I appreciate your thoughts. I really really do....and take all of your comments to heart.
I am lately of the mind if sex is going to happen it will. I am not overly pursuing and about 50% of the time lately he is the initiator. Always respectful to me in that regard. I would not tolerate bad or abusive behavior in any way.
Today was good. We both went to separate gyms, then met up with friends for a rainy walk on the beach and then breakfast. We were invited up to a friends house for dinner tonight, he didn't feel like socializing so I am going alone! Yeah me (pat on back!). Didn't pout, didn't guilt trip him, yada yada...
I am not feeling so weepy these days. A little stronger. I hope this lasts........
Puppy..... Protection! How awkward to ask my husband of nearly 20 years to use a condom! I know it makes complete and logical sense. I guess I should really take this advice. You're the best...
I understand how akward that would feel for you to tell your H to use protection, however there are several "excuses" you could give if you feel that you have to do that. You could even talk to your doctor if necessary to get help in how to handle that touchy subject. You know the minute you ask him to use protection that it is going to set him off and he is going to start a fight or getting defensive, etc. However, you must protect your body at all cost.....even his male ego. If he can sleep with another woman without protection (if he did) and not respect his wife enough to protect her, then he really doesn't deserve to have his male ego sheltered. However, I do understand what you are saying here, so don't think I am being flippant. I see him being very lucky that his wife would even consider having sex with him. But who knows? Maybe he thinks he deserves it! Just don't sell yourself short and take care of YOU b/c if you don't.....nobody else will. It is one thing to be selfless and giving and loving, but once your health is gone.....it affects the rest of your life.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi & Puppy for advice about "protection". Got it! Agree that our health is all we have in the end.
On another note....and maybe I should be posting in a separate area? Since we have been more sexually active than prior to "the separation talk 2/15" and actually a few months prior to this, I have noticed some ED issues with H. He is 50 almost 51. I am sure this is probably devastating to him (not so great for me either) but I am totally understanding of this. He had a medical checkup and does have a slightly enlarged prostate. Can this cause ED? I wonder what OW (or possible OW - still completely unconfirmed) - thinks? Maybe she doesn't have this issue with him because she is "new"? Anyway. Just wondering...
Last few days have been interesting to say the least. For some reason, I think H is thawing in his distant attitude a bit. I see a little more of my old H in him.
Sunday after I went to the neighbor's house for a party (alone since he didn't want to socialize), I came home and he was dressed nicely. He said he was hoping I would've come home early from the bbq so we could go to a movie together. Am I a mind reader? Seriously! I changed and got ready for bed and he said "are you going to bed already?" and I said "yes...tired." I invited him to join me...and wow. We were up all night!
Next day...both tired. Went to bed early (together again) and then yesterday morning...again! He initiated. Later we drove separately to S18's baseball game where he pitched an awesome game. Great for my morale for sure! We left the game separately where he went to the "gym" (who knows?) and I left with friends to go out for dinner/drinks. H got home around 10 and I was already asleep - but he woke me up and said "you look comfortable". I was proud of myself because I didn't wait up for him. Yay me.
Once again...he slept in our bed, he asked me for a backrub again in the morning. I feel like if he was completely over me he wouldn't be asking me to do that but maybe I am kidding myself. I still sense the distance which is hard to believe after the few nights we have had lately...but like I said earlier, it seems to have thawed somewhat. Maybe it is just me that is not on pins and needles around him anymore.
It is hard to be patient. Trying so hard to be! Trying so hard not to ask about the future. My son's team is set to play at a MLB park in May and a lot of us have talked about staying overnight near the field. I mentioned it to H but he didn't really reply. Usually by now, we are planning a family vacation for the summer. Can't even go there. I guess I could plan something and invite H. Or maybe that would be considered pursuing. Hm-m-m-m. H is planning to backpack/climb a very tall peak this summer. Again I think...MLC.
I cancelled my appt today with psychiatrist. After speaking to therapist, she thought I could benefit from some medication for depression but I think I am doing a little better. Really don't want to go on any anti-depressants. Think I can manage on my own.
Just venting a bit but need to get out and enjoy this spectacular socal day! warm and sunny!
Did you finish reading my threads??? If not, you should. H and I had great days too after the bomb. We had some really incredible sex after the bomb. But, in the end, none of that mattered.
Please don't get your hopes up over a few good days, okay? I say that not to discourage you, but to encourage you to keep looking for ways to go on with your life without him...just so you can continue to detach. Detachment is key in this whole effort!! It could be a long road, and detachment allows you to have the patience to wait it out if need be.
Going to the party without him was great! Not asking about the trip in May was great! Don't ask about a vacation...I like the idea of planning one yourself. I don't even know that I'd invite him. Sounds like he's planning a trip without you, right?
I also encourage you to find a good thearpist if you don't have one already. Remember that you'll have good days and bad days (in fact, my recent week has been a perfect example of that even at this stage in my sitch!). So, make sure that you do what you need to do to take care of yourself...don't necessarily decide you don't need help just cause you feel okay this moment. I'm not saying you need the antidepressants, necessarily. I'm just suggesting that if you do need them for a time, that's perfectly okay given what you are dealing with!
Hugs and love to you!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Hi Amy, Thank you checking in. I am working on getting through your posts. I have to be "stealth" around here on my computer since H and I share an office and kids are constantly walking in! I'm not even through your first thread yet....but working on it!
It is great to get advice from someone who has been there/done that. The whole sex thing is rather confusing but intriguing at the same time. Still really missing that emotional connection we used to have.
Trying to do a little something for me every day. I just submitted my college application. I had completed 115 units up through '91 and hope that some if not most of those will transfer. Considering taking a SPEECH class this summer. My greatest fear is public speaking and I put it off all through college...but trying to face those scary things head on now. Need to get through it to finish my degree!
I was VERY disappointed with the therapist I saw. What a doofus...she called the other night and H answered the phone. I didn't even tell him I was seeking help. So much for privacy. I blew her off. At my session all she did was basically agree with me and type my responses to her questions into a computer. How rude! I found it so distracting and doubt if I'll go back. That is my insurance though....and can't afford to pay by the hour somewhere else right now. I get annoyed that doctors just want to drug us! Boo! I understand that there are situations where it is important to use prescription meds, but I feel that more and more doctors are controlled by the pharmaceutical companies (but that is another topic).
Anyway....I appreciate as always your advice. Won't get too amped about recent days because I know the pendulum will swing back again eventually.
Hugs to you too!
Abby
"These are the days of the Endless Summer These are the days, the time is now There is no past, there's only future There's only here, there's only now"
Dear Abby, you asked about the ED problems in men around your H's age. There are different things to consider and his health is a major part. Especially if he is on certain medications. Also, if he went for long periods of time without having sex, I think that is where that old expression comes from...."Use it or lose it". He just needs to talk to his doctor to make sure about the physical part. As far as the OW and being "new".....I believe it does play a tremendous part of the mentality of the sex act. In fact, I can testify to how I was affected just by talking to the OM I had an EA with. So, yeah, I think it could probably get him excited enough b/c of the "newness" of another female.
Not to be a put-down to the men, but it is kind of like the Oprah show I saw a few days ago. I think it was Steve Hardy on there (not sure about his name) but he had written a book about how men see women and he was so funny, but told it like it is. Some women asked very intimate questions about sex, but he answered it and what it all boiled down to was the fact that for "most" men.....if he thinks he stands a chance in getting sex....he will. So, as AmyM advised you, don't get your hopes up too quickly about having good sex at this time.......especially if your H acts distant the next day! That is a red flag (to me) if he does not appear to be closer to you and pulls away the next day as if he is afraid you WILL get the idea that he is over OW.
In the DR book, Michelle says that for some people having sex has a healing affect and that is why I say it is for the individual person to decide if they can do that or not. If you are doing it just b/c it would be a 180.......I would be scared to take a chance of getting STD unless he has been using protection, just to show him you were able to initiate sex with him.
About the doctor suggesting you take AD meds........almost all of them I have tried bring the sex drive down to practically zero except for Wellbutrin and Cymbalta. They aren't quiet as bad. But for gosh sakes don't take Zoloft or Prozac or you will feel like your sex drive has completely died! Now that was "me" and it may not have affected others that way, but every person I have talked to about Zoloft says it killed any sex drive for them.
Take care of yourself, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, as AmyM advised you, don't get your hopes up too quickly about having good sex at this time.......especially if your H acts distant the next day! That is a red flag (to me) if he does not appear to be closer to you and pulls away the next day as if he is afraid you WILL get the idea that he is over OW.
Good points, Sandi.
It is also very often that a spouse in the middle of an affair actually feels like they're CHEATING on their girlfriend/boyfriend when they have sex with their own wife/husband! Sick and twisted, yes, but VERY common, and that could be why he pulls away from you.
