Alright, Tom, I want you to understand how big I think this is. For me. I lied for a long time about the affairs. Then I admitted to them and for a time that was it. Counseling helped me figure out the reasons. You are right that there is no justification. 100%, I totally agree. But *I* think the huge thing here is that she is willing to talk about it with you. And even though it's not justified, you DO need to understand what got her to that place, so that you can do everything within YOUR power to make dang sure she doesn't go down it again. She may hang some of this one on you. But you can make FOR SURE that she can't hang ANY of the next one on you. The next one will be ALL totally her problem.
I think this is a huge step and didn't want you to lose sight of it. Time will tell of course if she is being honest, but I think she is. Otherwise, what is the purpose of opening up not just YOUR old hurts, but all of HER old hurts, insecurities, and shame, too.
Good job, bub. Happy for you.
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for the post. I appreciate the viewpoint of the female perspective and especially from someone who's been there.
Right now I have a problem with the motive for why she's "changed" her mind. I've been dealing with this crap for 3 years now. I've often wondered if she's in MLC a little early. If not, what happens when she turns 40? Am I destined to re-live this crap again. My C thinks so and so does another lady at another BB who went through a MLC.
She has hinted that there were some expectations that she placed upon me that went unfulfilled. Some of those led to her "acting out." In the past she has blamed me for being emotionally unavailable when she needed me most and that led to "mentally" leaving the M. Last night, she blamed me for nothing. But I expect to hear some things in the future. I need to hear something; otherwise I cannot remedy what I do that causes her to feel the way she has felt.
Specifically she stated that things were fine when I moved her down here to her hometown. but after several months, when I couldn't provide her with the lifestyle that other women out here were living; she started to hold resentments for that. She told me that she knows now how shallow that is; and she doesn't hold me to blame.
I told her that these two women she spoke of; are not exactly happy in their lives. I can tell by the body language between them and their husbands. I can tell by the way that they talk to me. If I was a snake in the grass and knowing what I know now; these women are vulnerable for their own A's.
Anyway, I appreciate your support. I applaud you being here and sharing your point of view. Many of the LBH's need ladies like yourself to guide us.
Please keep up with me; I need to catch up on your thread.
BTW, I'm a former AD Air Force guy and current ANG. Looking to retire in less than a year. YAY!!!
Steve..Thanks, that's good advice. I'll keep that!!
Puppy,
What I worry about the most right now is the frequency of communication. I got really used to never calling her. She initiates 98% of all the communication between us. So going dark was great for me. Maybe a little too good.
Because, I feel awkward. Do I call her now that she wants to date? Or do I still let her initiate? I'd like to step up and just be a decisive male and act like I would with any other female I've dated. But the "rules", if you will, seem SO different in this situation. maybe they're not? I don't want to over pursue; yet I don't want to seem totally uninterested.
Then there is how often do I check her call records? Every day? Once a month? Only if I suspect something suspicious?
This is going to be a whole lot harder than the work I've already done.
I think you should check her call records as often as you need to in order to feel safe in the relationship.
And I would err on the side of LEADING behavior, which would include initiating the dates. She needs to know that "a" you still love her, "b" you are strong enough to get thru this, and "c" you have a Plan.
I agree with Puppy on the Leading. I get the impression that you never really had a chance to "court" her...even in the beginning. That's an exciting part of a dating relationship. The getting to know each other, the wondering whether he'll call, the wondering if he'll ask you out, etc., etc. I think you can make this fun.
When my H moved out the first time, and we tried to work things out, he called about twice a week (after the kids were in bed)and just chatted. Sometimes he asked to see me, sometimes he didn't. I loved it!
I realize your sitch is reversed, but I still think Puppy's right...a girl wants to be led.
And if you can just get access to her records online, then you can check as much as you need without her even knowing how often you look. You don't want to get into a situation where you have to constantly ask her for the info...then she'll feel "controlled." If she doesn't know each time you are checking, she can tell herself that you aren't, and she'll be less likely to harbor resentment about it.
And, this will be harder than the other...I've read some of the piecing threads! But, I sense that you are up for the task...stronger than you realize!
We are all so rooting for you and praying that her heart's in the right place this time!!!!! (((((TOM)))))
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
{{{Tom}}}} Absolutely HOORAY And good for you and it sounds like you have a clear direction and clear expectations..which is a GREAT place to start!
Puppy is right on the money with his advice about the records. My mom, who is a psychologist, told me that she has counseled people who went thru this and answered that question "how often do I check/let them check phone records/emails/whatever" and her answer is "as much as THEY need to feel secure..if it takes you calling if you are going to be 5 minutes late..you have to be willing to do that for the reconciling to work.."
Hugs to you
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
The W came over again last night after picking up the kids from school. I went out again. Strange thing happened though; my S8 called me. He has never called me when I've been out. He wanted to know when I was coming home. I just found that strange.
As my W was leaving last night; our D5 walked up to her and and wanted her to tell me that she loved me. She demanded it at least three times. I got a chuckle from it; but also realized that even at 5 she is aware of something.
W looked at me and said that she didn't want to do that; so that the kids wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't work out. I agreed.
It's early in the process of this stage and I'm not sure how I'm to proceed. In that I mean; it's like.. do I call or don't I call? Just like when you first meet someone.
So I made the decision a little bit ago that I would just text her and ask how she's feeling today, as she said she felt awful when she left last night. She replied almost immediately and said that she felt better; and must've needed rest. We exchanged 3 TMs each and I ended it. She thanked me for asking and we shared a little inside humor from early in our relationship.
Now, I just think I'll leave her alone for the rest of the day unless she contacts me. I just realized that was my first inane conversation that I've started with her in a long time.
Yeah, I would think dating your spouse would be difficult but well worth it. Take it slow. You could always discuss ground rules with her to see where she is coming from. You already have a lot going for you.
I am glad that you both are willing to give it a shot. Sometimes that is more than most of us can wish for.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
