We had a heated discussion late afternoon about my ability to provide for my family, which given the circumstances I did not think I deserved to be chastised for.
As an IT contractor work is either feast or famine, that is the nature of the work. As I have said in previous posts my stress levels would rise when I knew any contract I was in was coming to an end, and this would involve me being moody, miserable and downright negative. My wife would attempt to cheer me up or make suggestions about going to night school to learn another trade to fall back on when work was short, but I never did which was mentioned yesterday. She said I had no "get up and go" but as I write this post it is 7.10am in the morning and I am always in work by 6.50am when I do not start until 8.30am. We do not have any loans apart from the mortgage, the credit card bill and all bills are paid in FULL every month, we drive two cars which are paid for and we have small savings in the bank. We take a skiing holiday every year and spend two weeks in Greece during the summer. I would say we are very lucky to be in this position, but my wife complains about the amount of work she has to do, the extra work she does in the evenings and during the day. She does not feel I provide enough for her so that she can cut down on her hours, which makes me feel quite sad as I am trying to do the best I can. I do not know if this something she can beat me with as another 'reason' for wanting out of the marriage, but I really do not think we do too bad, but my confidence takes a dip especially at the moment when she says things like this. I then get frustrated and try to think of ways to earn more, but I cannot see where at the moment, especially with the credit crunch. My present role finishes tomorrow and I am frantically looking for a new role. Maybe this is why she is disillusioned as the career I have could be construed to her as 'flakey' and not consistent. She has mentioned this many times in the past, but I have not taken heed. I bought some postcards to offer my services as a computer repair man which I will put in shops etc, when I told her this she said "why didn't you do this before". I suppose this could be deemed as a 180 in trying to take some initiative.
Just to let you know we had the first quiet night in a long time, though she did go out. But up to that point there were no discussions about R, the only thing mentioned was child benefit but this conversation was finished with very quickly. I kept a very cheery mood and I said I hoped my wife had a nice evening doing facials, manicures for her friends to earn a bit more extra money.
The one observation I have noticed lately is my wife seems to be letting slip things like the monthly bills. At the beginning of each month I would give her a cheque for the bills etc, and then mid month we would pay the Visa bill. Neither of this things have been addressed by my wife, I can only assume her mind is elsewhere, or she might be trying to see if I am going to mention it and take a little more control.
What do you think?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/26/0907:24 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I desperately want to save my marriage, though my wife seems to be detaching from ME at the moment, rather than me detaching from her. The present strategy is trying to reduce negativity and conflict, step 1 in attempting to reconcile. This also allows for a better atmosphere in the house for the children. I do find your line about respect being tied in with love. If this is the case what would be the way to attempt ro rebuild respect and trust without disturbing the atmosphere? I only have one more week before I move out so anything I can do needs to be done ASAP. As my wife appears to be detaching me and one of our problems was neglectful behaviour by me, what will be the best strategy for when I move out? If I attempt no interaction with her unless it pertains to the children it will be seen as more of the same.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/26/0909:55 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I have thought long and hard about this. I do not wish t disrupt the children in any way. I have asked them subtley what would happen if they lived away from the house? They said they loved it there and would be very sad, and I do not want to jeopordise their happiness at the moment because unfortunately they have been present when we haved rowed and I am not prepared to put them through this anymore.
I am focusing on the children now and me, as the advice I have received says to forget her, what she says, what she does because I cannot control that. It may come across as being weak, but whereas my wife is acting selfishly because she now wants "me time", I am putting my children first as this is something I did not do in the past. I think there is a secret agenda here, but I have spent too much time snooping and trying to find evidence of an EA/PA/OP but I have found nothing and I want to move forward for their sakes and mine with as little disruption as possible. It certainly suits my wife's requirements, but I do not really care what she does, and if I am not there I do not have to keep wondering what is going on. It will probably be 'out of sight, out of mind' for her but as divorce is her driven passion what I do at the moment does not make any difference anyway.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/26/0912:01 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I desperately want to save my marriage, though my wife seems to be detaching from ME at the moment, rather than me detaching from her.
I tend to agree.
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The present strategy is trying to reduce negativity and conflict, step 1 in attempting to reconcile.
Ahh, the Appeasement Strategy. It rarely works. How do YOU feel it's working for you?
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This also allows for a better atmosphere in the house for the children.
On any given day, yes -- appeasement does appear to resemble "peace." But in the LONG run, peace is not defined as the absence of conflict, and you are teaching your children lessons I don't believe you really want them to learn.
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I only have one more week before I move out so anything I can do needs to be done ASAP.
Then don't move out. This is the ONE thing that EVERY person posting to you has agreed upon; why are YOU moving out if your goals are to minimize the disruption to the children's lives, to maintain your own dignity, and to have an opportunity to live out before your wife's eyes some sort of "new & improved Mark"? None of those seem conducive to moving out, so I don't know why you're doing it other than to give in to your wife once again.
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As my wife appears to be detaching me and one of our problems was neglectful behaviour by me, what will be the best strategy for when I move out? If I attempt no interaction with her unless it pertains to the children it will be seen as more of the same.
I guess this all depends on whether you see your wife's current "grievances" -- in her current walkaway state of mind -- as being legitimate and sincere, or if you view them as cheeseless tunnels and hoop-jumping which you cannot possibly hope to fulfill. I FULLY believe it's the latter, so all of my advice is coming from this perspective, so you may want to discard all of it if you feel your wife is sincere about wanting you to improve and to work on the marriage.
Mark, I'm not trying to mean, but frankly I don't see ANYTHING you're doing, WORKING. So what do you have to lose by trying a different approach? Please re-read my post to you from yesterday, and apply that suggested new standard -- the "What is the RIGHT THING to do?" -- to the events of the past 24 hours.
I think you'll come to some different conclusions.
You are right in saying the Appeasement Strategy is/has not working/worked because it isn't/hasn't. My initial reasons for appeasement were validation to allieviate negativity, and, if I am being honest to try to get my wife to respond to me in hope of reconcilliation. I now see this, and the other strategies I have used has not been successful either, also my continual badgering of her friends and her finding out about some lies I told have, I believe, pushed her out of the door forever. I understand these strategies take time, but she is so focused and determined to end our marriage, and also she has built this inpenetrable around her which cannot be breached.
I have to think about the children and me and will not care what she thinks or does.
Out of curiousity, why would she be detaching from me? Is this finality on her part as she has not at any stage tried to talk about our relationship - it is as though she has just turned a switch off.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/26/0902:40 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Out of curiousity, why would she be detaching from me? Is this finality on her part as she has not at any stage tried to talk about our relationship - it is as though she has just turned a switch off.
Think of a child with their fingers stuck in their ears, making loud "nyah-nyah-nyah" noises and saying "I'M NOT LISTENING . . . I CAN'T HEAR YOU . . . "
She probably doesn't want to let any FACTS (shared family history, wisdom of running away from her problems vs. trying to solve them, commitment to her wedding vows, etc.) stand in the way of what her EMOTIONS are telling her right now, and that is to FLEE.
Fairly or unfairly, when someone is in this wayward state, they will make YOU the source of ALL of their problems, all of their anxiety, all of their pain. YOU are responsible for the demise of the marriage, YOU are responsible for not "hearing her" when she supposedly reached out to you (questionable; you're expected to be a mindreader), YOU are responsible for pushing her even further away these past few months. Hell, you are even responsible for the crisis in Gaza, the budget deficit and the fact we haven't found a cure yet for Alzheimer's.
Get it now?
I think you will be surprised at how she reacts if you truly "drop the rope," take a stand for your own integrity, and begin to emotionally move on. But do NOT merely do it as some gambit, some technique. You have to truly be ready to begin to emotionally walk down the Path that is The Rest of Your Life, without her.
I'm sorry -- I know this sucks. But it's your only chance, in my opinion.
Sorry I haven't been around much - h problems! I'll be away for a while now.
Just a quick note to say, that reducing negative feelings is not appeasement. It is not rising to or engaging in the argument, two quite separate things - therfore reinforcing her negative feelings. You are still quite able to be firm and set boundaries whilst doing this.
Also, Michelle says that you should try things for at least two weeks before deciding something does not work. As I see it, the blow ups were getting less and less. Anyway, Puppy is right that you should do what you think is right. Keep in mind that you can't control your wife and probably not a lot is going to work at this early stage. You need to decide whether you are in this for the long haul - even then there are no promises but DBing is a pretty amazing tool.
You have a tendency to be negative, keep up your PMA it will be invaluable to you. Good luck with the job contracts.
Sorry I haven't been around much - h problems! I'll be away for a while now.
Just a quick note to say, that reducing negative feelings is not appeasement. It is not rising to or engaging in the argument, two quite separate things - therfore reinforcing her negative feelings. You are still quite able to be firm and set boundaries whilst doing this.
Very true -- good point!
The difference is UPON WHICH HILLS do you make your stands. If it's stupid little stuff, then let it go. If she is doing something that disrespects you, is harmful to your children, or in any way violates your own personal integrity, then call her on it and stand your ground. Don't be an ass, but don't put up with disrespect, either. But yeah, the little stuff you can just let it slide in the interest of peace.
