I've moved here from MLC

[Thinker]

Hurts doesn't it.

I know my W and OM are still in some contact - not anything like it was, but can still see the phone bills and there are still occasional texts (1 every 2-3 weeks) from her to him. None from him in response. It indicates that she is still not over him and is still probing once in a while just to see if she can get another hit of her addiction.

I passed his car in the gym parking lot the other day and wanted to burn and bury it - but it would not have fit in a tin can

Anyway, I think you have to believe him that it is over, but know at the same time that he will probably keep relapsing - probing or trying from time to time - it's what addicts do unfortunately.

[AJM]

The buring was a good idea. Let it be the last time. Do not unbury the dead.

He has to talk to her. It's not that he wants to. He's not lying I think. What you've described is not the pattern of somebody who wants both. It's the pattern of a crazy woman trying to make you crazy. It seems to be working though.

I did mention that you'd have some trip ups. It sounds like you're working through it though. You're doing well and you just need to get back on the trail and STOP THINKING HE WANTS HER.

Let the dead bury the dead, ok?
How are you today?


AJ

[stillloveshim]

It does hurt. But I will be happy that the contact has dropped off exponentially. And that is a good way to look at it, like drug addiction.
I think you should have tried....a car is a basically a tin can, but a lot more sturdy, right?

[stillloveshim]

The funeral......It was more funny than anything else, even though at the moment I was not laughing. It got me wondering, "Did my H really fall in love with someone else or was it just something new?" It's hard to say but there are a lot of great arguments either way. I was also wondering if we can recover.

But all of of that goes back to I can't control him or change the past. I just hope he is more honest with me in the future about everything. I can take the truth, it sucks often times, but it's better than all of this wondering, which makes you nutzo.

Today I'm ok. I had to call and turn down a job offer after my current boss counter offered. It wasn't a match but all things taken into account I think my butt needs to stay here. I have a high level of comfort here and lots of flexibility, which I love. But I was having some angst over the phone call to decline. They did do a lot of work for me to get the offer in writing, time to interview me, they like me enough to offer me the job, etc. But before I spoke to them, I sent H and some other friends a text about being anxious about it. Everyone responded except him. So like an idiot, I called and he sounded sort of distracted, maybe jerky a little bit, but then again, he's very busy at work today so I'm probably reading into it.

But the call to turn the job down went very well. So I'm happy about that and now I have a little raise here. That's good stuff.

Fortunately, I've got an easy day and I'm going to enjoy it then go home with my little guy and enjoy that even more.

You're right. From now on NO ONE but ME is going to make me crazy damn it!

[AJM]

It got me wondering, "Did my H really fall in love with someone else or was it just something new?" It's hard to say but there are a lot of great arguments either way.

No love. I told you that. Not something new either. Something different. He needed to be away from the you you became.

I was also wondering if we can recover.

I think that's a natural thing to wonder. I think you have to get past that and realize that yes, you can have a new relationship with him. Right after you work on you. Not before, so wondering that won't do you any good. In fact, it will lead to some not so healthy thoughts. I can tell you that from experience.

Go forth.

[Thinker]

I think you have to get past that and realize that yes, you can have a new relationship ... Right after you work on you. Not before

Thanks AJM - that helps me too! - brings back some focus.

[stillloveshim]

I think what I need to figure out is what to do when crap related to the dead girl is put in my face. Something maybe like, kick someone. Or go for a walk, or a run. I need to have a list of several things.
I don't think you know this story. (Girlfriend/Roommate says if I ever made my life into a movie or a book, no one would believe it.) My H has a high profile job as did I and sort of still do. I was at a restaurant, waiting for my food wondering why I ordered what I did because I was doing dinner with the girls later and would be eating pretty much the same thing. A woman taps me on the arm and says "You're a lucky lady!" I asked why, and she said she worked at my favorite store in our town that sells the cutest jewelry to fun gifts. She said she saw what my husband got me for Christmas, the earrings were gorgeous! And he that he spent a pretty penny on it. Well, H didn't give me anything for Christmas. Things were pretty bad for us then and things were at their "peak" if you will with ex-OW. Basically, he bought them for her. I'm standing, there talking to strangers wondering if they can see how hot I feel and sick to my stomach.
But these are some of the things I'm dealing with...and it's just out right freaking crazy. Absolutely crazy. I wanted to go to Chick-fil-a that day too, wish I had.
But that's what I mean, I need a list of things I can do when the crap is thrown in my face because really, I have no idea where I may be when it hits the fan, or my face.

So when I'm at home, I could go walking, recite the alphabet, read to S, talk with Girlfriend/Roomate. I need to shake it before I contact him with the latest crap-ola.
But what if I'm in public? I can't just very well puke on people's shoes.....or can I?
I just need to make a deal with myself that when I find out or learn something that pisses me off with H in any capacity, I have to wait, HAVE TO WAIT an hour or two before I can call and ask about it. And maybe by that time, I won't want to.

Last night, after H got done at the gym, he took S to get pizza. He texted me that I was welcome to join him and S, but I turned the offer down and said I would just see him when he dropped S off. No response. He got back to where I'm staying pretty late. He came in my room and S and I were hugging at S's level. H talked to me for a minute and asked "Are you mad? Is everything ok?" I said yes, and he said he had to go and gave S a big hug and sort of gave me an affectionate touch on my face. He said Bye Lovie. I said Bye.

So continue to do stuff like that.

[AJM]

Sheesh. You may benefit from the advice a friend of mine once gave - carry a fork. Why? because when you're tempted to say something because you're angry, you should instead put that fork in your leg. My leg is very sore indeed.

HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH HER. HE HAS NOTHING BUT SHAME AND CONTEMPT FOR HER.

I can understand your feelings. I'd be angry. Heck, I only virtually know you and I'm angry. But I also know that it means NOTHING. Your husband wants a new you back. He sees the changes. They're not done yet, and he's noticed. He's worried. He's confused. He's not sure why he's so attracted to you and why you're angry. After all, he said he was sorry and that nothing was going on.

Doesn't know what you know. Doesn't see what you see.

LET IT GO before it eats you up. You cannot change the past. You cannot do anything about it.

Next time you get hit with something that reminds you, act as if and come here and post. I'd be happy to keep up with you. I'm sorry there is no other way to allow you to connect more rapidly as I would be happy to let you vent with me vs. knowing that you're stewing on it.

Try this: Next time something reminds you, let it go. For at least almost all of the day. Give yourself 20 minutes to feel it at some point during the day. Don't do that before bed though. Must be much earlier because you won't want to sleep with that.

This guy's facebook entry made me laugh. The item about the world burning and the firemen bringing marshmallows was a good laugh. Your life could be worse, right? http://tinyurl.com/cvoay8

Be good to yourself. Be good to your son. Be open to your husband. Work on you. You're worth it.

Oh, and no you may not puke on people's shoes. That's considered impolite in 35 states and I'm not sure which one you'll be in when it happens - better safe than sorry, right?

The affectionate touch; do you know how many people here would kill for that from their spouse? Keep perspective girlfriend.

He's changing the game by bringing down barriers he put up and it's knocking you for a loop. Steady as you go.....

AJ

[stillloveshim]

alright, here's something funny, but in a not so funny way, yet, I have the giggles about it. probably better than crying.

I organize the finances. H was in charge of a fantasy football pool. One of the winners is an out of towner. So H mailed him a check for almost $400. He mailed this check about 6 weeks ago. The check still has not been cashed. So I called and left him a message to call me at work.
He calls me about 5 minutes later.
"What's up?" (he sounded sort of irritated maybe, or annoyed)
"Hey, thanks for calling me back. Did you ever talk to the fantasy football guy about the check? Do you know if he even received it?"
"I sent him an email two weeks ago, but I don't recall getting a reply."
"Alright, well the money is still in our account and I want to make sure he got it. It's $400. That's not chump change."
"I'll try and contact him again and see what's up. Just pretend the money isn't there."
"It's not a big deal, but no one wants to owe money and I esp. hate to owe an individual money. Let me know if he responds."

And then there was silence.

H says "Is that all?"
"Yeah, I was just wondering as I'm sitting here figuring out the finances."

More silence.

Me--"Alright, get back to work, I'll talk to you later."
H--with an obvious tone of relief says "Ok, tah-tah."

Lesson I've learned: H and I OBVIOUSLY fight too much on the phone. Need to stop that RIGHT NOW.

[stillloveshim]

OH MY GOODNESS!!
H just called me to see how my phone call to turn down a job offer went!! I was so surprised. He said "I haven't had a chance until now to call you." And he asked how it went!

Huge step here that he at least cared!!