Week one of my new life

[tpaschal]

Miss H,

Is it bitterness? I don't think so, but I admit I don't know for sure. I just know that I feel the same way a lot of the time.

We have to learn how to cope and deal with an incredibly difficult and sad and painful situation, and it's hard, and it takes time. If you are still stuck in the same place in another 2 years from now, then yeah, I might use the word bitter. But not yet. And to avoid getting stuck in that place, seeing a counselor is an excellent idea.


For myself, I feel pity for my xh, and have realized that he was made of much weaker stuff (character, values, morals) than I thought he was. That is unattractive to me, and I'm not sure I would want a relationship with him again, even if/when he ever "comes out of the tunnel." On some days I feel I have truly detached.

But on some days, I am still deeply hurt and angry. Very angry. And it makes me so frustrated that he and the bimbOW continue to get away with living their happy happy joy joy life, with seemingly no consequences for their deceit and the pain they have caused me, the kids, H's parents, our old friends, etc.

I know I need to stop dwelling on that and focus on me and the kids and not on x's choices. I am working on that, and working on forgiveness, but it takes time. It is a "one day at a time" ongoing process.

But it is hard in light of his continued selfish, immature behavior. My xH is also on a major power trip right now, and seems to get off on controlling me and the kids---in regards to selling the house, D15's plans with friends, S10's extracurricular activities...anything and everything he can stick his nose into.

When they are with him he threatens the kids that if they aren't nice to the bimbOW he will spank them, take away their toys, their cell phones, will sell D15's elderly pet horse, etc. He forces them to spend time with her even when S10 politely and feelingly told his dad that still felt uncomfortable around bimbOW, missed spending time with just the two of them, and asked if they could have some exclusive "dad and kids time." (S10 told me about it later. xH just told him "That's not up to you, so you better get used to it." <sigh>) They barely know her, and he wants to force them into being immediate best friends with her! Doesn't he get it that will just backfire on him? Why, oh why, can't he take into consideration what they are feeling and thinking and even verbalizing? (And why do I still waste my time asking questions like that??? <another sigh>)

So, yeh, I get what you're going through. I can't take my xh back to court over anything he's doing, and it probably would only backfire anyway, but like you, I struggle with how to react when I hear some of the things the kids are telling me about what happens at his place.

Do I say anything to him? How do I advise the kids on how to handle it? (Sometimes I want to tell them to punch 'em both in the nose!) LOL!

But I don't think that means we're bitter women, either one of us. We are the Momma Bears! Momma Bears protect their children, and when we see our kids hurting, or see things that could potentially cause harm to our kids (psychological and emotional harm, not just physical)we want to make it stop! And when we can't do anything to fix it or make it better, we get frustrated and angry! I think that's normal, and I don't think it has anything to do with bitterness.

So don't beat yourself up. You are doing an amazing job of being a single mom. It's just a very steep learning curve.

{{{Hugs to you.}}}