Divorce looming #6

[jaguilar]

Don't tell her you submitted an ap for the BA position. She's not a hring mgr. Even if she is the popular, a good mgmt team doesn't share information to their employess as to who has applied for certain jobs.

If you call and can't get ahold of the kids, just leave a message for them. Sound uypbeat and positive, "Hey kids it's dad. Just wanted to see how your day went. Call when you love you dad."

Unfortunately, its a game she is playing and she knows she can get under your skin. Don't let her bait you into the trap. Keep doing what your doing.

You decide when you want to leave Saturday or Sunday.

[K4D]

Where has 25yearsmlc been? She hasn't been on in a couple days. I haven't seen JD on either. maybe its springbreak or something.

Kevin

[K4D]

I am sticking to the plan jaguilar. W was on videochat when it first came on only for a second. Then she left and I talked to the kids.

Kevin

[jaguilar]

With all the studying you've been doing, don't forget to pack.

[K4D]

I won't.

Kevin

[K4D]

I just talked to a friend of mine that I used to work with at my last job. She said that there are 135 applicants for my previous position.

Thats not good. Makes me wonder if I will be able to get a job when I go back.

She says don't count on the position that the agency submitted me for where my W works. She says she is pretty sure that my W will sabotage it so I don't get in there.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

"Found out" no coverage for the kids.... And of course the person I talked to didn't notate our conversation. So now we have this nice big bill to pay.

So I suggested to W why don't I come home, stay in another room, we use the money alloted that I have been using to start paying off the debt and I get a job and move out.

Of course she said no. She can't. UGG!!!

I just want to tell her that I live there to and have a right to come home and get a job. But she is fighting me tooth and nail on this. Why is that such an issue?

UGGGGGGGGGG.

Kevin [/quote]


Except you don't live there; you left. In a way, you fled. Things just "happen" to you; never your fault. Losing insurance on your kids "apparently" were you terminated or not? This is the first I've heard that word .... But then you blamed the insurance company for YOU not taking the NAME of the person you spoke to yourself, forcing the choices all on the insurance company. And you put so much of the present decision making on your wife, even with your constant revisions and change of plans... so you can just be a victim, and then complain about how your wife sees you as needy or weak...if you don't want to be seen as a piece of furniture that needs to be moved around, then move on your own and stand your ground somewhere.

Good grief Kev. Take charge of your life. So now you have what as a "plan du jour"? A job lead, in the very town you left 2 or 3 weeks ago....okay...

You know, I don't really buy that this is all about the kids. I wish I did. But I don't. You have an obsession and a control issue and a wife who has found someone else, and handled herself poorly too. You are running in fear from one "plan" to another....so much fear and worry and self absorbed distractions...the word "hysterical" almost comes to mind and if you were a woman I think we'd be using that word.

But in almost every turn, you've made an impulsive needy choice based on how YOU feel at that moment. If your kids welfare were really the priority, you would not have fled Dallas in the first place, for "training" you could do anywhere, OR you'd have taken the better job in the first place, (instead of fobbing it off on your wife and then blaming her for "only caring about money" when all we really know is that your behavior turned her off...and were you putting the kids first when you turned that job down? You can't say the job would have been bad for the family despite the increased pay....b/c you pushed your wife towards it. You turned down the chance to provide better, NOT b/c of the demands on family but b/e you didn't want the hassles/extra work and responsibilities that come with those jobs, but you were fine with your wife taking them on.... and you left the job in Dallas ( or lost the job b/c as you said, you "couldn't handle" it....handle what? That she works there too? Sounds like pride to me. I can see wanting to leave, but not without a damn plan!! You have little kids counting on you so your "discomfort" is just too bad sometimes...

You know, my h and I were both in the Army during Desert Storm and the Gulf War and you know what? I was "NOT COMFORTABLE" either...it SUCKED and I was afraid to go over there and it was damn STRESSFUL....but we both handled it. He did his thing in the operating room and I went to court and did trials and got deployed...and lived to tell about it. My kids barely recall it, except our son.

It's Time to just suck it up Kevin. Seriously past due. So maybe you lost the job you had, truth be told. Okay, fine. TOO BAD, but why on earth didn't you just look THEN and THERE for another? That would have been putting the kids first. Finishing the "training" SOMEWHERE NOW would be putting the kids first. Getting a job and not freaking out during an interview would be for the kids. And btw, your wife would be insane to hurt your interview chances so don't assume she'll sabatage you since it's in HER interests and the kids to help you, TO A POINT....but please stop showing her all the needs you have overflowing...and they are unfillable needs that would overwhelm any woman.


Looking back on so many of these choices Kev, I'm left with this: it is NOT about your kids, or being with them or doing right by them or providing for them....it is ALL about your bucket of needs and the immediate "NOWness" of filling those needs, however conflicting and however changing... and however deep the bucket, and maybe there's a hole in the bucket b/c you just have too much of a void that YOU decided only she can fill and there's some real masochism there..and YOUR MANY CONSTANT FEARS....driving you in circles...


For me, none of this really has to do with your wife. Honestly, I'm staring at your behavior b/c I don't know your wife. Just going by your own words, I find plenty to worry about with you. I'm sorry you got so hurt finding the things your wife wrote and said to you, I really am.

But I have to wonder if you've been sleep walking in this marriage for a long time.

So much wasted....time and opportunity....on your end. Maybe this experience will wake you up and you'll start taking charge of your life. You are far from being there as evinced by your inability to stay with a SINGLE course of action for 2 weeks. But who knows? Maybe someday you'll stop blaming others for how sucky your life is, and you'll realize how much your kids are learning from you.

And maybe they will come to matter more than the pain you feel or the discomfort you go through temporarily. Maybe you'll learn to delay your gratification. I read somewhere that one thing that distinguishes adults from adolescents is the ability to delay gratificatioin; to take the big picture of things, sacrifice the now for the later....so maybe that will happen to you someday.

But frankly, I think a lot of us are missing the big picture when we yap about what you should tell your wife when she says "X" or "Y"....I think the big picture is that you are in a man's body making the choices of a teenage boy. And whining about it. You need to take charge of your life. Period. Stop going in circles freaking out, losing jobs, blowing interviews, being unable to talk to your daughters b/c you wonder where your wife is or how she looks or whether she'll approve of something you said/thought/wore/did/plan.....oh my. What an image for the kids.

Kev, you have a dad. You have male friends. Ask them whatever it is you need to ask. Read whatever books on being a man, that help you. I"'m not a man. I can't tell you. "WIld at Heart" (?) by John Eldridge I heard was great and began reading it so I could understand my h's need to be on the frontiers of the tundra conquering his environment, or whatever.

But being a loving dad/mom means sacrificing. All this talk of how selfish your wife is...sure, there's some real truth to it. But look in the mirror too. Your choices don't look too noble from where I'm sitting. And it has been awhile, not just recently. You leave out details Kev...and it makes it a lot harder to help you. If you were terminated from your old job, it was not b/c of your wife. They would fire HER if it were all about the M and the D....no Kev, something happened and you do NOT have to tell us. But I get the feeling you freaked and you seem unable to get c for YOU to learn how not to freak. Surely you know how to compartmentalize. We all do it, but men do it a lot.

I swear I hope and wish the best for you. But you need to make some deep, REAL (that means LASTING) changes Kev...not for her or getting her back but for you to live a good life with clarity and intent....seriously, isn't that obvious?

Good luck,

((( j )))

[volleydog]

Yeah, I'm just kind of wondering if I should let her know I have submitted for one of the BA positions there because it would help me get going and it would help us move to Jacksonville FL where she eventually wants to move to in the next couple of years if things don't work out with OM.

If I don't tell her and she finds out which she will, oh man, she is going to be livid. But if I do tell her, I wonder if she will try and sabotage it. She is quite the popular one there. She knows everyone there. Heck, that is where she met OM at before he was fired.

Just trying to decide if it is better for her to know and explain how it helps us towards her goals or if it is better for her not to know and I just show up and she freaks out.

If I don't tell her and I get the interview and she sees me walking by to interview with no prior knowledge, I wonder what she will do.

Great post 25...

My gosh Kevin did you read this post about the job. It's all about HER what she MIGHT do...Until you get to the point where it's about you and what is best for you and your kids you're going nowhere. I know it's hard we ALL know it's hard if it was easy there would be no need for a place like this. Nothing you are doing now is helping your kids, you, or your M you need to see that and understand that.

Give me an honest answer...IF you get offered this job and your wife throws a fit says the meanest things she's ever said to you would you turn down the job, I lean towards you would.