Don't feel bad. I'm glad someone actually spelled it out for me. Nobody really seemed to have too much of an opinion other than "Get a lawyer". With your response, I felt like some of our situation is similar and you had your reasons for telling me what you did.
I've been trying to live in denial all this time and your response made me have to really think about it.
Sorry to ask so many questions, but did you go to several lawyers, and did they all offer free initial consultations?
And what is a retainer fee? Something you have to pay them just so they will be your lawyer?
I am so naive when it comes to this - it will certainly be a learning experience.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
You need to ask for a free consultation, they usually don't offer that up. I bought "Divorce for Dummies" and its a good reference but you need to talk with L so you can get informed about your state laws. I don't want a D either but do want to protect myself as my W is not thinking much the last 6 months either. Good luck!
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
H called again tonight. This time I answered. He asked how I was doing and I said good. Then he mentioned that he called me the other weekend and he was going to go to church with me. (Oh, how I would love that, but now that I am writing it I guess he just assumes that I want him to go with me even though he's having an A......What would God want me to do in this situation???)
Anyway, I told him "You didn't leave a message. We already talked about this. When you call and don't leave a message I don't know if you misdialed or what the case is"
(As I was saying all that I thought that maybe I should have just been like "Oh really?" and pretend I didn't know. Best to leave it simple rather than go into long explanations.)
So anyways, we debated about church and religion as he's always struggled with it and still is struggling. He's been going to a different church which I have been to before. If anyone can pray for him, please do. Please open his heart and mind to the Lord.....
After we talked about that he mentioned that he wanted to call and say "Hi" and then went on about how he may be getting a job. Then he started asking me how I was, how my family was, etc. Right after he told me he wanted to call and say "Hi" I was gathering my thoughts for what I wanted to say. So I wasn't really responding to his questions or statements. Finally he asked "What's wrong, did I say something wrong? Did I hurt your feelings?" This is how the rest of the conversation went:
Me: No, you didn't hurt my feelings.
H: Then what's wrong?
Me: H, I just don't know what this conversation is all about. You called to say "Hi" but I told you that I don't want to talk to you while you're having an affair. As much as I miss you and like to talk to you, you're still having an affair.
H: I'm working on it, I've got to straighten some things out.
Me: H, it doesn't take brain surgery to figure out what you need to do. Obviously you don't want to hurt OW, but guess what, you've already hurt your wife.
H: I'm sorry.
Me: Your actions are speaking louder than your words, although you haven't really said much either. You continue to disrespect me. It's showing me where your priorities are. You called to say "Hi" today and then next week you'll call to say "Hi" and then the following week you'll call to say "Hi". And then pretty soon we're back to where we started.
H: Ok, fine then I'll go straighten my life out right now.
Me: It's not about straightening out your life with the snap of the fingers - I realize this can't be done. But it's about respecting me.
H: Fine, I'm sorry I called.
Me: Don't be sorry you've called, be sorry you're not making the choice to respect me.
H: Ok, I'll let you go.
Me: Ok, good bye.
!!!!!!!!!!
I think I did well. Or so I hope. Maybe not as well as I could have, but certainly better than last time we talked on the phone.
Last edited by Belle; 03/26/0912:34 AM.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Me: H, I just don't know what this conversation is all about. You called to say "Hi" but I told you that I don't want to talk to you while you're having an affair. As much as I miss you and like to talk to you, you're still having an affair.
. . . as was this:
Quote:
H: Fine, I'm sorry I called.
Me: Don't be sorry you've called, be sorry you're not making the choice to respect me.
H: Ok, I'll let you go.
Me: Ok, good bye.
THIS is the fertile middle ground that so many others are struggling to plow! NOT enabling or in any indicating that you "are okay" with what he's doing, but not b*tchy or mean either. Just loving statements of FACT. Bravo.
Do I really know this man? I don't feel like I do. The man I know wouldn't be lying to me and deceiving me.
But, I do have a gut feeling about how he will react.
I have this sneaking suspicion that he is going to come to me (if he does) with half-a$$ed enthusiasm, and look to me for answers: "Well, I want to work on this, but I'm not sure it's going to work, but we can see how it goes, and what should we do to work on it?"
He says I act motherly but perhaps it's because he acts like a boy, not a man. So when I act motherly, he acts even less like a man, and it is a vicious cycle.
I could be all wrong about what he is going to do, perhaps he will just stay with OW. But, I know he is unhappy. In our phone conversation yesterday, I told him that I was happy despite what was going on in my life because I have God and I know there is a plan for my future. He sounded shocked when I told him that I am happy, and told me I must be living in a fantasy world (or something of that nature)!
What a jerk!
I guess he thinks my world should be falling apart since my adulterous husband left me.
If he does come to me with this half a$$ed enthusiasm, do you have any suggestions on what to say?
Other than I deserve his 100% and a positive attitude that we WILL work it out?
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I have been going to Divorce Care at my church. I have pretty much told my story about how I finally figured out for sure after 8 months that H is having an affair, and then I told them that I have confronted him and told him that I don't want to talk to him while he is having an affair.
This last weeks video was about how the Bible says there are 2 legitimate grounds for divorce - adultery and a non believing spouse who has abandoned you.
I have both critera, so according to God's word, I have His blessing to divorce. (If you can call it that)
But here I am. Of course I told him my boundaries, but like you said Puppy, what is my next step?????
The leader of the Divorce Care group is a very nice man. Today he pulled me aside after church and said that there is a program for those that are unsure of whether they want a divorce. (My H has said he's unsure about whether he wants a D. Perhaps he is just saying that b/c he is a coward and doesn't want to deal with the fact that he does, but you never know.) You have to go through the program as a couple. You watch these DVDs and have a workbook and do "homework". There are 5 DVDs and you usually watch one a week.
Basically what happens is you go to the first session and watch a DVD and then basically my H and I are presented with a "Promise" plan. (I don't know if that's what it's really called). But it's this list of things we will put on hold for the next 5 weeks while we go through this program. Most notably, "I will not "cheat" ". (It's put much better than that, but I can't remember things very well). This 1st session is almost like an intervention......And then this 5 week program is basically to help you determine if you want a divorce and presents aspects of divorce that you may not even think of.
In my mind, this will help H actually "deal" with this situation and his life. So far, he hasn't done this.
I don't know if I am explaining this very well. I am sure that people will say "Don't do that, you'll be pressuring him, pursuing him, etc......" And I'll be helping him and saving him from his mess that he's made.
But I think it's a good idea. The man that presented this to me said he's been praying about it for the last 2 days. He wasn't sure if he should presesnt it to me or not.
The fact that he did, makes me believe that it is God's plan.
If H does not agree to go, or will not sign the "Promise" plan at the end of the 1st session, then that's a sign from God.....
I can so see him freaking out by this.........
I have a feeling he will be very defensive.
Thoughts?
Puppy, please be easy on me!!
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
