following your own agenda here. You think by being nice to her you might be able to make her change her mind last minute. Stop that! Do not be nice! Be compassionate! Being compassionate means you have to figure out what she wants, what motivates her when she approaches you. Do not approach her to figure it out!

I then said I know how hurt she must have felt and I wish that I didn't make her feel that way. I asked her how she was feeling now.

Again, you are pursuing. You are starting R talk. Stop it!

She realizes now how being confronted with the person who hurt her so bad everyday is not helping the situation.

Do you get the message? She does recognize some behavioral changes in you, but she does not recognize the new you yet. She still sees the old you. I see a lot of the old you as well. You said you have read half way through "Love without Hurt". Are you in touch with your core values when you approach her? Or do you still feel some anger, because you are upset about her moving out? Or maybe you are angry at yourself for failing to make her stay? Try to listen to your feelings, try to figure out your motivation that is behind your behavior.

She thinks that by getting away, she may realize what all she is giving up. She did start crying.

That is why I still think she is on the fence, no matter what she does or say.

I asked her if it would be ok to hug her. She said yes

The way you did it, it is pursuing. Do not ask, just hug her and say "I understand." Period.

She came in to appologize for talking so much when I was sick. I told her that was ok and thanked her again for helping when I was sick

After all the criticism, I have to commend you for this. You know how to do it. Just try to be more consistent. Do not start any R talk. That includes anything about the custody issue. Let her start it, and then be as compassionate as you can dropping your own objectives and focusing on what she says.

So I guess this brings me back to my earlier question, how do I DB when she moves out?

Or is that the time to go dark?

I hope that answers your questions. You DB by letting her contact you (unless it is something you need to talk to her about the kids, but refrain from any R talk in those situations, unless she starts it). I would not call it dark, maybe dim. You need to stop any kind of pursuing 100%, but I would still respond to her attempts to make contact.

AN

[confusedinpa]

I know it's the right thing to just "man up" and let her go. It is hard for me to fully accept as I don't believe that she is even considering the possibility of coming back. I know I'm not a mind reader nor should I be trying to guess what she is thinking.

She did tell me last nite that she had talked to my mom last weekend when I was in CT with the boys. Apparently my mom has been calling her everytday to give me another chance. Not sure if that is really helping or not.

Guess the bottom line I need to realize what's been pointed out to me, she doesn't see a life with me. I need to give her a reason to want to see a life with me. I've been making my changes. I guess I don't see how her not beeing around will make it possible for her to find a reason to see a life with me. So confusing.

When she brought up moving out on Monday, I asked did she think she would ever come back. She just answered - I want a divorce, what do you think. She gave no indication/sign of even considering the coming back. Last nite, she said, perhaps just to make me feel better, who knows, that she thinks being away from having the "negativity" right in front of her all the time may make her realize all that she is giving up. When I asked what "negativity" she said it was me.

I guess this could be the final stretch to make sure I show her my best 180. It is a little tough while I'm battling a stomach bug.

A positive is that she does say she wants to have a 50/50 custody agreement. Her original proposal was to have the kids move back and forth every 2 days. When I said that didn't offer much stability for the kids, she then said every 3 days. I'm going to suggest she can have them Mon night through Thurs night and I'll take then Fri night through Sun night. My thought process to that would be that since she's in an apartment and I'm in the house with the yard and all the toys, it makes more sense to have the kids in the house on the weekends. She'll have them for 1 more day/week than I will, but I'll ask for extra days throughout the year to get to 50/50

We'll see how that goes.