Up until this past fall (18 months or so post bomb), I would have taken ex back---no questions asked. I would have tried to be SuperWoman---SuperWife, SuperMom---in order to keep him happy. I would have taken on all the blame and tried to change everything about myself that he complained about and put up with his crap in order to keep him home.
I have been thinking about this (about myself of course) for the last few days... a lot. Jack made me laugh when he made a comment about me taking responsibility for everything. A few days later...while it is still a funny comment, it is not as funny to me! It is sad. I, too, tried to be superwoman...and when what I did didn't "work" I just tried the same thing harder! Like, those words didn't work...so I'll use different (and more, more, MORE!) words. I couldn't see that I was doing nothing to change the dynamic that just doesn't work between the 2 of us.
He did text me today. Just a simple "How are you doing?" I said "Great! Thanks." He told me he was working tonight and I wished him well and said I'd see him this weekend (son's b-day dinner). And guess what? My phone is in my purse and if he had anything to say to that I guess I will see it tomorrow. I don't feel angry..I am coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't really my right to think that I had any claim to his personal life. I think about what OT said about "fair" and I see that I was looking for fair. Life ain't so, is it?
I guess I will continue to wonder why so many marriages break up...there are many people on here that I really thought had such a shot at reconciliation and I end up shocked when the "it's really over" post pops up.
I must be getting stronger though... my support group has moved on! : ) That's cool-- I know ya'll will be back the next time I shake my crazymaker...
Just kidding. I am looking at it like a relapse of some sort. I am in day 4 of honesty and integrity. Oh, and that is just something I need to prove to myself.... do not be alarmed! Not a statistic I plan to share with a certain someone. It has also occured to me lately that he knows who I am. I don't need to keep jumping up and down wanting him to notice me and my changes. The changes have been in place for a long enough time. He knows.
