The adventure continues

[AFWAW]

OMG Mel,
I am so, so, so devastated right now. She called again and said she is not right now and needs to get right and do some more thinking. I don't think she will ever tell me. She will have to tell me if she comes back. She'll have to. She came over to give my daughter something and asked me for a hug. She took the dog for the night. My daughter and I went to church after that and I couldn't stay. We left early. I lost it on the way home. I can't stop crying. This is gonna be a long night. How could she do this? What has she done that is so bad that she can't look at herself? I told myself I could forgive her and I can but how can I ever trust another woman again if she doesn't come back? It's like I'm back to where I was in the beginning when I started on this board.

Who knows what she did? I have so many evil thoughts running through my head right now about what may have happened. She did tell me she got drunk--I wonder if that made it easier for her to sleep with other men? If she has another man now he is more patient than I am as she calls everyday including the mornings and is a little too available for another man to tolerate right now I think. I do think something happened though. I am so miserable right now and so so tired of crying. I'll probably be up all night again. I already told her I would forgive her--why can't she accept that? I know why--she doesn't love me. If she does this and divorces me then I will have to be cold-hearted toward her. It will be so painful to do but I will have to so that I can survive. I don't deserve this. I am so sorry for everything. I wish I hadn't gone to Iraq. I wish I was smarter. I wish so many things. Why is this getting more painful?