I can't help but feel for you when i read your posts. I am not talking about your son but you. You are in a state of limbo and are clinging to the hope that your H will decide that he wants to live happily ever after with you. that may still happen. If that is what BBJ wants, then i hope it does. As I have posted to K, us old timers tend to drop the DB basics for various reasons. It is easy for me to comment awhen have no "real" emotional attachment to your sitch other than your well being. I just get the sense when i read your posts that you are clinging to Dan. Don't get me wrong, having been there, i understand how you feel. However, if i can feel you clinging he must also feel the same. I would say respond only to his communications when it involves the kids and do not initiate contact. On the Disney vaca, plan without him. Just you and the kids BBJ. It is time that Dan realizes that you may be drifting away. Just my opinion of course. I may be out in left field.
i agree with you, john, but her sitch is difficult to navigate because she wants a healthy husband and father for her kids. dan won't be able to regain the time he's wasting by flailing around being "resentful". those kids and his wife need him to grow the [censored] up!
BbJ, you are doing an excellent job with your kids and I admire you so much. I love the fact that you are being careful about which counseler you choose. You make a great point when you say that you don't want some therapist telling your son that "mommy and daddy are getting divorced, and it's ok". it's not ok. where do these idiots get their degrees anyway?
I agree with you 100%....believe me....especially the growing up part. I simply am not sure that BBJ should be including Dan right now. But that is just my opinion.
Bbj, Dan needs to feel he lost you before you can get back together. He needs to feel/know you are gone. I am sorry about Nathan. My kids are in the same state, they dont know what is going on and feel worse than what they did in the summer when I was telling them me and H are NOT getting back together... You talk to the councelor and tell her what you want. I did that and she never told my kids we were "done"(because when they were having sessions I was dbing my b#%t off still...). love K
Thanks guys. I found a wonderful counseling place on the internet that is in Omaha. They specialize in children (their name is even kids, inc.)and also family work to the extent that what is wrong with the children stems from what is wrong with the family dynamic much of the time.
Anyway I have no idea if they take our insurance but even if they don't I want Nathan to go there. They have all kinds of interesting articles on their website. Like how for little boys, when they act mad it is often to cover up feeling sad. How divorce or separation is as major an impact on kids as a death. Etc etc
I put a call in to the center and the head honcho is supposed to be calling me back to discuss Nathan and decide which counselor would be best suited for him.
John you are right I know that I am clinging to that hope and I need to stop. Something as dumb as booking a vacation without him is a challenge for me. I need to just get out there and live life but I guess I feel tethered to my marriage in some way. OK I need to set myself up for some counseling too, don't I?
Clinging to the hope is fine. We would probably be surprised if everyone on this iste really was honest with themselves and really wrote what they felt.
Just plain clinging however...well let's just say that i agree with K. He needs to feel he has lost you. You are not giving him the opportunity....
Again just one man's opinion. Still pulling for YOU!
john, i am with you on the "Dan needs to feel the loss of BbJ" as well. I think he is cake-eating. He absolutely knows that she will be there when/if he ever decides to man up.
Do I need to stop with the Star Wars cartoons and Bionicle books? He doesn't have a video game system and I don't allow any TV with real fighting,the only battles he sees are on Star Wars cartoons/movies.
Have you tried this yet?
I have had a lot of "issues" w/ both of my younger boys just lately. One just turned 3 and one will be 5 in August. It's just a lot easier in the morning to let them watch Batman while I get ready, but then they end up going to school and re-enacting and end up in trouble. Both of them got sent home just the other day.
We ended up just unplugging the TV period. Not that you necessarily need to go to that extreme, but if all else fails, do try to cut out the Star Wars, etc. & see what happens.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I haven't gone that far yet but I am thinking about it...
I did notice on the website for Nathan's soon-to-be counselor, he stated that he is opposed to all electronic games for kids, even educational ones. He said if you want your kid to learn, sit with them and play games, do puzzles, even workbooks, whatever. That electronics are used for a babysitter more often than not. It is true in our case, I let him have computer when I am on the treadmill, or I let him watch cartoons when I am in the shower in the morning. However he is not allowed to watch any of those Pokemon/anime-type shows (and there are several on these days!), no Superman/Batman shows either. Just Disney Channel or spongebob. I don't like spongebob but sometimes he feels too grown-up for Handy Manny
It has actually been a draining/guilt-inducing afternoon. I want to strangle Dan but instead I will focus on myself, my actions, and my kids. And NOT talking to Dan right now is best as I am so frustrated...
*I had to leave school, pick up Sydney at daycare, and take both kids 40 minutes each way for Nathan to get allergy shots. I had to do this and be back in a 2-hr time frame to be here for parent-teacher conferences. Well we got to the office (third visit for shots) and Nathan had a meltdown, wouldn't get out of the car. The office is ONLY open on Thursdays or I wouldn't have come. And we had a narrow time window to get it done, b/c you have to wait 20 minutes afterward to make sure you don't have a reaction.
I had to pry him out of the car. Then he refused to enter the office once we got off the elevator at 2nd floor. Then I got him in and he lay on the ground screaming, etc etc. You get the idea.
I kept trying to pick him up but he is 50 lbs of wiggling, screaming boy at this point. Finally the dr. came out and he picked up Nathan in a bear hug and carried him in and held him for his shots.
Then he talked to him afterward about how he (Dr.) and I both loved Nathan and wanted him better, that is why we will always make him get his shots and no fit will ever get him out of getting the shots, so it isn't worth having a fit, etc etc Did I mention I love our doctor??
So then we get back into town 3 min. before I am due at the school. Good thing I live .5 miles from school! Well Sydney starts freaking out when she sees papa's car in our driveway. With 2 nights of conferences this week plus night class this is the third night in a row for the kids to be handed off to grandparents for the evening. She was crying and screaming for her mommy but I had to go in and change for conferences, I still got here 5 min. late. FIL had to pin her into her car seat to strap her in, she was throwing a fit.
Guilt? Yeah, I have some of that right about now.... Also anger at Dan for just being gone and leaving me to handle everything. I know that even if we lived together he would have to travel for work, but the kids wouldn't be missing him quite as much if he weren't out of the house, too.
So I think I am going to have to put some of my interests aside until the kids are in bed at night (treadmill, I will see you at midnight!) and start spending some serious quality time with them. And get back on a regular, comfortable/familiar schedule next week once conferences are over. Too much stress for everyone right now...
