And it's true, I never took the time to romance my W. I was too busy with career and the kids. I took the relationship with my W for granted. Look back at your M and ask yourself; what did you do WITH my W that made her feel loved and the most important person in my life?
Quote:
I've realized now that we must continue dating even when we're married.
That may be true but the funny thing is she just sits around her apartment. She's not doing anything. How do I know this? She calls me constantly and is always coming over. I'll gladly work on it after she comes back or after we divorce. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do. Stay in the military or get a job elsewhere. That's if I can get a job elsewhere. Just so tired right now.
I didn't take the time to romance the wife properly. I know there is significant room for improvement in this area. The problem is she doesn't want anything from me at this point in this department. If she came back, we would have a date at least once a week. I would look forward to it. If I had known this was coming, I would have been a lot more proactive in this department. I just want the opportunity and I don't understand why she doesn't feel obligated after 15 years to give it to me.
Last edited by AFWAW; 03/26/0904:39 PM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I agree with PD. If you can pull yourself together; go on the date. Like I said in an earlier post; it's obvious she still cares. You should start just listening to her and let her decide when and what to tell you. I know that's hard; but necessary as you work to save your M.
I also think that you should go on the date; because if she feels that the two of you never did anything (totally supposition on my part BTW); then this would be a 180 for you. Setup up something light and fun. Talk, try to find some humor; and give her a safe place to let out her feelings.
Because she's still so involved in talking with you and sharing what she's feeling; I don't think now is the time to go dark. So work on your "loving detachment" and go on that date. cheer up; you can only change you. Let your W see a better you!
That may be true but the funny thing is she just sits around her apartment. She's not doing anything. How do I know this? She calls me constantly and is always coming over. I'll gladly work on it after she comes back or after we divorce. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do. Stay in the military or get a job elsewhere. That's if I can get a job elsewhere. Just so tired right now.
I didn't take the time to romance the wife properly. I know there is significant room for improvement in this area. The problem is she doesn't want anything from me at this point in this department. If she came back, we would have a date at least once a week. I would look forward to it. If I had known this was coming, I would have been a lot more proactive in this department. I just want the opportunity and I don't understand why she doesn't feel obligated after 15 years to give it to me.
Somewhere in that 15 years; she started emotionally detaching herself for some reason. We men, in our DAMness, never seem to get it until it's too late. I think she's giving you an opportunity; but you have to do it on her terms for it to be effective. She doesn't feel obligated just because you've been together 15 years.
I believe that she probably has felt unimportant to you and someone gave her some excitement in her life and it was too hard to step away.
Going out would be a 180 for me as we rarely went out. I will try to keep my expectations low. There is just so much going through my head right now. I think she still cares as well but is so wishy washy about what she wants to do regarding what she says. If she really wants to end it then she needs to do so and quit leading to believe there is a chance. I guess she needs to figure out what she really wants. Thank you for your input. I will consider going through with the date. I'll just have to take a nap and watch something funny before I go out. I sure wish I knew what was making her tick right about now.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
You shouldn't worry about her being wishy washy. YOU just need NOT to be wishy washy, clingy, needy. Be strong in her presence.
BTW, Was this date her idea, or yours? I ask that because of what Puppy said above.
Remember that you're early in this process. You have got to get to a place where you quit worrying about what she thinks or makes her tick. Food for thought, if I had given my W the D back in October; she would've jumped on it. Instead, I'm in my mind wondering how I'm going to proceed because she wants to try and put it back together again. That was 6 months ago. IT TAKES TIME!
I want you to go out with her Saturday night, too, and the reason why is this. She may HAVE been having an affair, but I am not so sure she is in the middle one NOW.
I think right now she is torn. She loves you and maybe realizes a bit of the mistake she has made (from her words and some of her actions, cause she's there all the time). But you don't know what all happened while you were gone. So she justifies walking away because you don't know the whole truth. And since she doesn't think you will forgive her, but mostly because SHE CAN'T FORGIVE HERSELF, she keeps moving forward with her stupid plan. Because she doesn't know what else to do. She moved out, she gets a divorce, she moves on....it's a clear path. It may not feel quite right, but it's a path. Then there is the other path, where she tells you...and then she doesn't know for sure what happens. She loses control because she can't control how you will react or how she will feel once you know the truth. Just try...really hard...to put yourself in her shoes...consider yourself doing what you think she did....can you see then how she got where she is? Can you see why she is confused? The trouble for her is she loves your daughter and loves you, but doesn't know how to find her way back and isn't sure of the path...mostly "what will happen?"
I am sure your patience is wearing thin. But at this point, you are the one with all the time. I know others said don't pressure, but I will tell you that my H pressuring me is what got me to finally open up. It was 11pm. I was tired. He called. We argued. He called me on it. I admitted. I was tired of the lying. I'd already gotten rid of OM. I won't say this will work for you. You have to understand that I was DONE with the lying and everything else. At that point I didn't think I wanted my H back, but I was just tired of....all of it.
We kept doing things during all of this. We took D4 trick or treating. We were still sleeping together on occasion. We talked every day and emailed, too.
Dunno. Good luck.
melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
BTW, Was this date her idea, or yours? I ask that because of what Puppy said above.
It was my idea. She said she enjoyed our last one. Matter of fact, she emphasized it several times. That was why I asked her if she wanted to go out Sat night. I asked her when she called me though. If she had said no, I would not have pursued.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
She may HAVE been having an affair, but I am not so sure she is in the middle one NOW.
This is what I speculate also. It may have been a one night stand though as she went TDY about 5 times while I was gone. Much easier to cut loose on a TDY where drinking and fellowship are generally encouraged. Drinking a bit too much perhaps and one thing leads to another. Very poor character for her though to put herself in a situation like that since she's not a big drinker. God, it sickens me to think about what happened.
I see what you are saying Mel. I don't like it but I see it. It still doesn't justify doing what she did if she did it.
She's taking the easy way out. I can see that. The only problem is, it isn't easy for anyone else.
How do you propose I go about pressuring her? On the phone? In person? Did that make things easier for your H once he knew? So many things to think about.
BTW, sent someone who I think is you a friend request on facebook--wasn't sure if it was you though.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Don't you think that (going on the date) would come across as needy and clingy?
I might have missed some things from previous, but under these conditions I don't think it would appear needy and clingy: 1) This was already arranged so it's expected (despite her remorsefulness of last night) 2) He can tone down these emotions and eliminate all expectations. It has to be, "what the hay, I have nothing better going on" type attitude 3) There isn't going to be talking about the relationship or talking about forgiveness. You can't forgive what you don't know about. 4) It's short, sweet, and is basically hanging out in a relaxed manner. 5) If this isn't a date that was already set, or if he's unable to do exactly what's written above, then I agree...needy and clingy and desperate for his wife.
That being said, if handled right (ie he either just doesn't bring up this "date" or he begs out with "something has come up") then not doing the date is fine too. What I don't like as much though is that it's natural to beg out in this situation. His wife would see it as a sign that he's crushed or too angry to do this. I just like it when you get the opportunity to show that you could care less what your spouse is doing, that you are in control of yourself. Know what I mean?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
