WAW Affair Confirmed - Advice?

[DCBHM]

Writing a book here I'm not trying to come across as hard-headed, but I do want to give you some background info too. I put everything in QUOTE boxes so that it won't take up too much space and people can skip over.

A 'brief' history of the M:

When we met with our preacher (both separately and together) he reminded us of what he said at our wedding. He believed strongly in his heart that God had brought us together for a reason.

I believe that as well. I believe there is even a reason why all of this is happening. I will also say that I feel a lot of calm on the matter in a sense of where I will be when the dust settles.

She and I dated from 2004-2006. I had my two children living with me the entire time. We got married, and by this time my sons were already calling her "mom." She wanted to have a baby, and I told her I wanted to wait for a year so we could make sure things were good. I ended up having to get a puppy and a kitten to placate her. But we waited a year, she was so excited, was bugging me about certain times in her cycle, her temperature, and all sorts of details I don't need to know. But she got pregnant after about 3 months of trying.

Then after having the baby, her father died from cancer, we found out he had left them with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debts, I had to testify in a criminal trial against my ex-wife, she had the A start, I was too busy helping her family settle the estate, I was going to school at night, working during the day, and she chose to have the A.

A lot happened. We hadn't even gotten into the New Year before she dropped the bomb. And it did drop... it wasn't just the shock of facing down a D again, it was the absolute torrent of spite and vindictiveness that began to rain down on me from someone who used to be bubbly, sweet, and carefree. I 'learned' she had never loved me, I was a horrible person, I treated her like a slave, I was abusive, etc. She did her best to attempt to destroy me, my character, and not just to me - to everyone she works with, everyone in our neighborhood, and everyone in her family.

So my self-esteem took an initial hit. I had insomnia, I dropped 40 lbs (weigh 160 now), I felt lost. Then I pulled the wool off my eyes. I had blindly trusted her, knew there was an A going on for months, yet I had never accepted it because I was too worried about the other responsibilities and problems in our life. The private investigator was a formality. I knew he'd find something - and even he was shocked at how easy I made his job... she got busted within 30 minutes.

The D Process

She had already filed for the D on grounds of "mental and physical cruelty." I responded on grounds of adultery. She responded with lies about how I had "stolen her inheritance" and emptied out our joint bank account. I responded with bank statements, a copy of her father's will that shows she wasn't even a beneficiary, and lots of real substantive proof. She said "we're just friends" to her attorney, I dropped a timeline, video, pictures, journal entries, and audio recordings on her attorney.

So I think she is finally realizing she can't lie her way out of it and make me a monster (because I document and record everything), and the A is becoming a lot less attractive and appealing to her now. Oh she is still caught up in it - but I'm adding a carrot to the stick, that I'm sitting here wanting to work on the M - and attempting to make it as attractive an option as possible while I'm going total war on the D front.

Reality will intrude on the fantasy, and I'm not sure how long it will take - but from everything I understand an A will end a lot more abruptly than some people expect it to when it becomes sordid and uncomfortable.

Even after I caught her through the private investigator, she continued lying. I've heard 5 different stories of why she was there, and they get more and more wild, exaggerated, and creative.

Once her attorney had my evidence bomb drop on her, the dynamic changed. She quit exaggerating (at least in front of me), quit lying about the A (she just quit talking about it), and has been sugar and sunshine wanting me to agree with what she wants on the D.

My thoughts

You are 100% right. I cannot control if/when she will choose to work on the M, end the A, get help, etc.

I can control me, caring for my children, my actions, my response to her, and I have been very 'reactive' in terms of what steps I take in the D.

I've tried to avoid coming across as 'controlling' which is all I've heard from her - and I know that is just A-script.

It is very likely that she may say "Oh I guess it wasn't God's will" and that is fine. As you say - I can't control what she takes out of what I say. I just know what I say, and I know what I mean, and I'm comfortable knowing that. I don't have any illusion that I'm guaranteed to reach her while she is fogged.

She made it clear prior to being caught she wasn't interested in the M. She did have a few moments where the 'fog' seemed to lift and she asked about counseling, wanting to be a part of the boy's lives, wanting to buy them ice cream, acting like she felt everything was her fault, etc.

Then she went right back to the lies, the entitlement, and her twisted sense of vengeance against me. Her attorney has probably already read her the riot act over how to act towards me, and I'm sure she isn't going to blow up any time soon.

Her grandmother emailed her after the hearing saying "I'm sorry your D didn't end, I know H is just a control freak like my first husband." and W didn't reply to her.

When I've mentioned counseling, she acts like she is interested now - but she isn't being proactive about going.

I'm trying not to read too much into it - but I think if she and I get into a counseling session and I put the A out into the open, someone (besides me) might can reason with her enough to get her to realize she is not doing right by herself.

And I start to realize more and more that rationality is not going to win out over emotion right now.

So I have to figure out my objective. Right now, D1. After that, if W chooses to get help, I will consider working on the M.

Bottom line:
I am very well-grounded emotionally and LRT/GAL won't be too much of an issue. Already dressing in nicer clothes, wearing cologne, not pursuing, basically following the do/don't list.

I am slowly learning to back off trying to control W's behavior even in the slightest. I can't make her get help, I can't make her work on the M, and I can't make her do anything. I know she has to learn certain things on her own.

There is ZERO communication between us outside of D1 and legal filings. I'm hoping to at least get us into counseling just so that we can talk.

The way W works... she is very easily led as a person. If a counselor tells her the M is something she should work on, she probably will take that a lot more seriously than many 'fogged' spouses would.

That being said... a one-way emotional rescue isn't a healthy M. So I'm not necessarily going to want to go back to the old M.

I like a clean break... the old M is dead. I'd like for us to build a new M, but she has to be willing to come to terms with a lot of things.

I guess I've moved forward too far too fast in a sense... my W and I are in very different places in our lives emotionally and mentally.

I am extremely well-grounded in terms of not letting this drive me too crazy, and I'm doing all the GAL/Distancing stuff fine, and moved forward very quickly in separating finances, changing the locks, responding to her D filing in record time *with evidence!*

The purpose behind my email to her was to make it clear that I'm not wanting to control what she does - that I want her to make a choice. Of course I'm using rationality to fight emotion which isn't going to work in her sense of mind.

It is a hard thing to look and see someone I love throwing her life away. At the same time, I haven't stepped in to say "Hey, you can't do this, you have to come back." I haven't tried guilt-trips. I haven't done anything except tell her "I love you enough to let you go if that is what you want." I said that in front of our preacher.

And I do... I meant every word.