This week WAS was a monster again. Right down to the inability to form coherent sentences and the crazy look in the eye. Says she's been exhausted. I believe it. Been a crazy week for her.
She's been give a wide berth.
Last night got home and she was making dinner. We had some wine with dinner. She was trying to be communicative and even said so to the kids. She had a very interesting conversation with D about religion and ordaining gays in the church. Talked about marriage and Christian beliefs etc. Very interesting to hear from her at this point especially since she's been mad at God for a while. After dinner I took us over to get icecream and put gas in her car on the way home.
Coming back we talked about when S was born. She made a comment about wanting another child again. That kind of hit me, but let it go.
After the kids went up to get showers, she says that she wants to go to the next MC session alone. That kind of threw me too, coming right after the baby comment. But said it was cool. She also mentioned being out of town for most of the weekends in May. Taking the kids to the beach, going on a trip with friend etc. My gut tells me she's trying to a) reconnect with the kids (get rid of the mommy guilt) and b) lash out/test me. I told her that would be great and that I think she should try and get out more often to take a break. She mumbled something about not having the time. She also mentioned wanting to try out different churches. She says that the pastor has become my confidant and she does not feel good about being there because of it. Heck, I'm just happy that she's considering church again. I think that's a good thing for her and her healing.
It sent me for a spin even though it should not have. Just change I think. I spoke to the pastor last night and this morning. He tells me he's not surprised that she wants to talk to the MC alone. He said he would have been surprised if she had not.
Truth is, it really doesn't matter at this point. She's already checked out. What I really need is for her to heal herself. I suspect that this is part of that process and I need to let her take that journey.
Still not sure how things will end up but I know that I'm much better at keeping myself level and knowing that I am confident because of who I am and not because of her validation. Sure it hurts to love somebody who cannot return that love, but loving her means I have to let her take this journey.
It's more difficult to not walk on egg-shells yet not get dragged into the fights or let her words hurt. They do sometimes still hurt. I'm not letting them get to me for verylong though my subconscious seems to think otherwise. At least at 0300 it does
So in summary, things seem like they're taking a pretty normal course. I was asked to cancel my plans for tonight because she had to go out of town for the day and she thought one of us should be there with the kids. I did. I'll go out tomorrow instead with an old friend. Should be fun.
Everything else is pretty good. Daughter sent me the following yesterday via txt: "I applied for a job in a mental house. They said I need 24 hours of experience with a crazy person... You want to hang out tomorrow? "
I laughed very much. :0)
Son is doing well and healing from his case of shingles (lucky boy). Should be back to hockey by the weekend.
I was reading one of Mike's posts. I should be much more grateful for what there is between us right now: 1) we're in the same house 2) we eat dinner together 3) we watch tv together 4) we go to MC 5) we parent pretty well together - same values etc. 6) we share household duties together 7) we're planning to go away this weekend together 8) we don't scream at each other very often 9) we don't have malice towards one another 10) we haven't spoken to lawyers
"I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday" Funny thing is that I don't know where there is; could be divorced or it could be back together. But I'm closer than yesterday.
I also recall the only easy day was yesterday. Seems that way every day but this is my family we're talking about. They're worth it. My kids need to see me do this. I need to see me do this.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
