WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

I want to give you another example (and I apologize in advance for being very blunt, but I really have no idea how I can be less drastic to get through to CIPA). I have read a few posts of CIPA on other people's threads. They usually start with a sentence like "I understand your situation...", and then he rattles on with his own situation. If he does the same thing to his W, of course, she does not feel understood and respected.

The only way to make her feel safe, to take away her fear is to approach her without an agenda, like a true friend who listens, validates her feelings and offers help. How about something like "I understand you feel hurt about what I have done. I wish I would not have done all these things. How can I help you feel more comfortable?" And then do whatever she is asking for. You can even hug her lightly or hold her hand, once you have truly connected with each other. But something like "I understand you are hurt. But the victims of a D will be the kids." for sure turns her off. I am exaggerating, but that is how I sense those conversations are going.

As long as CIPA has those thoughts like "I do not want a divorce. She destroys our family. I love her, so why can't she get over the past hurt?", he will always be in attack mode when he talks to her. When he is in attack mode, showing compassion is impossible.

However, her problem is the past. And we can't change that.

I am not really sure her problem is the past. Her problem is that she does not see a future with CIPA, because he keeps hurting her, he keeps scratching those old wounds so they start bleeding again and cannot heal. When they talk, CIPA's motivation is not to understand her point of view fully and accept it as her point of view, but to convince her to stay, to stop the D, to stay with the family. I hear that over and over again in his posts, and I just cannot imagine that he turns around 180 degrees when he talks to his W. And I am convinced that his W can sense his motivation better than anything else (an animal can sense your motivation when you walk towards it). Whenever she senses his motivation is own agenda, her defenses are up and she tells the story about the past.

AN

I appreciate all the advice. I will try some of your suggestions

Any thoughts on how to show compassion when she talks about moving out over the next 3 weeks?