WAW1

[markhaving probs]

Hi J,

I will be thinking of you during your time away, and I hope you gain some peace.

Thank you for the post, I do tend to have a negative outlook on things so I will continue to work on my PMA. The blowups were getting less and less, but I kept imploding because of my persuing acts. Because I feel I have pushed her beyond the brink, I have to drop the rope for my own integrity. She clearly has no respect for me as she buys items for the house without my imput. When I did ask her she what she has bought as a matter of interest, she tells me it has nothing to do with me as the house will not be mine in a few months.

Thank you for the job interest. Take care, Mark

[markhaving probs]

Yes it does. I just need a few seconds to assimilate what she is telling me before I respond. I have a tendancy to respond without engaging brain when challenged. Also, my wife has a fantastic memory that she can call on to recall a conversation we may have had weeks ago.

[JCJ]

Also, my wife has a fantastic memory that she can call on to recall a conversation we may have had weeks ago.

Yup, it's called being a woman I can quote from years ago if needs be!

[markhaving probs]

I received a nice text this morning from my wife as she stayed at her parents house last night wishing a nice last day at work, also asking me what time I will be home so that she can arrange dinner.

After the huge row we had earlier in the week, it seems so strange that she now sends such a nice text. I am reading NOTHING into this other than is this the rollercoaster ride I am on?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good -- you shouldn't.

[markhaving probs]

Guys,

The job finished on Friday and I am actively looking for a new role. This has been one of my wife's gripes as she has always said I should have sorted my career out 10 years ago. I am an IT analyst contractor, so when I am working the money is good. When I am between contracts it is worrying patricularly with the current market. I, like all fathers have a duty to provide the best you can for your family. My wife has worked hard, but she always complains her friends do not work and I should have done better. These comments hurt as apart from our mortgage, the credit card bill are always paid in full, all bills are paid on time, we own both our cards and we have a little savings. I think we are doing quite considering the circumstances, but she still complains she does too much. I always thought as a couple you are a team that work together, but she feels I have never communicated to her properly over what I earn etc. We had a huge row yesterday because I was doing some carpentry work in the house that I had not told her I was doing. She accused me of not communicating to her what I was going to do, I was livid that the work I am doing will make no difference to me because I will not be in the house soon. She said her father was going to do that bit of work I had started. I felt really angry and upset that the work I am doing is just not being appreciated, in fact I get shouted at. I acknowledged her reasons and went to do something else. I am starting to come close to losing my temper as it is not in my nature to be so calm under so much pressure but I need to try and rise above it. she also asked me to speak to my friend who is letting me borrow his house for three months, she then said "what do you think will happen, I will ask you to come back after six weeks?" I do not know where this came from, she just seemed to be rambling. I returned home at 1030 from a night out on Saturday, when I told her I would be back around midnight. Because I returned early she went mad and said I had not given her the space she wanted, and I always want to be at home as much as possible now, where in the past I was never there, which is just not true.

This morning I told her what I was going to do - I had some advertisments made up to advertise my services, put an ad in the local paper and generally try to find some extra work. She said to me "why didn't you do this ten years ago, why do it now when it dosen't matter?". She was agitated that I am going to be the catalyst to get work rather than waiting for it to come to me. I said it is a part of the wake up call I got, but as far as we were concerned it was too late so I am doing things I feel I should have done before, but I realise I need to do them now.

What should I read into her and the way she is acting??

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What should I read into her and the way she is acting??

Nothing, other than she's an entitled, fogged-out wayward wife, acting according to script (with a little extra disrespect thrown in, I suspect because she thinks she can).

Methinks you married a bit of a Princess.

Puppy

[markhaving probs]

My wife has asked me to take the children home on Good Friday while she is house-sitting. I am suspicious shw wants me to do this as she says her girl friend is staying with her overnight. This may well be true but I do not want to ask her friend as it obviously get back to her and this is back to me pursuing. I have been asked to have a meal on the same night with my friends which means the children would have to stay with my wife on the Friday night. When I told my wife this she said "Oh, that is typical of you, you do not see the children for a week and then you want to go off for a meal with friends....typical...selfish as usual". This is one thing that has been a problem in our marriage and if I did go off for a meal it would be construed as more of the same.

I know I should stop thinking of what my wife thinks and do what is best for me and the children, but on the other hand I either please myself and go for a meal (selfish), or take the children home with me (pandering, non-assertive), but would be seen as a 180. Also, if I did take the children it would allow her to have the house to herself and her 'girlfriend'.

On another situation she also now wants to take turns sleeping in the marital bed, every two nights is the suggestion.
What is the best thing to do?

[markhaving probs]

My wife and I had a discusssion this morning. She re-iterated she did not love me anymore in the way a wife should, but she sort of still loved me. Over the last ten weeks things have deteriorated in that my wife then would have been quite happy to have accompanied me to dinner dances or to a function, hell, she even suggested we could take family holidays together, we even used to kiss goodnight. Unfortunately, because of things that have been said, some silly lies I have told and so-called 'other things' my wife has found out about (these are not big lies, just I told her I was working, but I was playing golf), she feels the trust, lack of communication and respect has gone and so is the love. She re-iterated there is no-one else, but I would expect her to say that anyway.

I am moving out in two weeks for 3 months, I am then moving back to the house for another 2.5 months where she is moving with the children to her parents house. In this time she said I could try and find rental accomodation until the end of November when the finance is sorted out. She blames me totally for the sitch and says she requires un-conditional love and respect.

I am now at my wits end because no DR'ing has worked for me as she is so focused on divorce, I have never seen her this determined, she has not wavered at all. My question is - is there anything I can do to try and turn this around, or do I have to acknowledge it is over? I desperately want to reconcile, and any strategies I try when I am away cannot include going dark as she cites no communication and neglect as two of the reasons we are divorcing.

PLEASE PLEASE help

[Can it work]

Hey Mark

Sorry to hear you are still struggling. I know it seems like an uphill struggle at the moment but I really think you have to stop being so negative. Try to find positives no matter how small they may seem. You said your wife told you the she still sort of loved you? That's a good thing. That means there's something there as a base to improve on. It won't be easy but it is going to be possible. I still have hopes for my marriage and my wife has never said anything that positive to me. All I got was the 'I don't love you any more' bit.

It's not fair that she's blaming you totally for the sitch. Yes you played your part but you're trying to salvage it now. I think your wife will be seeing your improvements too no matter how much she denies it.

You also seem far too impatient right now. After only dropping the bomb in December I'd be very surprised if you'd managed to turn things around already. You often speak about acknowledging or accepting that your marriage is over. You need to stop thinking that. Your marriage is still a long way from over. You've only been on this site for a few weeks. Give it some time to get more strategies in place and try different things. You can't just give up if you fall at the first hurdle.

I know money's tight right now since your contract has come to an end but you really need to think about getting a DB coach when you can afford it. They are professional counsellors who are very pro-marriage. If you need somebody to give you direction and ideas then they are who you should ideally contact.

You know the opinion of everyone on here about you moving out. We pretty much all see it as a bad idea. When you say that your wife is telling you to look for rental accommodation when you move back in to your house, it sounds to me as though you are still letting her push you around. Don't keep letting her dictate how this is going to go. You have a say in your life, your home, and the lives of your children. Stand up and make yourself heard. She requires unconditional love and respect? Damn it man, you need to demand the same thing from her! You are not a doormat.

Please don't be hasty in anything. If there's one thing I've learned from DBing, it's that nothing happens quickly. Try to find some patience within yourself and stop being so defeatest all the time. Tell yourself that you can make this work. And if possible, get yourself a DB coach. You will feel better after speaking to one.

Good luck.

Kev