OH NO, OMG what a horrible, horrible phone call I just had from her. She said there is someone at work that may be interested in buying our house. I said I'm not interested in selling right now--she said, well how are you affording it. I said don't worry about it I am. She said, well aren't you going to sell it? I said that depends. She said depends on what? I said a lot of things. She said us? I said yes. She said I don't think I'm going to change my mind. I said ok, why? She said I've done bad things. I said like what? She said stuff that I don't want to talk about. I said why not? She said its just real bad and I don't deserve you. I said what an affair, a one night stand, what are we talking about here? I said it's unfair for you to speculate what you think I deserve or don't deserve. Why don't you let me make my own decisions. I said, how do you know it won't work out? She said I know you. I told her she would never know unless she came clean and we could talk about it. OMG--I AM SO FREAKING DEVESTATED RIGHT NOW---I THINK SHE SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE--oh no, what if its more than just one person? She said she couldn't even look at herself. Oh no, I cannot think straight. She said God won't even forgive me. I told her God would forgive anyone. She said you won't forgive me. I said you'll never know until you try. I told her before if it was an affair I would forgive her.
She said it's not that easy, I have obligations. I said what, your apartment? She said yes. I told her if she really wanted to get out of her apartment lease, she could. She said I don't think I could. I said you'll never know unless you try. She said I don't know if I love you like that anymore. Then why the freak do you keep calling me and wanting to go out on dates with me. Why are you kissing me and telling me that you still love me and don't want a divorce right now? She said I don't know. I've got some stuff to work out. I said what? She said some stuff in my mind. I said ok, fine work it out. She said I like my lifestyle, I like the way I live now. Started on the cleaning for one, cooking for one, etc.
I did break down a little bit, I won't lie. It was a horrible, horrible, horrible phone call. She had another call from work she said and had to go--she said she would call me back but I doubt she will.
Why did she do something so bad? Has she slept with one man, two men, 10 men? I don't know. I am so beside myself right now. What the hell am I going to do? Why won't this woman talk to me. Why is she doing this to us? What makes people so evil? I cannot think straight. Someone please help me
Last edited by AFWAW; 03/25/0911:25 PM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
If you have it in you....IF YOU HAVE IT IN YOU. Try harder to get her to tell you the truth. There are a lot things we (as humans) think. We think we can't forgive affairs, but some of us do. We think we can't forgive drinking, but some of us do. The important thing...MOST important thing...*to me* is for her to tell her story. All of it. You DO need to know what happened. Try your very very very hardest to be gentle and not yelling. Tell her all that matters is her being open and honest. That you don't know what the future holds. But you know that you love her, and that yeah, something did happen, but that if it is possible to work through it, and if she is interested, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE BITTER END UNLESS SHE MAKES IT SO. SHE needs that book, "Broken Open" This is a road she had to go down. The thing is, does she learn something from it? Does she become a better person for it? You can actually have a better marriage AFTER something like this if you can just appreciate each other more, change some things, JUST BE FRIGGIN HONEST WITH EACH OTHER (which I think is the hardest *for everyone* because we are so caught up in pleasing everyone else. If you have it in you, give her a way back in. God does forgive. Remember the old story about casting stones???
Ugh. I am sick for you, but you have an opportunity here to be a VERY BIG MAN if you want to be.
(((hugs))) and prayers.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
PS. She said obligationS. It makes me wonder if she didn't...just have sex but fall in love and think they were gonna run off in the sunset together. Maybe she promised him she would divorce you and now she feels obligated to that. I know, we are such stupid women sometimes.....if you don't pressure her in regards to the OM, you will come out the winner, trust me. Because right now, most likely, HE is pressuring her...and you can see how she is responding to that because she is calling YOU.
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
OMG Mel, I am so, so, so devastated right now. She called again and said she is not right now and needs to get right and do some more thinking. I don't think she will ever tell me. She will have to tell me if she comes back. She'll have to. She came over to give my daughter something and asked me for a hug. She took the dog for the night. My daughter and I went to church after that and I couldn't stay. We left early. I lost it on the way home. I can't stop crying. This is gonna be a long night. How could she do this? What has she done that is so bad that she can't look at herself? I told myself I could forgive her and I can but how can I ever trust another woman again if she doesn't come back? It's like I'm back to where I was in the beginning when I started on this board.
Who knows what she did? I have so many evil thoughts running through my head right now about what may have happened. She did tell me she got drunk--I wonder if that made it easier for her to sleep with other men? If she has another man now he is more patient than I am as she calls everyday including the mornings and is a little too available for another man to tolerate right now I think. I do think something happened though. I am so miserable right now and so so tired of crying. I'll probably be up all night again. I already told her I would forgive her--why can't she accept that? I know why--she doesn't love me. If she does this and divorces me then I will have to be cold-hearted toward her. It will be so painful to do but I will have to so that I can survive. I don't deserve this. I am so sorry for everything. I wish I hadn't gone to Iraq. I wish I was smarter. I wish so many things. Why is this getting more painful?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
You need to calm down. Do you have any anti-anxiety meds you can take? If not, then PRAY, and I will say a prayer for you as well.
Look: don't let your mind wander all over the place. Chances are very high that this is an affair, with one guy, that got physical, multiple times. She probably also has strong feelings for him. We told you that early on, to prepare yourself for that. As painful as it is, it's good that this is coming out, so you both can deal with it.
Do you have someone locally you can talk to? Spend some time with?
But she's obviously feeling guilt and shame. I'm pretty sure that she still loves you. It seems obvious to me; otherwise she would just leave and not concern you with any of this.
If you want to succeed; you're going to have to grieve without feeling needy and wimpish toward her at this moment. You need to give her the space to get herself together. Unfortunately this HAS to happen. My W and I rushed back into our M after her A last April and it was disastrous. It made things worse than they already were.
I've been where you are and I am on the other side. Now that my W has had her space to do her own introspection; she's indicated a desire to try and come back. I've done the hard work on me. You have to get yourself to a point where you are happy with yourself and your happiness doesn't depend on "being with" her.
Again, I reiterate; the fact that she's clued you in on her shame and guilt means that she still feels something.
Oh, and the comments about she doesn't deserve you; that's script as well. I heard it from my W.
She can't accept you forgiving her because she can't forgive herself. It has nothing to do with you loving her/not loving her, or forgiving/not forgiving her. Okay, maybe a little, but she is pushing you away because she doesn't think you will forgive her. She is doing what she thinks is best for you. I *think* I can almost tell you what she is thinking. Let's just say she did get drunk and sleep with someone. She is ashamed. She probably thinks she doesn't deserve your love. You deserve someone better than her because she doesn't think she can stay faithful. You don't deserve the pain she is causing you and she is SAVING you from more pain (her mind, remember). I think you did good to tell her to let YOU decide if you will forgive her or not. She feels unworthy of your love and she probably feels like she will never be able to look you in the face again. There are a million other things going through her head I think. I agree with you that I think it is probably over because no one else would accept her being with you so much.
There are a million scenarios for what could have happened. I wouldn't play them in your head until she tells you for sure.
Melissa
At least, in the light of the truth, although it is harder now...she will hopefully be able to embrace some change.
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
No, I don't have anybody locally I can talk to and don't have any meds. I'm drinking a beer right now and am trying to remain calm. It's hard though. I know you told me to prepare for it. I'm just so tired right now. I want to hate her but I just cannot. I know I'm stronger than this. I just didn't see it coming.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
And yes, what Puppy said, call your C first thing in the morning and set up an appt. And Tom is right, too. She does still love you or she woulda been long gone already.
All is not lost yet. There are plenty of people who have come back from this. I promise.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
