Walk Away German Wife (WAGW)

[PortlandDad]

KK:

Thanks for the link. I knew I had to do parenting classes, so this definitely helps.

I think I am pretty much beyond the LRT. I am willing to go through with the D if this doesn't jar something loose, but it won't be easy. The real question is will she be able to go through with it? The kids were/are her life and the tentative agreement is that she is giving them to me. She won't have a place in their lives at all, outside of a 4 week vacation every year.

She loves kids! She has had a hysterectomy, so she won't be having any more biological kids of her own, and grand-kids will likely be in the cards in a few years, and she will not be in that scene either. I really hope this is the wake-up call she needs.

[smith18]

Well, my "spies" report a flurry of activity today on her part. Seems she is looking up child custody laws and support groups and such.

Wait until she punches in the numbers for this child support calculator:

http://www.dcs.state.or.us/calculator/effective/

Then she may try to fight for more custody. She really has put herself in a bad situation by leaving her children and moving to another country. If she trys to fight for custody in the court, she has a snowballs chance in hell.

[jaguilar]

I can't see a judge giving her custody after she left the country. Aren't the kids old enough now to decide if they want to sty or go. I would think that after being in this forum for quite some time, the kids wouldn't want to go.

[PortlandDad]

Nope, there is no way on earth she is going to get custody, that is pretty much a given. She could make an issue for more visitation time, but that is about the only thing she can really push for under the circumstances. The kids are adamant that they do not want to go to Germany, and they are old enough to have a say in where they want to live, and what language they want to speak.

I'm going to chalk it up to just getting better informed of the law and what is going to happen should the divorce go through. Of course, she is now out getting consoled by her friends... I told the kids about what is happening and they took it pretty well considering. My S17 and D12 tell me I should just expedite the divorce (waive the 90 day waiting period) and move on. My S13 says I should definitely take the 90 days to give her more time to "snap out of it". I'm not sure what I'll do, actually.

[Phoenixdeux]

PD,

You are in the enviable position of not having to do anything. You already have everything that a divorce would give you. So why even worry about pushing it through? Just live your life with the understanding that you will probably divorce. It's not as though you are looking for the next Mrs. Portland right now anyway, so there is no hurry. Just live your life.

[jaguilar]

Phoenix,

I hear what you are saying, it makes a lot of sense. PD has the upper hand in this situation. It's hard because in the back of our minds, there is this sliver of hope.

But you make an excellent point.

[jaguilar]

How was your day PD?

[PortlandDad]

Hey Jag,
Today was a good day. Pheonix does make an excellent point, and one that I hadn't really considered. At this point, the only difference between living the way I am and being divorced are the legal entanglements. Being separated and having my kids and finances secure is the next-best-thing to being divorced. There really isn't any reason or need to push things at all. I guess I was hoping to jar something loose by pressing her for the D now, but she caved, so now I either follow through with sending her papers, or I cave, too.

Actually, I may just cave anyway. I talked to my MIL today. It seems that my W was up almost all night talking to her last night and crying. She doesn't want a D at all, and only agreed because she didn't want a fight. On top of it, she went to the doctor today. She has a fatty growth on her leg that the doctor feels could be cancerous and that has been causing her a lot of pain lately (not surprisingly it is at the site of her old herniated muscle). The doctor thinks that it has been exacerbated by her being on her feet all day for her nursing school. He recommends an ultrasound and excision, which would put her off her feet for a few days, and given that it took her a year to recover the last time from leg surgery, she will likely need to quit school.

On top of it, she has no insurance and is not covered under the german medical system because she in a US citizen, so she will have to pay the entire cost of the operation herself. I think she can get some reimbursement from our american insurance, but she will have to front the mone, and even then I think she hasn't met her deductable and the coverage for out-of-network is only 50%.

I also had the sad duty of informing her that her American Express bill came yesterday ($1750) and asked her how I should get the bill to her. This, of course, was before I learned of her medical condition.

In a word, she is screwed. I am trying hard not to feel a sense of schadenfreude about this, but it seems that this might be the turn-of-events that gets her to the bargaining table about coming home.

I am debating sticking to the hard-line approach of wanting the D, seeing as how this 180 seems to have brought her back to reality a little, but I am afraid that if I continue to push this tack that it may backfire. My instinct is to be compassionate and just drop the whole D talk, but if that is what propelled her to her current epiphany, then backing off would be a significant backslide.

For the first time in a long time, I am daring to be hopeful.

[Phoenixdeux]

She has a fatty growth on her leg that the doctor feels could be cancerous

Doubtful. It's either a benign lipoma, or he's feeling the herniated muscle. The ultrasound should clarify that.

[PortlandDad]

I doubt it's cancerous either. I'm getting the info 2nd hand, and I'm sure my W is overstating what the DR told her. Still, if it isn't just a ploy to get sympathy (which I haven't completely ruled out) then it is an opportunity to score some "schatz" points with her, and maybe be the igniter for bringing her back.

In fact, I'm almost positive it isn't as bad as she is making it out to be to my MIL. She has always had a tendency to turn molehills into mountains. I'm thinking more along the lines of she is probably not liking her nursing school, or reality is starting to intrude into her fantasy and she is grasping for something that will allow her to extricate with some dignity. The medical condition may just be her digression.

But I wouldn't want to over-think it because I am DB'ing here!