WOM, You have to listen to what she is saying. You are pursuing and that will only push her further away - as evidenced by her behavior after you keep pushing for a talk on communication. She expects you to read her mind and know when she needs help - this is immature, but, and this is a big but, you have to jump in and help even if she doesn't ask. Take a bigger role in taking care of the kids.
And leave her alone. Drop all attempts as trying to talk about anything but household/kid stuff. If she brings up a conversation then go with it - other than that, stop, think, keep your mouth shut.
Your gut is all about fixing the R. So when she gets pissed, your gut tells you to fix what you just damaged (by bringing up the communication 'talk' over and over). If you go in to apologize you're just restarting the loop. So leave it alone.
Don't follow your gut right now. Follow the advice you're being given here and follow your HEAD.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
My advice is to reread everything that everyone has written to you that has tried to help you, and then actually follow through with this advice. If you do not, there is no reason to come back on here.
Be a f'ing man and shut yourself down, all this screaming of lack of communication is driving me away from you as well.
I concur with everything that has been said before. When you are with her, drop your own agenda, your own objectives, completely ban these things from your mind. Every time you bring them up, she will get pi$$ed, and rightfully so, because you ignore or attack what she says and put the focus on your own problems.
Whatever she says, your standard way of responding should be "I understand (you can add whatever makes sense, e.g. that you feel hurt). How can I help you? What can I do for you?" Try to connect with her, so she gets the feeling you care about what she thinks. You do not have to agree with it, but this is not the time to argue or to resolve conflict. This is the time to help her feel safe, help her feel understood and respected.
The most important part about communication is LISTENING. So listen to her and make sure she realizes you are listening.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Ok people I have read through it all a few times now.
I know you all are getting frustrated with me, and I see why.
As puppy put it I need to go dim, so that's what I will do.
As I said the other day, she told me that she wanted to move into the extra bedroom. She said she wants all my stuff out of there so that she can create a space for herself. Tomorrow she will be setting it up they way she wants with the help of her mother, the most negative bad seed man hater i have ever met.
Last week I told her that I wanted to take the kids to the snow. Several months ago we told and promised them that we would go this winter. Many times in the past we have told them that we were going to go do something fun but those plans were not followed through on. My wife has usually come up with some reason or another to back out. This has been a big issue that I have had for a few years now, where she doesn't take the kids to go do anything fun. She leaves it soley up to me to take them to the park, swimming, bikeriding, hiking, beach combing, tide pooling, you know, anything fun. Where I have said to her in the past we rarely go do anything fun as a family, we need to plan out fun stuff to do on weekends and follow through. She would often say, you know I just can't leave the house when it's a mess without thinking about it the whole time and then have to come home to a messy house. She always just wants to either sit around the house because she has "had a tough week and just needs to relax" or she just wants to sit around while the kids just watch tv.
Like I said this has been a big issue of ours.
So last week I told her I was going to take the kids to the snow and if whe would like to go that would be great, but if not I would take them either way. She asked me to postpone it until this weekend because she left town to pickup her mom at the airport three hrs. away and spent the night to march in aprotest the next day. So I did postpone it.
Then yesterday I asked her if she still planned on going with us to the snow and she said well I will be setting up my room with my mom on friday and I don't know how much I will get done. So I said does that mean your not going because I am going to take them either way. She responds with well I won't know until I see how much I get done.
What total B.S., all she has to do is move a couple of things around and go and buy a bed. It makes me so angry that earlier in the week she had me look into hotels so that we wouldn't have to do the 4.5 hr. drive back for a totall of 9hrs. in the car including playing in the snow. UHGGG!!!!
So how should I handle this?
Should I just take them without her and still stay at a hotel?
For some reason I feel like I need to get her permission to spend the money on the hotel and food, etc.
Yet last month she bought $600 worth of concert and music clubbing tickets, as well as clothes.
I thought we were broke, and filed for bankruptcy!
We haven't told the kids about the separation/divorce, whatever the hell it is.
So now tomorrow she will be creating her own bedroom. When I asked her this morning when we will be telling the kids, she said, some time this weekend.
I said well we need to talk about what we will say and how we will communicate it to a 3yr. old and a 7yr. old. She said I don't know when we can talk about it. What the hell!
Yesterday I told her I wouldn't be home tonight because I needed to get out of the house. So she says to me, well when will you leave and are you going to come home. What!
She says the reason I am asking is because your neot telling me where your going, so therefore I don't know if you will be coming home. She then said I just need to prepare myself for what I need to do about dinner and getting the kids ready in the morning. I said of course I will be home tomorrow night and will help with the kids like I always do. And then I asked her why she would ask me if I was going to come home, she says, well like I said your not telling me anything, I tell you where I am going, what I will be doing and when I will be home.
In my mind I am thinking, that's toalal B.S., you mean like the times you have bought tickets to go see bands in intimate club settings in a city 3hrs. away with another man.
So I said, look your not communicating things with me so what do you think our boundries should be then.
She responds with I told you I was going to go seethose bands ahead of time, you just tell me the day before. Uh ya, I am driving over to my parents house, what the F are you doing? I didn't say that but that's whats on my mind.
Again, she's going back to treating you like a child or an underling.
Just make up your mind to go with the kids and stay at the hotel whether she's with you or not. You are still in a partnership with her and she was the one who didn't give you a straight answer if she's going or not.
You can't change the way she wants to act as a parent. She has to want to do that along with everything else. But if she chooses not to, well that's up to her unfortunately. But hey, it's her choice.
Just be aware that she will continue to twist your words around to make you out to be the bad guy no matter what the subject is right now. You have to learn how to take what she dishes out and turn them back on her. She's going to be goading you into fights so you have to stop them before they happen and walk away if she continues. Warn her before you do so though so she can't throw that in your face.
In terms of talking to the kids, there is no "perfect time" to tell them. Tell her that you believe that needs to take priority and that as their mother, it should be hers as well. She's holding it off to come up with a story that would make her sound like the hero. You've got to cut her off at the pass.
Be active rather than re-active to get back the respect that she's taken away from you. Sometimes our WAS's can seem so selfish and condescending that they need a dose of reality every now and then. You do that by standing up for yourself.
Ask yourself...if this was someone new whom you were dating, would you let them treat you like that? If not, then why would you take it now?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I suggest you tell her that you are going to tell the kids on your trip to see the snow this weekend, and welcome her along. If she doesn't come, then tell them anyway. Let HER decide what's more important, that or figuring out the proper Feng shui for her futon and lava lamps.
