I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[1853dave]

PDT,

I've been learning not to count on anything....!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I met with my W tonight to separate finances. That was tough. We got to talking more and she said she was now dating (not sleeping) with OM and that I should start dating too.

Although it probably doesn't matter anymore, I find her use of the word "now" laughable, and can assure you with 100% confidence that she is lying to you about the physical relationship.

SCRIPT. I hope you answered her "No, I take my marriage vows seriously, and that wouldn't be right until after the divorce is final."

Puppy

[1853dave]

PDT,

sigh....you were right. We had counseling yesterday with the DB counselor. Long story shot, W said she has really noticed a lot of change in me, and appreciates it, but in spite of that then said that she has decided to continue on with the divorce. I was crushed - still am. I didn't sleep a wink last night, very agonizing. I don't know if her speaking to the friend contributed or not, I have no idea.

I'm suddenly so lost. My DB Counselor said I have been doing things right...but to keep doing them, and do not pursue. I thought I was doing pretty well...

This really sucks. She seems so blind to it all. I'm so tired, anmd I feel sick inside.

I'm waiting for a miracle.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm so sorry, Dave.

Just remember, she can just as easily change her mind again. But as I'm sure your C told you, you have to start living as if she's not.

Puppy

[1853dave]

All she sees is the bad...the past. She "appreciates" the new me, but wants to "go our separate ways". There are no separate ways with two children. They will be devastated if this goes through. I am so hurt right now. She even stated it so easily - like she was choosing to buy a set of tires or something.

I don't know if there is anything I can do. She's the ONLY one who wants this, in our family, and extended families. She has shut out her mother - won't speak to her; same with her brother. Same with my family. She has shut everyone out, except her venemous friends. MY children are stuck in it too - and they have no say in it at all. That is a shame. She truly believes that life will be better being divorced. How stupid and short-sighted is that?


She says she is done trying. We've only been to counseling 3 times, and we've only been communicating for about 7 weeks. She said she made up her mind long ago.

She has no more love for me - except like a brother - her words.

Is there any hope?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

All she sees is the bad...the past. She "appreciates" the new me, but wants to "go our separate ways". There are no separate ways with two children. They will be devastated if this goes through. I am so hurt right now. She even stated it so easily - like she was choosing to buy a set of tires or something.

I don't know if there is anything I can do. She's the ONLY one who wants this, in our family, and extended families. She has shut out her mother - won't speak to her; same with her brother. Same with my family. She has shut everyone out, except her venemous friends. MY children are stuck in it too - and they have no say in it at all. That is a shame. She truly believes that life will be better being divorced. How stupid and short-sighted is that?

Dave,

Let it be stipulated that yes, "It is stupid and short-sighted." There. Feel better?

It's also entirely SCRIPT.

Why do left-behind spouses spend all of our energies trying to figure out the "WHY" of it all, instead of working on the "HOW"? HOW can I make my own life better, HOW can I help my kids get thru this, HOW can I discover what my own boundaries of personal integrity are (and HOW can I learn to lovingly but firmly enforce them), etc., etc., etc.

Please stop trying to make sense of the senseless. Her brain is awash with chemicals right now, and they ain't for you. In fact, YOU are currently the source of all of her problems, and all of her pain.

Nice, huh?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be flippant -- I know you're hurting, and I have been there too. And YES, there IS hope, but you can't control it. All YOU can do is work on YOU, and be there for your kids.

This is her journey to screw up or make. For us men, who are naturally "fixers," I know that sukks. But it's true.

Puppy

[MrNiceGuy]

All she sees is the bad. ... She's the ONLY one who wants this, in our family, and extended families. She has shut out her mother - won't speak to her; same with her brother. Same with my family. She has shut everyone out, except her venemous friends. She truly believes that life will be better being divorced. How stupid and short-sighted is that?
... She says she is done trying. She said she made up her mind long ago. ... She has no more love for me.

WOW! This rings the same as my situation. My W and her girlfriend have been collaborating for some time now, helping each other to see the greener grass and now I see that W has subscribed to a service for legal forms. I expect that both W and her girlfriend will have D papers filed within a week. It's like they're feeding off of each others misery and making a pact to cut all ties together.

Dave - your W's "go our separate ways" comment is harsh but it also helps me to not get my hopes up and re-focus on my independence. I absolutely hate this, especially for my young son's sake, but I'm having to fall back on Puppy's comments to get some (difficult) perspective.

Unfortunately, I'm printing out Puppy's comments to keep with me at all times as a reference: 'It's entirely SCRIPT.' 'Please stop trying to make sense of the senseless. Her brain is awash with chemicals right now, and they ain't for you. In fact, YOU are currently the source of all of her problems, and all of her pain.'

My observation is that my W finds things on a daily basis to be critical about me (true or not), tells her friends that she is mad at me for everything and that I have no appeal to her anymore, but then tells me that she has no animosity towards me and hopes we can be friends after all of this. BULLS**T! She's lying her *ss off, conspiring against me, and making plans with OM, manipulating everything so that she can sleep better at night.

I am angry, I am sad, I am panicked, and I haven't practiced separating myself emotionally enough times and enough weeks to be comfortable with the roller coaster. I want to control, and put her in her place, and do something that justifies my position - but my coach says DON'T DO IT! AHH!


PUPPY- thanks for the tough love.

DAVE- my sympathies. Now let's both of us get a grip on ourselves and re-establish ourselves as the men and fathers that we should be! We can't help her at this time, but we can certainly set a better example for our kids of how to handle major setbacks (and opportunities) in life. I'm going to ask myself right now - "What is the opportunity here for me?" and see what answers come back.


-Brian

[1853dave]

That's a good point, BrianR. We can't help her at this time. It's a shame she won't help herself. It'll be hard to continue to show the changes after this - I don't feel like being nice and friendly. She is ripping the family apart for selfish personal reasons.

[MrNiceGuy]

I completely agree - there is a lot of motivation for us to change, but up to a point of reason. Were our changes really for ourselves, or for the purpose of getting her to come back? I think we both know the answer, but we also need to translate it to be valuable to us.

I don't feel like being nice and friendly either, which is really hard. Distance (go dim) and distraction (exercise, Meetup.com) seem to help me a lot, but I still have to try very, very hard not to immediately respond to e-mails without letting it roll off first, or keeping the face-to-face conversations to a minimum. It's become like a business negotiation with her with no apparent thought of the impact of her actions. I feel like I need to protect my son, yet her maternal instincts tell her to do the same. She doesn't realize she's gone crazy, but at the same time, I haven't learned how to live independently again - yet. I will.

Keep strong, my friend. We can and will do this - because we have no choice but to learn and then live again.

[MrNiceGuy]

I just got done watching the movie WANTED. I love the last line of the movie...


"This is me taking back control of my life. What have you done lately?"