My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

Hi there MsM and PM. Thanks again for your kind words. Sometimes I guess we need them more than others. It is a great comfort to be able to come on here and see that kind of support. I had a bad night after my last post yesterday. For the first time in ages I cried openly for a while when I got in to bed. I thought all my tears had been spent a long time ago. Turns out I was wrong. I tried reading to take my mind off things but I just couldn't find the concentration.

When I finally did get to sleep, I had a couple of dreams about my W and I. I guess with so much raw emotion flowing it was inevitable. There's only one I can remember much about and it was of my W telling me that she still loved me but there was no way we could get back together. I woke up hurting from that one.

I do feel a bit better this morning if I'm honest but not as good as I've been recently. There could be a few different reasons for this though. The fact is I'm taking medication right now which in some cases can actually be a depressant. I know that you're all going to say that I'm crazy to be doing that in my current sitch but I made a decision based on what it can do for me in the long run. I've always been bothered with quite a bad complexion. Not too bad but bad enough to make me a bit self concious about it. This medication I'm taking now though has given me the healthiest skin I can remember having since childhood. It's boosting my confidence tenfold and changing the way I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. Yes, the whole depression thing is a bad side effect but it's considered to be incredibly rare to get this. The truth is I believe that my depression right now is just being caused in the old fashioned way.

MsM, you mentioned about me possibly being down because of spending time with my mother. There may be something in that to be honest. One of the things my Mum asked me on Saturday was what we were planning to do about Christmas. I've been trying to avoid thinking about it and it put me in a bit of a downer when she brought it up. I don't want to think about Christmas because in honesty, I want to be well on the road to marriage recovery by then. After all, who knows what the future may bring.

You're also right about my W's crutches MsM. She's always had so many close friends and I can't see that changing any time soon. It's almost like another hurdle for me to clear before I can start reconcilliation. It's been some time since I've actually seen my W on her own. Her friends have almost become like a shield she's surrounded herself with. It felt so awkward yesterday to actually have to ask her if I could have a word in front of all her friends. I was actually looking forward to having a pleasant conversation about Wee Man's Mother's Day present to her and other things.

I did have a great weekend with Wee Man though MsM. It's tough doing it on my own and I always feel slightly upset when I have him because I feel so awful about allowing him to become victim to a broken home so early in his life. He's done nothing to deserve this yet he's being passed around from house to house every week. Poor wee mite.

PM, I am always greatful for the support of other DBers on here. I hate to think where I would be if I'd never found this group. It's kept me hoping and moving forward as much as possible. I still miss having someone to support me at home though. All I need is the occasional shoulder to cry on and soemone to keep me company when I'm feeling lonely. There really is just nobody. I know that sounds pathetic but it's the truth. The one person who might have been able to offer that kind of support is a 26 year old female friend. I refuse to go down that route though as I think that's a prime example of an EA. I will keep coming here for support as always but sometimes it's hard to fight the lonliness from posting on a BB. I'm sure you all understand.

I know what you're saying about trying to find evidence that my W does still love me but I've got a horrible habit of over analysing everything. It's just my nature I'm afraid. Every time I see something which may be a turn around for her, I quickly find another reason for it in my head which isn't as favourable for me. I really am struggling to believe that this is going to work out. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm still going to be DBing my a$$ off for a long time to come but I've lost the light at the end of the tunnel. It now feels like I'm DBing because I just don't know what else to do. Does that make any sense? One thing my W did say yesterday which I don't think I can take any other way than good is that one of her friends who was there yesterday has been staying a lot because she's quite down due to man troubles. My W thought this was fine by her so she had the company. That tells me she doesn't feel like she's able to cope with being alone either. The difference with me is that she doesn't really have to be.

I know I'm overreacting to the partying. It's not like I haven't been out myself. It just makes my mind make up horrible things though. I'm lonely but want my W back. She's lonely but doesn't love me. To me that sounds like a perfect reason for her to seek company in the arms of someone else.

I know I'm backsliding in myself PM. My PMA has taken a beating and my optimism now seems non existent. I do believe however that I am managing to keep all this from my W. When I'm talking with her I think I'm still following DB well. As long as she doesn't see the backslides in me I'm not really hampering my progress in winning her back I suppose.

Anyway, I think I've droned on for long enough. I have to go to the airport soon to pick up the external auditor. That should make a fun few days for me too!! Wish me luck.

Kev

[davidswife]

Kevin,

Mother's Day present? How nice. I didn't know you celebrate it so early - it's second Sunday in May in the U.S.

I would never call you crazy for taking the meds that you are. As long as you're aware that depression is a possible side affect, and you do, and you're keeping that in mind.

Do you attend church at all? That's a great place to find support and also a possible place to make some new friends, and possibly starting some new activities. Just a thought. My church family was/is a huge support to me through everything.

Also, please remember that the main point of DB'ing is to save yourself, grow yourself, improve yourself. In doing that, if your marriage is saved - great. But if not, you're ready to start over.

I hope you have a good day. Keep up the good work.

Stacy

[Can it work]

Hi Stacy

Yeah I discussed this with my DB coach and discovered we have Mother's Day a lot earlier in the UK. I got a plaster cast of Wee Man's hand, one of his foot, and a lovely photo of him and put it in a lovely triple concertina frame. I then let him scribble all over the card I got her so it had a personal touch. Enthusiastic is one word I would definitely not use to describe her reaction. I guess a hangover dulls emotions though.

I don't attend church Stacy. It's not the same sort of community thing as I know it to be in the US. If I started going to church here I'd probably be the only one under 70 in attendance. I'm not a particularly religious person but I do have my beliefs and I even pray on occasion. If there was more of a community spirit involved in the church I would definitely go there for more support. It's a shame there isn't really.

I know that the main point of DBing is saving myself. In general I believe I am growing and improving. I'm not yet able to detatch fully from my marriage though. I am trying but it's still an anchor to me that keeps pulling me back. Right now I still think I need it to work. I'm sure that will pass with time but right now I can't seem to help it. Maybe it's because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find anything in my life that even comes close to replacing the feeling of completeness my marriage gave me. Yes, I've found new pursuits and hobbies but there's still a gaping void left behind from losing my W and the greater percentage of time with Wee Man. I'm at a loss as to how to fill that void. The cold hard fact is that nothing can match it.

I have to go now and get ready because I'm taking my auditor out to dinner tonight. My boss seems to think it will sweeten him up a bit!! We'll see. I'm not really in the mood but I suppose I better make the best of it and enjoy my free meal. Hopefully I'll pop on again later if I'm not too late home.

Kev

[davidswife]

Kevin,

You're so young - I understand your hurt and confusion about what has happened with your wife.

Focus on you and your son. Your wife may try to erase you, but your presence in your son's life is make or break. I don't know if you have that expression there - but it's life or death. Especially since he's a boy - he needs you to be a role model for him. What you NEED to make sure WORKS is your relationship with your son.

I'm sorry the church situation is how you described. Are you sure there is NO church that you could attend for support? FYI - it's better for children to have religion in their upbringing than not. Children need to know to believe in something greater than mere humans.

I don't know - I've raised - am raising four children - and it makes a HUGE difference.

Just my .02 Kev.

Stacy

[Can it work]

Hey Stacy

I don't feel very young right now but thank you for the compliment. This whole sitch has aged me a lot of years I imagine.

I'm fairly sure about the church thing Stacy. There just isn't a young community here supporting the church. It is sad but that's just the way it is. The exception may be the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons but that's not my religion and I have no intention of changing. The best way to describe me is as an unpracticing Christian. Don't worry, I will make sure my son is fully aware of religion and understand that there's a higher power out there. I think I will leave it up to him to chose his own path when he's old enough though. I very much believe in choice and free will.

I always intend to be there for Wee Man as a role model. He is and will always be the most important thing in my life. Nothing which is happening is going to change me on that. Whether my W likes it or not I am always going to be there for the good of our son.

I had a very interesting experience tonight. After I'd been out for dinner, I came home to find my FIL at my door. He'd come past for a quick visit. We opened a bottle of wine and had an absolutely amazing talk about life, the universe and everything. He brought up my R with my W and we talked about things in depth. Not once did I mention trying to win her back though. Nor did I ever mention DBing. I was honest with him but made sure that nothing I said to him would make him think
I was still pursuing my W. It's not that I would necessarily think he would go and tell her but I thought that it would be more healthy if he could go back to her and tell her that I seemed to be doing great on my own. To be honest though, it felt fantastic to be able to talk to someone about it face to face. He was very honest with me in telling me that he hoped we could socialise together more often and that it would come with time. He just thought at the moment everyone was still confused about how they should be acting with me. He also told me he almost wished that I had been the one to break up the M because he might find it easier to deal with. I know exactly what he meant and I'm so glad he was open enough about it with me. He then asked if my W came back with open arms right now would I just drop everything and take her back. I told him absolutely not. If she was to come back to me, I would need to know that it was for real and for the right reasons. To that end we'd need to start from square one. That is honestly what I believe. Yes I'd love her back but not without her convincing me that it's what she really wants and that we wouldn't just be in this exact same position a year from now.

This has all made me feel so much better about everything. I'm going to go to bed tonight with a more positive outlook. I prayed last night and tonight I get the visit from my FIL which makes me feel 100 times better. It makes you think eh? Night night all. Keep smiling.

Kev

[davidswife]

Well, that's great news about the talk w/your FIL. It sounds like that's a relationship that will continue whether your marriage works out or not.

I also applaud your decision to not tell him about your DB'ing efforts - be cautious who you share that with.

You sound much more positive, and part of that was having someone to talk to, I'm sure. Enjoy the days when you are feeling more positive - relish those times.

Have a great day.

Stacy

[Can it work]

Hey there Stacy. Good to hear from you. I appreciate your support.

It's been a tough day today. The audit is going ok at work but it's stressing me out a lot too trying to keep everything in order. It'll be finished by lunchtime tomorrow though and I'll be happy to see the back of the auditor.


I have Wee Man tonight and that's been a bit of a struggle too. My W pays for all the child care costs because she gets the money from the government in benefits. So, she came past a short time after I picked him up to drop the money off. When she was leaving, Wee Man started screaming because he didn't want her to leave. I was gutted to say the least. It was really hard to cope with but I didn't let it show to her.

My Mum came by tonight too and I got emotional again. I'm guessing she brings out the worst in me. I hate being this way. It's been 3 months since my W left now and I feel like I shouldn't still be getting this way. On a plus note, my W has been so friendly lately. Probably been more friendly than I have with her to be honest.

I'm really beginning to wonder if the medication I'm on is making a difference to my moods. In the long run I think it has to be worth it though. Only 3 months to go!!

Kev

[davidswife]

Kev,

Don't beat yourself up about getting emotional. You're suffering a loss, the loss of the marriage you thought you had. You wouldn't be the great person you are if it didn't hurt. Please don't question that.

Why do you think your Mom brings out the worst in you? Do you mean emotionally?

I hope you had/are having, don't know the time there, a good day.

Thinking of you and your WeeMan.

Stacy

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev, it's very normal to be emotional now, like Davidswife said. You are dealing with a great stress is your life, ups and downs now are NORMAL. Just feel, no need to quantify it to be right or wrong. Feel, acknowledge your feelings, use words to tell yourself, e.g. I feel down because my mother's presence reminds me that my W is no longer around. It hurts. Once you acknowledge your feelings, it does get better.

Like I said before you are noticing your W's pursuing behaviors. See where it leads. She has not mentioned D yet, right? Kev, in my book, it's not over till it's over and then there are some who try again e.g. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Stay the course.

[Can it work]

Hey folks.

I think I may have just had an awful backslide in my sitch. I dropped Wee Man back with my W and we talked about the extra night I was asking for with him. She's not willing to back down and it lead in to a bit of an argument. She kept telling me how she wasn't willing to give me an extra night since she was his primary carer. My argument was that she was still going to have him a whole lot more than me and I couldn't see why she was so adamant not to give me that one extra night.

It started off quite well too. She offered me a cup of tea when I arrived and she started asking advice about some problems her friends were having. We were getting on so well and then this. I wish I'd never asked for the extra time because by the time I left it felt like I was back at square one. She was telling me how it's always going to be like this if we discuss visiting arrangements. There was absolutely no indication that she was having any kind of second thoughts about our M.

When I came home I sent her a text telling her that if it was going to cause so much agro, we can just leave it like it is. I said that we have to put him first at the end of the day and any animosity between us was going to be much worse for him than any visitation arrangement.

To be honest, it's not made me as emotional as I thought but it has made me start to doubt the possibility of any kind of reconcilliation any more. There just doesn't seem to be any kind of chance for us to get back together. I'm beginning to think that what I saw as pursuing from her was just her acting nicer around me for the sake of Wee Man. We always said we'd need to be friends for his sake and maybe that's just where she'd finally managed to be in her mind. It's just another stage of her moving on. She's losing the guilt and accepting the way it has to be for the rest of our lives.

I've got another coaching session tomorrow so I'll see how that goes but I'm even less inclined now to believe that this is ever going to work out. Am I just torturing myself thinking otherwise? That's certainly the opinion of everyone who knows us. The truth is, I'm starting to believe them.

Most people on here have so much more history in their marriages that they have a stable foundation to look back on. Mine is so new though that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. As soon as my W realised that maybe she just decided to move on rather than going down with a sinking ship.

I know this is so negative but I'm just struggling to see any positives any more.

Kev