WAW Affair Confirmed - Advice?

[sandi2]

I admire your strength, but may I make a suggestion? (I will assume you are saying okay...lol.) In response to the comment you made:

Even after learning about the A I told her I'm not angry, and was sitting here waiting to work on the M.

I think you are truly trying to show her compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love. However, if she does not understand these principles then she may see you as being very passive about what she has done to you. As you said, not many people would have took the abuse that you have. Maybe she was trying to see what it took to get you good and mad. Maybe she wanted to see if you would "fight" for the marriage...(in herway of looking at it). Now, I am just speculating b/c I certainly do not know her and how she thinks. I was wondering how I would have felt if my H had shown no anger or much of a reaction and was quick to be very forgiving and not have much problem with the EA. At first, when he confronted me about what I was doing, he was gentle but firm, and told me that I was addicted and that it had to stop. He told me he loved me and that I was very precious to him. However, he did try to lay a guilt trip on me and I came back at him like a cat. I proceeded to just get more sneaky with my computer activity with the OM and the EA. When my H discovered that it was still going on......he exploded on me. I had never seen him that angry before! Anyway, I don't have the answers and I'm not telling you to explode on her by any means, but since you have made your feelings plain to her, I would suggest that you not say that again to her b/c you said yourself that you deserve better. That is the way you need to think and act and it will show through your behavior, speech, body language.....everything. It is not to make you act like an a$$, but to stop being the victim and start being the "winner" in the bad situation. As you also stated, you do not know how much longer you can endure how she treats you......well, maybe you should stop enduring it. Set you boundaries and know what your deal breakers are and stick to it. If you were not already M to her, would she be the type of woman that you would have in mind to spend the rest of your life with? Probably not the way she is now, right? So, it goes back to what I previously said about "time" and "if" she gets better and then approaches you and "if" you would still want to get back together. A lot of "ifs". I understand taking marriage vows seriously, but if she absolutely will not cooperate with you in staying in a MR to work things out and she goes through with the D, then you must move on. I have said it before and I'll say it again that I have heard more WAS say that what got their attention was when their LBS really dropped the rope and went on about their lives, totally leaving them alone. So, I believe if you really put that rope down that you keep trying to hold on to and pull her back to you......and you move forward without her.....you stand a better chance than any other way. But, you must be determined that you are doing this for your sake and the sake of your children and not a gimmick to win her back b/c it will not work that way. She will see through it if it is not genuine. It shows and when it is for real, it usually either scares the WAS and shocks them into reality, or else they are set free as they wanted to be all along. One way or the other, you will have peace in your life if you do truly drop the rope and move forward. That is the only way YOU will be free of this turmoil. You can still care about her and wish the best for her, especially her health, but outside of trying to work some scheduled visitation with the baby......she would be out of your life......all ties cut (except where the child is concerned.....but that is not to become a instrument to be used to keep investing emotionally into her life.)

Just my thoughts for today. Nothing really new that you have not heard many times, but hopefully after hearing it enough, it will begin to make more sense as being the only road to take. You must be a survivor and not a victim......and live your life that way---and as a role model for your children.

Take care,
Sandi

[DCBHM]

Yeah, I think it would backfire on me if I 'exploded' because she is constantly expecting me to and anything I do just proves her preconceived notion right. If I yelled at her about it, all that would do is prove her "right" and I'd never hear the end about what an angry person I am and how OM treats her nice, etc.

The number of times I've raised my voice towards her is probably about 6 or 7 during our 5 years of being in a relationship. Most of those were during the beginning of her EA/PA last year. I yelled once during 2005 when she left the a/c running over a 4 day weekend when we weren't even home and I got a $400 electric bill. I yelled once in 2007 when her phone rang through about 3 or 4 times and she wasn't answering it. I yelled once in 2008 when the sink got stopped up and I had spent the week prior telling her to quit leaving food/gunk on the dishes that were in the sink and to wipe them out before putting them there. I yelled about 3-4 times during her EA/PA, but over the course of about 6-8 arguments we had over it.

I literally can remember each instance I've raised my voice, but she goes on and on about how that is "all I ever do" and how I need to go to anger management therapy because she is "afraid" of me and knows that one day I'm going to "beat the s**t out of her" etc.

And due to the legal situation, I'm certainly afraid of doing anything that makes me out to be a horrible person, etc. as she is alleging. She is already pretending I'm yelling/making threats anyway so I don't need to give her actual ammunition.

I do have a problem with the A, but I'm not condemning her for it. I've made it clear that it is not acceptable, but I'm not judging her for it and am here wanting to work on the M.

As far as moving on, I packed together all her belongings neatly and gave them to her, I changed the locks on my house, I gave her most of what is hers, and I haven't fought her much outside of custody. She said she wanted a D and I said "If that is what you want." I've been pretty good about cutting her loose, but it didn't seem to jar her much, although each little thing got some comment. Such as when I took her house key "but I can't come home..." and the next day she was bragging how she was so much happier not being home. When I took her debit card she said "but I won't have any money..." despite the fact she had opened her own account and had her own money.

I have good self-esteem and don't need someone else to make me happy. She tried to break me down by telling me how everything was my fault, that I treated her horribly, that she never loved me, that I was a bad person, etc. during the initial separation, but once I got the evidence on the A she hasn't done it so much, although she tried prior to our first hearing by bringing up a lot of little things, but even that has subsided.

The only contact we have right now is a few text messages each day strictly about D1, and whatever comes out of our lawyers.

I did set up an IC appointment for myself with a therapist. Going to talk to her about everything, and see if W wants to meet with her, then determine if we meet together.

And I was here in my last M... as soon as the D was final (I was the one who asked for it) my ex-W started showing up at my doorstep half naked and crying and reaching to unbutton my pants and begging to come home. So I've seen how moving on can affect a spouse who acts indifferent towards the M until it is too late.

I've also been in the position of the WAS who doesn't care and then who realizes when the LBS moves on that I wasn't quite through as I thought.

I've made my feelings to her plain. No point in rehashing it over and over. I just need to move on, focus on D1 and my boys, and just go ahead in life. As you say - things will work out better for me either way things turn out with the M as long as I'm moving forward in the right way.

I do appreciate you giving me advice.

[DCBHM]

Here is the text of my "confrontation" email:

I knew about your A. Long before the private investigator, long before you told me you wanted a D, I saw what was happening - but I did not want to accept it. I am devastated and hurt beyond words, my world is in shambles, and this will destroy our family and our marriage. I want you to end all contact with him, and recommit to our marriage.

Before you met me, you made a lot of decisions I know you regret. You looked for happiness in a lot of the wrong places, and you did a lot of things to yourself I know you regret. The last thing I want for you is to allow yourself to be used and discarded like you have been in the past by people who are only taking advantage of you while pretending to care.

You deserve a better life than that. You deserve to be happy. You deserve, and if you choose, will have more from me as well.

I promised you on (wedding date) that I would stand by you, for better or for worse. I won't abandon you now when I can see how much you are hurting, even when nobody else can see the pain you are going through, even when you probably feel like nobody can really understand what you feel.

I don't hate you. I'm not angry with you. I'm not here to gripe at you and tell you what to do. I want the best for you - and I always will.

You are the love of my life W. I hope to be able to show you that for the rest of our lives if God wills it for us.


H

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DCB,

I'm confused. I'm not seeing where she has said she WANTS to end her affair, and re-commit to the marriage? Unless I missed something???

Unless she's indicating that she's ready and willing "to do whatever it takes," you should not send her an e-mail like this.

Puppy

[sandi2]

Good Morning. I read your reply and I want you to know that I am not nit-picking at things in your letter but want to just point one thing out that I think probably may have been a verbal habit people have more than seriously thinking about the context. However, if I may point this out since you said you had been doing a lot of praying on the matter:

I hope to be able to show you that for the rest of our lives if God wills it for us.

If the two of you were legally M and for the right reasons, etc. (you know what I mean?), then I would think that is is certainly God's will that the M survive. However, His will is not always carried out b/c He allows us to make our own decisions. So, just don't give her an easy way out by even planting the idea in her head that "Oh well, I guess it just wasn't God's will or we would be together". I'm not trying to sound sarcastic and hope it doesn't come across to you as though I am, okay? The reason I even bring it up is b/c she is already using everything she can to make this look like it is your fault. First it is your bad temper and then you lock her out of her home. She is playing the victim real good, huh?

I must be in a "preaching" mood this week from the look at my posts, but it just jumped out at me and I felt compelled to point that out. Just remember, that even when the other spouse does not do God's will and cooperate to work on the M, if you have done what you can and you stay obedient to Him, He will bless you for that. So, if she doesn't turn back around and you move on down the road, I do believe that you will be blessed as long as YOU are making your choices based on God's will. You are the only one you can control in this stitch (as you've heard many times.)

Take care,
Sandi

[DCBHM]

Writing a book here I'm not trying to come across as hard-headed, but I do want to give you some background info too. I put everything in QUOTE boxes so that it won't take up too much space and people can skip over.

A 'brief' history of the M:

When we met with our preacher (both separately and together) he reminded us of what he said at our wedding. He believed strongly in his heart that God had brought us together for a reason.

I believe that as well. I believe there is even a reason why all of this is happening. I will also say that I feel a lot of calm on the matter in a sense of where I will be when the dust settles.

She and I dated from 2004-2006. I had my two children living with me the entire time. We got married, and by this time my sons were already calling her "mom." She wanted to have a baby, and I told her I wanted to wait for a year so we could make sure things were good. I ended up having to get a puppy and a kitten to placate her. But we waited a year, she was so excited, was bugging me about certain times in her cycle, her temperature, and all sorts of details I don't need to know. But she got pregnant after about 3 months of trying.

Then after having the baby, her father died from cancer, we found out he had left them with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debts, I had to testify in a criminal trial against my ex-wife, she had the A start, I was too busy helping her family settle the estate, I was going to school at night, working during the day, and she chose to have the A.

A lot happened. We hadn't even gotten into the New Year before she dropped the bomb. And it did drop... it wasn't just the shock of facing down a D again, it was the absolute torrent of spite and vindictiveness that began to rain down on me from someone who used to be bubbly, sweet, and carefree. I 'learned' she had never loved me, I was a horrible person, I treated her like a slave, I was abusive, etc. She did her best to attempt to destroy me, my character, and not just to me - to everyone she works with, everyone in our neighborhood, and everyone in her family.

So my self-esteem took an initial hit. I had insomnia, I dropped 40 lbs (weigh 160 now), I felt lost. Then I pulled the wool off my eyes. I had blindly trusted her, knew there was an A going on for months, yet I had never accepted it because I was too worried about the other responsibilities and problems in our life. The private investigator was a formality. I knew he'd find something - and even he was shocked at how easy I made his job... she got busted within 30 minutes.

The D Process

She had already filed for the D on grounds of "mental and physical cruelty." I responded on grounds of adultery. She responded with lies about how I had "stolen her inheritance" and emptied out our joint bank account. I responded with bank statements, a copy of her father's will that shows she wasn't even a beneficiary, and lots of real substantive proof. She said "we're just friends" to her attorney, I dropped a timeline, video, pictures, journal entries, and audio recordings on her attorney.

So I think she is finally realizing she can't lie her way out of it and make me a monster (because I document and record everything), and the A is becoming a lot less attractive and appealing to her now. Oh she is still caught up in it - but I'm adding a carrot to the stick, that I'm sitting here wanting to work on the M - and attempting to make it as attractive an option as possible while I'm going total war on the D front.

Reality will intrude on the fantasy, and I'm not sure how long it will take - but from everything I understand an A will end a lot more abruptly than some people expect it to when it becomes sordid and uncomfortable.

Even after I caught her through the private investigator, she continued lying. I've heard 5 different stories of why she was there, and they get more and more wild, exaggerated, and creative.

Once her attorney had my evidence bomb drop on her, the dynamic changed. She quit exaggerating (at least in front of me), quit lying about the A (she just quit talking about it), and has been sugar and sunshine wanting me to agree with what she wants on the D.

My thoughts

You are 100% right. I cannot control if/when she will choose to work on the M, end the A, get help, etc.

I can control me, caring for my children, my actions, my response to her, and I have been very 'reactive' in terms of what steps I take in the D.

I've tried to avoid coming across as 'controlling' which is all I've heard from her - and I know that is just A-script.

It is very likely that she may say "Oh I guess it wasn't God's will" and that is fine. As you say - I can't control what she takes out of what I say. I just know what I say, and I know what I mean, and I'm comfortable knowing that. I don't have any illusion that I'm guaranteed to reach her while she is fogged.

She made it clear prior to being caught she wasn't interested in the M. She did have a few moments where the 'fog' seemed to lift and she asked about counseling, wanting to be a part of the boy's lives, wanting to buy them ice cream, acting like she felt everything was her fault, etc.

Then she went right back to the lies, the entitlement, and her twisted sense of vengeance against me. Her attorney has probably already read her the riot act over how to act towards me, and I'm sure she isn't going to blow up any time soon.

Her grandmother emailed her after the hearing saying "I'm sorry your D didn't end, I know H is just a control freak like my first husband." and W didn't reply to her.

When I've mentioned counseling, she acts like she is interested now - but she isn't being proactive about going.

I'm trying not to read too much into it - but I think if she and I get into a counseling session and I put the A out into the open, someone (besides me) might can reason with her enough to get her to realize she is not doing right by herself.

And I start to realize more and more that rationality is not going to win out over emotion right now.

So I have to figure out my objective. Right now, D1. After that, if W chooses to get help, I will consider working on the M.

Bottom line:
I am very well-grounded emotionally and LRT/GAL won't be too much of an issue. Already dressing in nicer clothes, wearing cologne, not pursuing, basically following the do/don't list.

I am slowly learning to back off trying to control W's behavior even in the slightest. I can't make her get help, I can't make her work on the M, and I can't make her do anything. I know she has to learn certain things on her own.

There is ZERO communication between us outside of D1 and legal filings. I'm hoping to at least get us into counseling just so that we can talk.

The way W works... she is very easily led as a person. If a counselor tells her the M is something she should work on, she probably will take that a lot more seriously than many 'fogged' spouses would.

That being said... a one-way emotional rescue isn't a healthy M. So I'm not necessarily going to want to go back to the old M.

I like a clean break... the old M is dead. I'd like for us to build a new M, but she has to be willing to come to terms with a lot of things.

I guess I've moved forward too far too fast in a sense... my W and I are in very different places in our lives emotionally and mentally.

I am extremely well-grounded in terms of not letting this drive me too crazy, and I'm doing all the GAL/Distancing stuff fine, and moved forward very quickly in separating finances, changing the locks, responding to her D filing in record time *with evidence!*

The purpose behind my email to her was to make it clear that I'm not wanting to control what she does - that I want her to make a choice. Of course I'm using rationality to fight emotion which isn't going to work in her sense of mind.

It is a hard thing to look and see someone I love throwing her life away. At the same time, I haven't stepped in to say "Hey, you can't do this, you have to come back." I haven't tried guilt-trips. I haven't done anything except tell her "I love you enough to let you go if that is what you want." I said that in front of our preacher.

And I do... I meant every word.

[DCBHM]

Therapy went well. My session was supposed to last 50 minutes but she listened for about 25 minutes longer because she was just floored at how I still had my s**t together after everything I've been through in my life. (We started at high school).

She no longer wants to meet with W separately, and said if we are going to do any sort of MC we need to come in together next time because she doesn't want to take sides. Apparently she felt I was being extremely honest and wouldn't be able to do a fair job for us if W came in lying about things.

I won't go too far into detail about what was discussed, but she said based on everything I told her she felt that I was pretty ambivalent about whether to work on the M or continue with the D. She said it seemed like I was prepared for either eventuality and wasn't emotionally invested in either course of action.

I told her my first priority was my daughter. My second priority was my W getting whatever help she needed. And following that I was willing to consider working on the M - but that I also recognized that it would be a huge investment for me, especially with the lack of trust.

Right now:
W is not on the house deed.
W is not on the mortgage.
W is not on any of my financial accounts.
W is not on my truck note.

I have evidence of the A.
I have evidence of mental issues.
I have evidence that I'm the better parent.

So... when I break it down rationally instead of emotionally - it seems like I'll never be in a better position to get what I want custody-wise.

And really... since W has made it clear she wanted the D, she is having the A, I shouldn't feel that guilty about going right at her and deal with it if/when she decides she wants to come back.

Today she text-messaged me about taxes, wanting me to file everything so she can get her part of the refund. She said "I'm entitled to some of it because I paid taxes" and I said "Did I say you weren't?" and she said "No, I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way."

Told her if she thought it was fair the way I was dividing it (based on percentage of income) then I would file, otherwise I'd give her her own tax items and we could file separately - her choice. She said "No I want to file together." I said "That's good. I'll do everything then, and give you a copy of everything so you have it for next year."

Just left it at that, and she just said "Okay."

She still wants me to do everything for her she doesn't know how to do. Frustrating a bit.

[sandi2]

It sounds as if you are keeping a very sound mind and staying focused on what is important. I sincerely hope that the MC will help. I have little confidence in so many of them, but she sounded as though she was perceptive to what she picked up with her visit with your W, so maybe this counselor knows what she is doing and is pro-marriage. So many just tell couples or individuals that the M won't work and go their separate ways.

Don't look at what I am about to say as criticism but just to keep a "watch" on yourself. Your post almost.....almost gives a hint of arrogance in how well you have everything together and all the proof against her. That doesn't mean you ARE, it is just what I sense. So, what I want to say is to be careful about getting "smug" in your work to prove yourself to be the best parent to have custody of your child. If.....if she should try to come back into the M, it would be a very humbling experience for her and very difficult b/c to be proven that you are an unfit mother, I think, one of the most devastating things to happen to a woman. Even though she brought all of this upon herself, it will still be devastating. I am not blaming you for fighting for your child; I think you need to for the welfare of the baby. But, if she does try to come back and approaches you in that decision......whether you want her back or not, try hard to be kind in your rejection of her or your acceptance in taking her back and if you take her back.....try never to discuss the matter of you being the better parent. I suppose what I am saying is that if she wants to work things out in the M, you will need to be strong, but yet don't come across to her as her superior in the MR or in parenting. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say in my own poor way, here. I don't think she should have custody, but as a mother, I just can't help but have pity for her (and yet feel anger also....since she let this happen) b/c I think when she wakes up to what she has allowed to happen......she will either turn to you or she will hit rock bottom and there is no telling what may happen to her life then. So, you need to really evaluate how your feelings rate for her and I know a lot depends on the MC and the ruling of the court and her further behavior......I realize all of that, but also try to keep this thought in your heart, okay?

You are doing good.

Sandi

[vickyd]

Hi DC,

Ok, so I have been unable to use my laptop all week but all been reading postings through my cell phone and have been dying to share with you a message that came to me when reading your post. Funny thing is that I just read Sandi's post and my thoughts are somewhat in line with hers... but no so much really. Anyway, here I go...

In one of your post you mentioned that this would be your second D and that you had to testify against your xW in court.... it made me think that obviously you have been down this road before and probably your W has witnessed all the mess and legalize that you have gone through with xW. I think in your W's own crazy rebellious way she is doing the D, which she has started relatively quickly, to get back at you/as a way of rebelling per say. I think you guys are playing the divorce war game right now. Difficult for me to explain, but from my sitch, my H knows how badly I wanted to have a family, had fertility issues, went to all these doctors, and it has been a real emotional pain for me. And for this reason, H now has a child with OW and says he feels like he has a family with her, etc. Mean, yes!! What I mean is that there is a thin line between love and hate and our spouses who know us well know what buttons to push. Your W knows that you would be hurt to have to go through another D, and she knows that you will fight her bitterly in the D war and its something you would win becuase you're good at it. It like something I read in a book, even negative attention is attention. I think you need to stop playing divorce war for a while. Just stop it. Try to postpone any divorce filings. No need to rush anything... you have your evidence. The kids are with you for now, stop playing the game. You said that your main conversations are about your daughter and the divorce, please try to put the D on hold, there should be a way to postpone on your part. Hey, if you will get D, there is nothing wrong with waiting a little bit. But try not to play this war game for a while, have conversations just about your daughter. Try to show her that the upcoming D is the last thing on your mind. Another example of what I think is going on, so H and I have an investment property, a few weeks ago I told H that I am going to file for the property in my taxes since he walked out and is unrealiable with $ right now. H got upset and as usual, says I can have everything, called our realtor friend for the 100th time to get his name off the property. Mind you in Dec. I went alond with his refinancing game, sent papers to the realtor for H, and he was supposeding going to take the property and give me 50%. H never showed up. So this time I told H when he told me to call the realtor again, no the only papers I will sign at this point is divorce papers where we are settling everything. I am not calling the realtor. Since then the matter has not been brought up. H doesn't want to get D this I know but he wants to play these games like a little kid in retaliation.

I may be wrong about your sitch but this is what came to me in reading your post. Try it and see how it works. You can always start back playing the "I declare war/divorce" game at a later time. Try to show her her tactics to get you aroused/hurt is not phasing you one bit. Go on being a good father and happy as can be (with bad days of course) and see if she doesn't rethink her actions. Hey she may go... hey, this isn't bugging him, maybe I should stop.

Good luck.

[DCBHM]

It sounds as if you are keeping a very sound mind and staying focused on what is important. I sincerely hope that the MC will help. I have little confidence in so many of them, but she sounded as though she was perceptive to what she picked up with her visit with your W, so maybe this counselor knows what she is doing and is pro-marriage. So many just tell couples or individuals that the M won't work and go their separate ways.

Yeah this therapist came across as very pro-marriage, but was also willing to consider 'divorce mediation counseling' but she seemed to think I could handle all that on my own, and seemed to prefer helping to save my M especially seeing all I have put up with the past several months, and seeing how I'm still emotionally reaching out. She almost acted like she wanted to cry herself after I spent 30 minutes discussing each bit of evidence of the A, and my knowledge of it, but yet I was bringing home a rose and reaching out to W emotionally.

She liked the analogy I gave of the mixed messages I knew I was sending, since I was open, compassionate, etc. on the personal side - but on the legal side I'm a bulldog. So it was like I was holding out an olive branch while beating W with a stick.

But she recognized I have been very reactive to what has been thrown at me and didn't seek this fight.

I told her I felt like Israel, people tossing rockets over my border until I gear up to fight and they scatter like cockroaches.

So she did recognize and ask if that made me feel "empowered" and I said "yes" but also that I felt sad because I didn't want to do this to someone I love. I told her I was reluctant to fight, but never afraid.

Don't look at what I am about to say as criticism but just to keep a "watch" on yourself. Your post almost.....almost gives a hint of arrogance in how well you have everything together and all the proof against her. That doesn't mean you ARE, it is just what I sense. So, what I want to say is to be careful about getting "smug" in your work to prove yourself to be the best parent to have custody of your child. If.....if she should try to come back into the M, it would be a very humbling experience for her and very difficult b/c to be proven that you are an unfit mother, I think, one of the most devastating things to happen to a woman. Even though she brought all of this upon herself, it will still be devastating. I am not blaming you for fighting for your child; I think you need to for the welfare of the baby. But, if she does try to come back and approaches you in that decision......whether you want her back or not, try hard to be kind in your rejection of her or your acceptance in taking her back and if you take her back.....try never to discuss the matter of you being the better parent. I suppose what I am saying is that if she wants to work things out in the M, you will need to be strong, but yet don't come across to her as her superior in the MR or in parenting. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say in my own poor way, here. I don't think she should have custody, but as a mother, I just can't help but have pity for her (and yet feel anger also....since she let this happen) b/c I think when she wakes up to what she has allowed to happen......she will either turn to you or she will hit rock bottom and there is no telling what may happen to her life then. So, you need to really evaluate how your feelings rate for her and I know a lot depends on the MC and the ruling of the court and her further behavior......I realize all of that, but also try to keep this thought in your heart, okay?

You are doing good.

Sandi

Well, I think it really bothers her because she knows that I "know" but I haven't yelled, haven't done anything but reach out a hand of friendship, non-judgment, and compassion. That only has to multiply her guilt I'm sure - and maybe she feels like she can't come back now.

When it comes to our personal relationship - I'm being kind and respectful either way, because I have nothing to gain by trying to 'win' an argument. I've always told her that nobody wins when we argue.

When it comes to the divorce I'm playing total war. So it probably sends a mixed message - but I recognize she'd do the same to me in her mental state if she had real evidence.

I try to keep very humble about everything, and want to know I do things for the right reasons. I self-reflect every day and try not to get too far ahead of myself. Whenever I do start to feel 'empowerment' 'pride' etc. I just remind myself of W's arrogance and how quickly she fell when all the evidence fell into place.

I've been evaluating my feelings for her, and they have gone pretty much to ambivalence as the therapist said. I love her, and I hate her. I haven't resolved which is stronger, but each passing day tilts the scale one way or the other.

I wrote a "timeline of the breakdown of the marriage" in response to an interrogatory and it ended up being 17 pages long. Remembering all those hurtful details has definitely put me in a less favoring view of W after what she has done.

But just last week I had read through 3 years of her personal journal, and I felt pity and compassion for her.

So I have warring emotions going on myself now, and I structure that by focusing on what I know is important and having faith that the other things will work themselves out - because I have to worry about controlling the things I can, and letting the things I can't handle themselves.