Alright, Tom, I want you to understand how big I think this is. For me. I lied for a long time about the affairs. Then I admitted to them and for a time that was it. Counseling helped me figure out the reasons. You are right that there is no justification. 100%, I totally agree. But *I* think the huge thing here is that she is willing to talk about it with you. And even though it's not justified, you DO need to understand what got her to that place, so that you can do everything within YOUR power to make dang sure she doesn't go down it again. She may hang some of this one on you. But you can make FOR SURE that she can't hang ANY of the next one on you. The next one will be ALL totally her problem.
I think this is a huge step and didn't want you to lose sight of it. Time will tell of course if she is being honest, but I think she is. Otherwise, what is the purpose of opening up not just YOUR old hurts, but all of HER old hurts, insecurities, and shame, too.
Good job, bub. Happy for you.
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for the post. I appreciate the viewpoint of the female perspective and especially from someone who's been there.
Right now I have a problem with the motive for why she's "changed" her mind. I've been dealing with this crap for 3 years now. I've often wondered if she's in MLC a little early. If not, what happens when she turns 40? Am I destined to re-live this crap again. My C thinks so and so does another lady at another BB who went through a MLC.
She has hinted that there were some expectations that she placed upon me that went unfulfilled. Some of those led to her "acting out." In the past she has blamed me for being emotionally unavailable when she needed me most and that led to "mentally" leaving the M. Last night, she blamed me for nothing. But I expect to hear some things in the future. I need to hear something; otherwise I cannot remedy what I do that causes her to feel the way she has felt.
Specifically she stated that things were fine when I moved her down here to her hometown. but after several months, when I couldn't provide her with the lifestyle that other women out here were living; she started to hold resentments for that. She told me that she knows now how shallow that is; and she doesn't hold me to blame.
I told her that these two women she spoke of; are not exactly happy in their lives. I can tell by the body language between them and their husbands. I can tell by the way that they talk to me. If I was a snake in the grass and knowing what I know now; these women are vulnerable for their own A's.
Anyway, I appreciate your support. I applaud you being here and sharing your point of view. Many of the LBH's need ladies like yourself to guide us.
Please keep up with me; I need to catch up on your thread.
BTW, I'm a former AD Air Force guy and current ANG. Looking to retire in less than a year. YAY!!!
