Letting go and taking a left off last laugh lane

[AliSuddenly]

Well what is it you want from him?

Like on 1.. do you want him to settle this loan, and take out another in a bank account in his name only, or, just move the direct debit to HIS own account, or, see evidence that he has set up a DD to transfer the right amount into that account each month, before the loan repayment comes out? And how long is left to run? If its 60 month loan for example, tahts 5 years!! And you dont want to be financially tied to him for that long.

As for 2.. do yuo want to ask him for ow's address, so you can get the ball rolling on the paperwork for the D? (amazing to see you write the words you "want" a D now, thats huge Julia, that you have got to that stage of acceptance, good for you)? I do think you should tell him you intend to D him.. if only to see the look on his face! Yeah, maybe it will ruin your evening, but then, sometimes, you cant just keep DBing expecting a different result, when all that keeps happening is more of the same? So maybe telling him you feel you may as well go ahead and proceed with a D could be a real 180!

Its also an interesting day for it.. tehres a whole mercury/mars/chiron/neptune/ pluto thing going on tommorow!!! Have you been reading Priya Kales website?(sorry, cant reemember, some people here do).

As for outfits.. you sure you havent got anything?? What about those skinny black jeans and a summery top?? Its getting warmer now...and you'll be sat down anyway! I'm just glad he agreed to meet you (he did then?)

Al xx

[mishka422]

I am in full agreement with Ali.

1)Tell him the debit for the loan must be drawn off his own account and that you are closing the joint account (or taking your name off of it - whatever the case may be)

2)He needs to hear this, and frankly, you need to say it out loud, to him. Do it Julia. You know you have the control over how this situation affects you and this has to be put on the table between you.

3)Outfits? Yeah, what about those skinny jeans? Or, didn't you have a really fab skirt/boots ensemble that you felt especially confident in? I can't remember if that was you or Lisa. You're both so drop dead georgeous that I mix up who had what wonderful outfit.

Most importantly Julia, be you and be true to yourself. IMO, there is no reason to hold back now. DBing is all well and good if you truly want to restore your M. If you are done, you're done. All that is important is dignity and respect. Don't hide yourself behind the DB tactics anymore.

[AliSuddenly]

Here, read this blog for the lowdown on the historic day that is Thursday !

Julie Demboski

Al x

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Julia, I agree with Ali & Mishka. Don't know what more I could add. I wouldn't worry about discussing the house & division, that will come in time. Although, if you seem comfortable, maybe you should ask him to pick up his things. But really, just focus on that dam loan he took out. If you feel comfortable about talking about D - I would. If not in the restaurant, then outside when you leave. It will give him much to think of. If you don't like how your M is then D needs to be brought up. Remember this is your life. Good luck!!

[JCJ]

(((Ali, Mishka, Ms M)))

Thank you for your advice I have taken it on board. I practiced saying the things I wanted to say a few times too. I feel anxious today although I did find something to wear. I am wearing the skinny black jeans and a top which makes my boobs look great! - subtle but sexy. Also some heals - hope I don't fall over. The weather is terrible for hair today, total frizz factor!

Sigh, roll on 5.30. It is horrible having these after work meetings. I get nothing done during the day!

[mishka422]

So, 2 more hours. Sorry the weather isn't cooperating with your hair - I hate that! It's raining cats and dogs here today and I'm hoping my hair won't end up standing up on end with the lightning.

Be confident! Be open! Most of all, say what you want to say - don't hold back. You have nothing to lose.

[Kalni]

Good Luck, dont worry, you will be fine...
xxx
K

[AliSuddenly]

Good luck Julia, I am sure you look gorgeous and men dont notice frizzy hair, trust me (unless its like something out of the musical Hair, but I am sure it isnt that bad !). Hope it goes how you want it to....Oh and try not to be overly defensive, just relax, be yourself, dont let him 'get to you', I know, easier said than done !

Al xxx

[JCJ]

Phew, wow, well I feel quite exhausted but I wanted to post while it was still fresh, for me also so I don't forget!

We met in the restaurant and luckily had a very private table. He was very open and friendly and I wasn't quite sure how to bring about the business part and felt nervous doing so but took the bull by the horns.

I explained that I'd been looking over the bank accounts as it was probably time we split them now and I'd noticed £2000 had left the account and then had gone back in again. He said nothing. So I said 'so I phoned the bank and they said it was a loan', he looked sheepish and said 'yeah, that's mine'. Clearly he felt uncomfortable and didn't want to elaborate so I said 'well the strange thing is that the repayments had been coming out of our account'. And he looked puzzled and said 'oh, I told the bank that it shouldn't and gave them my account number but they must have defaulted to our account'. I said 'ok, well I'm presently redirecting the direct debits and have a form here to remove my name from the account so when they are transferred I will remove the funds in there and the account is all yours'. He was absolutely fine with that and signed the forms.

The next thing I had was a conflict of interest letter from the solicitor. Because they had previously represented both of us they needed him to sign to say that he was happy that they should solely represent me. I thought this was quite a good introduction to the D topic.

He was happy enough to sign it (all this stuff was very light hearted and not heavy like I imagined). And seemed at ease with the idea of divorce. I said, 'do you mind briefly if we talk about divorce' and he said 'no'. So I said 'well, I have looked into it and there are two routes to go down, unreasonable behaviour which I am not keen on because it can get quite messy or adultery'. He looked a bit shocked and said 'well, I suppose as we are still married I am committing adultery'. Then went onto say something implying the adultery was recent. I didn't say anything and just looked down. He then said 'you do know it was recent don't you, that wasn't the reason we split'. And I said 'No, I didn't know because we have never talked about reasons'. He said 'do you want to talk about it because I don't want you to think that I cheated on you before I left you, even when we were still seeing each other afterwards I didn't. I would never do that to you, it happened much later on'. I said 'I have about a million questions I want to ask but I know that asking them is not necessarily the right thing for me or you and I know you feel really uncomfortable talking about it'. He said 'I have thought so much about why I left that summer, I still do I think about you a lot still now'. And I said 'I thought that you didn't ever think about me, in fact that was one of the most hurtful things was that you told me that you never thought about me'. He asked when he'd said that and I reminded him. He looked at me fully in the face and said 'I don't remember saying that and I don't know why I said that because it wasn't and isn't true. I'm really sorry for all the hurt and pain and torment I put you through.' he said 'if I am honest I still do not know why I left that summer, I don't know what was happening in my head'. I said 'I do understand H, I'm not angry'.

Then I can't remember how this came about but I said, 'we are going to have to deal with some unpleasant things over the next few months but I would really like it if we could be friends'. He looked unbelievably relieved and said 'so would I'. Then we held hands, he said 'we get on so well' and then something about how we complemented each other in terms of friendship. I said 'you were my best friend for 6 years and I miss that'. He looked really happy and said 'so do I'. Then I got up and went around the table to hug him (it felt right to do this), he didn't move or turn and I thought 'shall I, shan't I, sod it!' and put my arms around him. He hugged me back so hard, it was like relief flowed through us both and we hugged for about a minute (argh I couldn't help it I kissed the back of his head! he smelt so lovely!!) but it didn't matter. We were both crying.

Then I sat down and he changed the subject and started talking about light things and we chatted throughout the meal about life, jobs and stuff. When it was time to leave I initiated it and we walked out. He paid for the meal - a first, and when we got to the bus stop his bus was there but he didn't run as he usually would. He said, 'don't worry I can get the next one'. I asked him if he wouldn't mind posting a parcel as he was going back to the office and he took it. The bus was still there so I said, 'go on run' and he gave me a massive hug goodbye and got on the bus waving as he went.

He did ask what the next steps in the D would be at the end of the meal. He obviously wants this to go ahead and also the sale of the house. That's ok; I will do it in my own time. I need to digest this a little. I'm so pleased we could talk and we had the conversation we did. I didn't need to know anymore details than that. I just feel that I have worked so hard to get where I am and I am so pleased and I feel a big relief. Patience has worked.

[mishka422]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so proud of you Julia. You got everything out there that you needed to for practical reasons which led to more revelation and communication than ever before. Wonderful.

Such a relief.

I have nothing helpful to say, but I want you to know that I will be lurking around here to hear what is going on with you.