Stress, WAW and life in general II

[mindfull]

AJ:

You should be very proud. You are making a thankless effort (right now), and are staying the path. You are closer with your kids, and you're an example to them.

I wish some of your ability to detach would rub off on your friend!

Just be proud. I'll check back in later. Guess I'd better get some work done! I'm off to IOWA tomorrow and Friday. Apparently, the AG Biotech business is the only nich with cash! I'm there!

Be good, friend!

[AJM]

I wish it would rub off on you, MB.

I just had lunch with pastor. I was telling him how even though WAS was acting the crazy b**ch this week, it does not affect me nearly as much. In fact, it really didn't. It comes up as a curiousity to me and something to recognize, but it doesn't get under my skin. I told him the truth: I started feeling that I could relax more and more when I noticed she was healing. It was a pivotal moment for me because I care about her. I admit that I do. I love her. Deeply. But I'm no longer as wound up about the crazy things she pulls or the wild mood swings. I'm off the roller-coaster for the most part. I slip back on from time to time. I know that. But I refuse to live in a depressed state any longer.

That's two things I won't do any longer:
1) I won't be treated like she was treating me. I won't be the whipping post. Funny about that. My daughter told me last night that mom needs to get in a fight to release some of that tension. Either we both fatalistically think the same way, else she notices things the same as I do. I suspect the latter.

2) I won't be depressed or sucked into the mood swings like before. It's getting easier to stand back from those and see that although WAW is railing against me, it's not me that she's really railing against. I won't walk on egg-shells, but neither will I pour salt in her wounds. I care for her. Unconditionally.

It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. Even when she projects things on me blaming for things, it's not about me. I think that's why I keep getting back-handed insults (i.e. even if I've been a monster these past 6 months, you were like that for years!) That sort of thing. We're making progress I'm sure, but for me it's about her healing. I can be far more patient knowing that she's healing. Even if I have to fall on my sword, I know now that it's not about me. I know that it's her and my needs are not the issue.

My only real need in our relationship right now is to protect my wife and see her heal. Which made it harder to detach early on. I'm not saying that's right for everyone. I'm just acknowledging the reality of my inner thoughts.

My thoughts are that she's still dealing with her own issues too much to deal with anything else. She isn't comfortable in her own skin and can't possibly love anyone else. Such as me

Ok. She's broken. I can deal with that even if she doesn't come back to me. I can be lovingly detached in that case. Because I cannot change her. Because I cannot change anyone but me. My changes are for and about me now. I've already changed for my children. Now I change for me. Starting immediately.

The more I change for me, the better I feel. The more I feel like the old me. The confident, happy, easy going me. I crave friends and interaction and all that. But I can be patient with some of that.

Coach: I have not read that book. I've read many similar. In fact, on of the good one's I've seen is The Friendship Factor. Has some interesting things and somebody earlier in the thread mentioned they'd like the name.

I'll add that one to my reading list though. Thanks!

AJ

[AJM]

Hmmm.. Time to update again:

This week WAS was a monster again. Right down to the inability to form coherent sentences and the crazy look in the eye. Says she's been exhausted. I believe it. Been a crazy week for her.

She's been give a wide berth.

Last night got home and she was making dinner. We had some wine with dinner. She was trying to be communicative and even said so to the kids. She had a very interesting conversation with D about religion and ordaining gays in the church. Talked about marriage and Christian beliefs etc. Very interesting to hear from her at this point especially since she's been mad at God for a while. After dinner I took us over to get icecream and put gas in her car on the way home.

Coming back we talked about when S was born. She made a comment about wanting another child again. That kind of hit me, but let it go.

After the kids went up to get showers, she says that she wants to go to the next MC session alone. That kind of threw me too, coming right after the baby comment. But said it was cool. She also mentioned being out of town for most of the weekends in May. Taking the kids to the beach, going on a trip with friend etc. My gut tells me she's trying to a) reconnect with the kids (get rid of the mommy guilt) and b) lash out/test me. I told her that would be great and that I think she should try and get out more often to take a break. She mumbled something about not having the time. She also mentioned wanting to try out different churches. She says that the pastor has become my confidant and she does not feel good about being there because of it. Heck, I'm just happy that she's considering church again. I think that's a good thing for her and her healing.

It sent me for a spin even though it should not have. Just change I think. I spoke to the pastor last night and this morning. He tells me he's not surprised that she wants to talk to the MC alone. He said he would have been surprised if she had not.

Truth is, it really doesn't matter at this point. She's already checked out. What I really need is for her to heal herself. I suspect that this is part of that process and I need to let her take that journey.

Still not sure how things will end up but I know that I'm much better at keeping myself level and knowing that I am confident because of who I am and not because of her validation. Sure it hurts to love somebody who cannot return that love, but loving her means I have to let her take this journey.

It's more difficult to not walk on egg-shells yet not get dragged into the fights or let her words hurt. They do sometimes still hurt. I'm not letting them get to me for verylong though my subconscious seems to think otherwise. At least at 0300 it does

So in summary, things seem like they're taking a pretty normal course. I was asked to cancel my plans for tonight because she had to go out of town for the day and she thought one of us should be there with the kids. I did. I'll go out tomorrow instead with an old friend. Should be fun.

Everything else is pretty good. Daughter sent me the following yesterday via txt: "I applied for a job in a mental house. They said I need 24 hours of experience with a crazy person... You want to hang out tomorrow? "

I laughed very much. :0)

Son is doing well and healing from his case of shingles (lucky boy). Should be back to hockey by the weekend.

I was reading one of Mike's posts. I should be much more grateful for what there is between us right now:
1) we're in the same house
2) we eat dinner together
3) we watch tv together
4) we go to MC
5) we parent pretty well together - same values etc.
6) we share household duties together
7) we're planning to go away this weekend together
8) we don't scream at each other very often
9) we don't have malice towards one another
10) we haven't spoken to lawyers

"I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday" Funny thing is that I don't know where there is; could be divorced or it could be back together. But I'm closer than yesterday.

I also recall the only easy day was yesterday. Seems that way every day but this is my family we're talking about. They're worth it. My kids need to see me do this. I need to see me do this.



AJ

[Thinker]

"I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday" Funny thing is that I don't know where there is; could be divorced or it could be back together. But I'm closer than yesterday.

LOL! So True

[stillloveshim]

You are lucky to still be living together.
My Girlfriend/Roommate often mentions that my H doesn't act like a man who wants out of his marriage. We have another friend who came home from work, her H was sitting at the table. She asked what was wrong and he blurts "I want a divorce." And while she was at work, he packed all of his stuff and had already moved out. She saw him a handful more times after that but it was for business only...separating money, taxes, household bills, etc. They didn't have any kids though.
G/R is often confused by my H's actions too. He says one thing and acts another way. Crazy-ness.

Lots of women say they would like another baby, ESPECIALLY when talking about the birth of their child or children. I would like another baby when talking about that crap, but then reality sets in and after losing 60+ pounds and a boob job, that's not for me again. For sure. But seriously, I have friends with babies at just about every stage and I was the first to have a baby of all of us. When I'm holding my girlfriends 3 week old, I don't want one.
Your daughter sounds like a riot.

Maybe the anger comes from guilt....guilt at how she's treating all of you and your all still there. Maybe she's trying to push you all as hard as she can so you'll leave and bye bye guilt...??

I think her wanting to see the C alone is a good thing. Don't know why, but I do. Maybe she's seeking advice as to how she can cross that bridge back home the best way possible for her.

[AJM]

Thanks. I don't think she really ever did want a child. I think its part of the symtpoms. It stings a bit to hear it though.

Yikes. You lost a boob job?

Maybe the anger comes from guilt....guilt at how she's treating all of you and your all still there. Maybe she's trying to push you all as hard as she can so you'll leave and bye bye guilt...??

I think some of it does. I think the stress keeps her in a fog. I think she gets mad and becomes what she blamed me for being. Then, because of the mommy-guilt she gets even angrier and then puts it on me. It's weird.

I think her wanting to see the C alone is a good thing. Don't know why, but I do. Maybe she's seeking advice as to how she can cross that bridge back home the best way possible for her

Yeah, well I'm an analyst by trade and an optimist by choice. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle of all of that though. I think she has some things to say that she doesn't want to tell me directly. Could be what you say, but I suspect it's more about the baby feelings and the desire to sometimes run over and wrap her arms around me while at others (may be shortly after that) she wants to kick me in the nuts and kick me out the door. In that order. I don't think she understands why that is.

I do think its good that she wants to go back to church. That's been a big part of her life for so long that getting away from that has been really heartbreaking. I am very glad she's talking about doing that and hope she follows through. I encourage it even if it is not in the same church. Even if things don't work out between us.

Oh, and somedays it does not feel very lucky to be living in the same house although overall I am glad for it.

My daughter is hilarious. Great sense of humor and a great sense of people. She really is a great kid. My son is as well. His humor is a bit more dry - gets it from me I've been told. Can't see it, but there you go

AJ

[stillloveshim]

I have to say, you might be a genius.
I am impressed. Truly.

[AJM]

My ego could use stroking. What helped?

I reread my post. I think I can only honestly say that she wants to talk to the therapist alone. After that, I'm just guessing.

I still think it's good that she has somebody she trusts like that.

AJ

[stillloveshim]

Well goodness, most of what you say helps, if not all of it. I just like the fireman joke....I needed a giggle.

[AJM]

Thank you. My ego does feel better.